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-   -   breaking up (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22625)

littlebirdy 03-26-2012 09:10 PM

breaking up
I've been a lurker here for a while but this is my first post. Sadly it's not a particularly happy one but I could really use your advice.

My primary and I have broken up amiably after 13 years. I also have a boyfriend whom I've been involved with for about a year, though long distance. I'm a bit worried about the breakup because, 3 months on, my boyfriend and I are becoming more serious, yet I'm worried about the potential for this to be a rebound relationship or something. It doesn't feel like that to me (I've had one before), but it does concern me because I love him dearly and don't want to take advantage of him.

I feel like that because I have been involved with my boyfriend before the breakup it should be a little bit different. What should I do? How do I give myself "breathing room" to move on from my ex? (Though to be honest, given the nature of the breakup, I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would, partly due to the fact that I have my boyfriend around who has been extremely supportive.)

Thanks everyone, I'd really appreciate poly-friendly opinions.

SNeacail 03-26-2012 10:05 PM

Sorry, I have very little advice, except, keep the life altering changes to a minimum for a while 6 months, a year, whatever. If you move, move because it will drastically improve your life as a single person (better job offer, closer to work, going to school, etc). Make sure your decisions are based on what will help you be successful as an independent person.

littlebirdy 03-26-2012 10:14 PM

Thanks for your wise words! I have actually just changed jobs (to my dream job, yay!) and moved cities to be there, so that's helped. I've seen my ex a couple of times since and it's been nice but a little emotional (I immediately redefined boundaries to include no sex because it was something I could do easily to get the reality into my head that we weren't going to be primaries any more).

Thankfully the distance means that there aren't any hasty decisions being made with my boyfriend (and he's more than happy to take things easy for now), but I'm going to visit him soon so it's quite likely that future plans might come up in conversation (they've done so far, but in a "let's just take things easy and not rush things" type way). My plan in this city is to settle in at any rate - I have my dream career job here and I worked very hard to get here, so I'm definitely not planning on moving. I have plans to buy a house and get a cat and "long term" things like that, so I'm definitely going to be putting me first. One of the things I learned in my relationship with my ex is that I need to put my happiness above other things - from happiness in myself general happiness and stability in a relationship comes too.

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