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-   -   Blissful Vee... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2260)

fauxsisticated 03-04-2010 02:29 AM

Blissful Vee...
I've posted a few nervous Nelly posts on here in the "New to Polyamory" section, but I'm pleased to report that I've finally decided to open up my relationship with my fiancÚ, and I've been seeing a friend of mine for the last month or so. Things have been going really well... My fiancÚ, (we'll call him "Sylvia," the name he'd chosen for himself if he were to transition,) and girlfriend, Oliver (the name she's been going by... My life is so genderfucked!) have been getting along surprisingly well. Sylvia, despite being new to this lifestyle and a tad nervous about how it would change our relationship, has taken to it like a duck to water. He's been incredibly supportive and sweet. He says he's afraid that Oliver and I might fall in love and that love might challenge the bond he and I have, but I've assured him that isn't the case, and I sincerely don't anticipate it would. The love I feel for Sylvia is passionate and intense, and the feelings I have toward Oliver are totally different. When she and I first met, there were intense feelings there, but I've come to value our friendship more than anything, and I'm glad things are where they are for now.

I used to work from home, and one night while I was stuck working late, Oliver came over to hang out and wait for me to get off so the three of us could hang out. I came out of my home office for a break to find Sylvia and Oliver cuddled up on the living room couch in the dark, watching the movie "Up" together. Oliver tends to be rather emotional, and had obviously been crying. Sylvia had his arm around her and there was a box of tissues between them. Seeing them together, and feeling the love an acceptance flowing between the two of them like that gladdened my heart, and made me so happy that I initiated this change. Both of them have gained a friend in each other, (Sylvia has since invited her back to watch movies again,) and both realize their importance to me, and that there's no need to view each other as competition for my affection. The night before last, Oliver came over to tell me something important... It's my belief she wanted to tell me she's in love with me. She sort of hinted at it, but the words wouldn't come out. She became totally overwhelmed in the process and broke down crying. After my attempts to console her hadn't proven fruitful, Sylvia came and laid down next to her, hugging her and stroking her hair as he'd done for me dozens of times. Watching him dote on her and eventually bring her out of this funk made me realize the depth of my love for him, and again reinforced my happiness for having brought us all to this point.

The only issues I can see on the horizon is that I hadn't initially intended for this to be a true, closed vee. I'm fine with that being the way things are now, but I know that eventually I want them both to date others, and I want to do the same myself. I'm nervous for Sylvia to do so, although he has expressed no interest in this as of now. I worry about my own jealousy, and want to merely get the worst of it over with and meet and grow to like this hypothetical person...

My other concern is with Oliver... I have been honest with both of them about the fact that I'm on okcupid looking for other girls to date. I've mentioned specific names of girls I'm interested in, and thought everything was understood. I had a potential girlfriend (we'll call her Jackie) come over to meet both of them and hang out. It was the first time Jackie and I had ever met in the flesh, so it was really cool of her in my book to meet both of them right off the bat. Sylvia felt sick and went to bed early, leaving Oliver, Jackie, and myself alone for the evening. We had a good time talking and all wound up cuddling together on my couch, and I thought everything was fine. Oliver has since admitted to jealousy, for both Sylvia (although she knows Sylvia was here first and that we're planning a commitment ceremony) and Jackie. I'm not sure what to do about it, seeing as I've told Oliver she's free to date others, and I'd even encourage her to get back together with her ex with whom she is still in love, even if it meant they'd have to be exclusive and I'd lose her as a partner. She said she'd be uncomfortable coming to my and Sylvia's commitment ceremony, even though I'd really hoped she would attend. Obviously I wouldn't force her to do so if she'd feel uncomfortable, but I'm really surprised by her reaction. She's mentioned long before we got together that her preference is to be polyamorous, and that she likes the fact that I'm not exclusively with her, but this behavior is a bit perplexing.

Any advice, out there in Polyland?

assets 03-13-2010 12:59 AM

It sounds like she's not quite ready to either date or have you dating others. Take it a little bit slow, it's only been a month for the three of you to get used to each other with each other and now you're asking them both to accept another person. It can be overwhelming. I am not saying that you shouldn't go out and date other people, but maybe just concentrate on the ones in your life right now. Make sure that the two relationships you have going now are strong and then think about opening up to more.

fauxsisticated 03-15-2010 08:59 PM

I hear ya loud and clear on that one... I have been focusing on them both, and reassuring both of them in regard to their importance to me. I know Sylvia isn't ready to date others, but I went with Oliver to the mall with a girl she's been courting yesterday. This poor girl is stuck in a rather doomed relationship and Oliver has been trying to bring her out of her shell a bit, and I mentioned I'd be happy to lend my support in this effort. We had fun (I could tell this new girl was nervous) and made tentative plans to do so again sometime. I hope that if Oliver begins to date someone else it'll help assuage her unease concerning Sylvia and me.

I've talked to both Oliver and Sylvia about the twinges of jealousy I've felt from both of them. I know Sylvia is attracted to Oliver, but the feelings aren't mutual, and this makes him sad. All things considered, he's being really awesome and supportive about the whole thing. He's let me cry on his shoulder about minor issues I've had with Oliver, and is always eager for me to tell him anything.

I'm really tired now so this response might not be as targeted as I'd like, but I think things will get better with Oliver. She's asked me about Jackie since I posted initially, so I'm under the impression it'll all just take time.

assets 03-16-2010 02:20 AM

time is a very important thing to give. That and keep communicating with everyone. You sound like you have that under control.

Ariakas 03-16-2010 02:44 AM

First, congrats...its good to be part of something that feels good :)
Second...keep communicating and best of luck.

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