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-   -   New girl needing help... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2263)

Mindi4191 03-04-2010 07:50 AM

New girl needing help...

My husband and I have been married for a year, and together for five years. We have been dabbling (spelling?) in the world of poly for a while, mostly because I am bisexual. Well three months ago, we hit a very hard moment and we *almost* split up. We are back on the right track now.

My husband happened to meet this girl who is interested in a relationship with both of us. I know that she is sweet, as I talk to her all day everyday through texts. As does he. She is a perfect fit for our family, but the problem lies in me.

I was raped when I was 16, for a year, by my stepfather, I also went through extreme emotional abuse as a child. Well this new girl, we will call her A is a very skinny, beautiful woman. My insecurites are popping up and really making it hard for me, it causes tears daily. I am pregnant so that probably is playing a role.

I really dont want my insecurites to ruin this relationship. A is the most understanding person I have ever met. She keeps talking me through some of my problems but it seems like they keep popping up. Its VERY early into this. I need to seriously get my self worth issues under control.

Any advice?

GroundedSpirit 03-04-2010 02:29 PM

Hello Mindi and welcome !

Yea - I suspect as you mentioned that the hormones are playing some influence. To be expected - but not necessarily ACCEPTED.

When you're dealing with insecurities (which we all have some) it's helpful to keep one important fact in mind.

Despite pop culture emphasis on it - life (and relationships) is NOT a competition ! Repeat that 50 times a day :)

Just try to be the best "you" you can be everyday and know if you sincerely tried - you succeeded. Obviously you have some great qualities that were attractive to your husband and now potential GF.

Be on guard for the hormone driven insecure moods and catch them yourself first and give yourself your OWN kick in the behind. Don't become a burden and have to wait for someone else to bring it up.

It's all "choices" we make. Happiness is a choice.

Take care of yourself.


Lemondrop 03-04-2010 04:31 PM

Remember that skinny does not equal beautiful. Remember that skinny does not equal worthwhile. Your A is not beautiful because she is skinny, she is beautiful because she is a loving person with qualities that you admire. If you find her attractive, I'm willing to bet that you don't sit around saying, "I really like how skinny A is. It's her best feature." I know that when I look at my girlfriend, I think about how much I like her hair, or how lovely her eyes look, or how nice she looks in that sweater. Of course she thinks that she's not hot because she's not anorexic like she was when she was young, but I love her, my husband loves her, and her husband loves her. Do I think she's more attractive than I am? Of course. But like GS said, it's not a competition. I would like to suggest that you keep a self-esteem list--write down everything you think is a compliment and everything you like about yourself. Make sure you write down every little thing, including if you're kind or if you're loving or if you just think you look cute in a certain outfit. It does help. Spend time every day thinking about what's on that list or what you value about yourself.

I do differ from GS on the point of worrying about becoming a burden. Of course you don't want to be a burden, but keep in mind that these people love you and care about how you feel. They don't mind reassuring you that they love you and find you attractive. (BTW, did you know that most men find women who are pregnant with their child incredibly beautiful?) They don't want you to be in pain. Be self-aware, and when you need to ask for help from someone who loves you, do it. But be self-confident also--you are a strong woman and you can trust yourself.

Also, cut yourself some slack. Your hormones are waaaay out of whack right now, and it won't get better for a while. I live with an endocrine disorder which causes hormonal imbalance, so I have a few tips. When you feel yourself in "that place" where you're feeling like you might be getting too emotional, don't be afraid to take a moment to yourself. Take a breather and do something nice for yourself, like a bubble bath or a little bit to lie down and read a book. Problems will still be there when you come back, so you can take a break and come back at it when you've had a chance to recharge. If you can't stop thinking about the problems, write them down and walk away. Writing them down helps you feel like you won't forget if you stop thinking about them. Practice taking a deep breath and letting go of the things you can't change or have no control over.

Mindi4191 03-04-2010 05:27 PM

You both have very good advice and I thank you! I am having a hard time knowing that this has everything to do with me being broken (for now) and me having my issues. It is a very hard process to over come, especially because A is the one girl who we have felt like fits our life completely perfect, and we are all willing to mold and change for the parts of life that we need to compromise on.

I try very hard to not let my hormones play a part. I disappear into my music or a bath, or even meditation when I feel like its getting to a level where I cannot talk calmly and rationally. Everyone seems to understand what I am dealing with, and they help to calm my fears when I bring them up to them. I know they are both being more supportive than I have ever imagined.

I think the media does play a huge part in my insecurity. I have had two kids previously and I failed to lose the baby weight. No ones fault but my own. When A told me her measurements (5'3 and 100 pounds) my immediate thought was I am 5'2 and 150. How can I even compare. But you are right, life is not a competition and if it was, I am still a winner because of the family and life I have created. Sometimes it takes someone else showing you what you know to believe it. Another huge esteem issue I have is my stretch marks. And honestly, that is to be expected, I had two children. But I view them as 'scars' and 'wounds' and not as 'love marks' or 'a journey to motherhood' (as my husband views them).

I know he finds me attractive in a sense, but that demon in the back of my mind continues to say 'not as attractive' or when he tells me I am amazing my demon says 'not as amazing'. It is very hard to be positive and love who you are when you have something that has been engrained in you from your parents from day 1. "You arent as amazing as your sister," or "should be more like your sister" or "why couldnt you be skinny like your sister", I know that is my burden to carry and not my burden to put on everyone else. I am okay with asking for help, but not to the point where it pushes those I love away.

I have a lot of work to do before I get there, but at least I know I am in the right direction.

Lemondrop 03-05-2010 05:33 AM

Can I ask, did you breastfeed at all? Did you lose any weight after you had your previous two children? I ask because one of the things that happened to me because of my disorder is that I couldn't lose weight even while breastfeeding. Also, I caught that you said you "failed" to lose the weight. It might be technically correct, but it also implies a judgement on yourself. Forgive yourself, give yourself permission to let go of the past, and move on. (By the way, I completely envy you--I haven't seen 150 lbs. for at least 15 years.)

I'm severely marked with stretch marks, over my entire torso. My husband calls them his tiger stripes. When I complain about them, he says they're his stretch marks, and that they're like marks of honor for having a baby. :)

I have to agree with GS--for a non-native speaker, your English is excellent.

HowDidIGetHere 03-07-2010 01:47 PM

Hi Mindi - Lemondrop seems to have covered all the bases, but I wanted to throw in a guy's perspective for you too.

RE: pregnancy / beauty -- Ask your man again, tell him to give you his deep-down answer, not the top-level 'this is what she needs to hear' answer. Every male I know is positively ga-ga over his pregnant mate. Look, it's clearly related to evolutionary biochemistry: the males who were caring and attentive of their pregnant females had a better reproductive strategy. The genes related to those behaviors stayed around in the gene pool. So now most males are ga-ga over pregnant women. Yes, it's a simplistic argument, but little idea nuggets like this are easy for me to hang onto. YMMV.

RE: ...everything to do with me being broken... <begin tuff love> BULLSHIT! You are NOT broken! You have normal human emotions, but your bad experiences at 16 and as a child do color your emotions to the unhappy end of the spectrum. </end tuff love> Sorry for ranting, but that particular phrase "I'm broken" really gets up my nose. Your past is something that you should eventually drag out into the sunlight and let it dry up. That way it'll lose its hold over you.

Just an idea: have you been sharing your pregnancy with A.? Have you actually spent time together in person (you mention texting so I'm not sure)? Maybe she's even a bit envious of you!
Holee cow, as I re-read your posts, I'm thinking you two haven't had any "face time" together! Is it practical to do so? Do it! Set some ground rules like "this visit is just a meet and greet - nothing more will happen".

Remember, I'm just a male and we're all inherently obtuse so take my post with a grain of salt. Oh, wait - avoid salt if you're pregnant, that's right, it's a blood pressure thing...

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