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-   -   Probably not the typical question (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=226)

Vintersorg 05-08-2009 07:27 PM

Probably not the typical question
 
This really isn't a case of polyamory, but I just really need some advice from somebody who might know what he or she is talking about, and google led me here. Apologies if this isn't a good place to ask.

A little background: I'm a pretty average "1 partner" guy going to college in Eastern WA. I've never really been interested in expanding beyond that in any way (don't see anything wrong with polyamory, but it just isn't for me I guess), but I've come to a pretty interesting situation.

So come this next fall my fiancee and I will be living across the state from each other (she changed schools, and I am currently unable to). Normally I'm not into the whole "more than two people" thing, but she recently told me that she wants me to get a "buddy". Not a real relationship (which is good, since I'm pretty much a one-woman dude, emotionally at least), but just somebody to get off with while we're apart. She also said that she isn't interested in the same (which is good too I guess, since I'm a jealous bastard), but I dunno, you know? While I'm not exactly comfortable with the idea, I'm not incredibly repulsed either, since it'd be very clear that me and my fiancee are the real deal, and that it'd be cut off at her word (which I think is a good thing. I really don't want her to ever be uncomfortable about it). I'd also make it plenty clear to any potential buddy that it's just physical, and find somebody who would accept that.

It just seems kind of weird. Do you know anybody in a similarish situation? I suppose it's pretty different since it will just be about sex (and living in a college town, it shouldn't be too tough to find somebody, guy or gal.), but any similar stories could help. I just want to weigh the pros and cons of this and not jump into anything I'm not fully ready for.

Also, is it terrible that I would not want the same situation over there? I guess I have some jealousy issues, though they bite both ways. I mean, the only reason I've even considered this is because she wants me to. Any advice is very welcome. Even if it's just "Vintersorg, you suck. Don't do this, you are too lame. Also you smell bad and suck at the guitar." it's still something. Thanks in advance.

Ember 05-08-2009 08:00 PM

You may want to look into a local swing scene. This would avoid emotional ties (in most cases) and give you the freedom to 'get your thing' in any number of ways.

Good luck!

Oh, and you might want to ensure she's saying this as a reflection of what she really feels and not a reflection of what she thinks you need/want.

MonoVCPHG 05-08-2009 09:25 PM

Well said, Ember. There seems to be something missing here. I'd definitely confirm her thoughts and don't get caught up in the apparently unbelievable offer she has made.

"Just having sex" may have implications that may only surface after the fact. Then it's too late to take it back. Even though she is suggesting this and isn't saying she wants the same freedom, try putting yourself in her shoes and imagine if she "just had sex".

Communicate very openly.
Take care

Vintersorg 05-08-2009 09:25 PM

Thanks for the quick response.
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ember (Post 827)
You may want to look into a local swing scene. This would avoid emotional ties (in most cases) and give you the freedom to 'get your thing' in any number of ways.

Good luck!

This sounds like a pretty great idea, but given that I'm just an undergrad living on campus, I don't really know of any local scene. I'll do some research though, because the idea of somebody getting clingy if I decide to go through with this makes me nervous.

Quote:

Oh, and you might want to ensure she's saying this as a reflection of what she really feels and not a reflection of what she thinks you need/want.
That's what I've been thinking, and I brought this up almost immediately. She pretty much just brought up the fact that I have a MUCH bigger sex drive than her, and she thinks it wouldn't be right for me to be cooped up at a college surrounded by young and horny students, and stay celibate.

I'm not sure I really follow her reasoning all the way through, but I'll keep it in mind for sure. It's just such a new idea to me (for the record, my fiancee is the only woman I have ever had sex with, or even dated for more than a month, largely thanks to a certain obsession of mine.), and I have the jitters.

Ember 05-08-2009 09:30 PM

My husband took a while to warm up to the swing lifestyle because he was a ... how do you phrase... only serious relationships warrant sex, kind of guy. He had limited partners due to this outlook. There are 'hookup/dating' boards for these kind of things and usually they can point you to a local club or 'scene'.

If you'd like a web site feel free to message me and I'll shoot you a link. :)

Vintersorg 05-08-2009 09:34 PM

Oh hey, another post while I was replying, cool.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 831)
"Just having sex" may have implications that may only surface after the fact. Then it's too late to take it back. Even though she is suggesting this and isn't saying she wants the same freedom, try putting yourself in her shoes and imagine if she "just had sex".

This is my biggest worry. Whenever I try and put myself into her shoes it really weirds me out, because the idea of her with another guy just rips at some real root feeling in me. It's not at all rational, but it's too strong to ignore. If she feels the same she sure isn't telling me.

Anyways, the very earliest this could even be a possibility would be next fall, so we have all of summer to talk it over, and even in fall I won't be jumping into anything.

Ya'll are pretty helpful here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ember (Post 833)
If you'd like a web site feel free to message me and I'll shoot you a link. :)

Message'd!

MonoVCPHG 05-08-2009 09:44 PM

Rational and emotional have little to do with each other LOL! Trust me, I could go on about that all day :) And for what it is worth, that ripping feeling is normal in a lot of cases. I'm not there now, but have been there. Don't let anyone tell you it is irrational, possessive or anything else. It just is.
Glad you have time to deliberate and talk.

MonoVCPHG 05-08-2009 09:46 PM

"only serious relationships warrant sex, kind of guy"

I know someone else with a similar view LOL! Poor Redpepper..she is soo hard done by!

Quath 05-09-2009 02:54 PM

I have been in a similar situation twice. One time it was because my girlfriend was becoming more emotionally distant from me. So she hoped I would find someone else, so she could feel better about leaving me.

The other time, it was because I was working out of state for a few months and my girlfriend thought it would be good if I still had regular sex. However, when I did find someone, she became very jealous and wanted me to stop. She wasn't as ready for it as she thought she was. I think some of her wanting me to be with someone else was because she cheated on me and wanted me to do something to call it "even." (I didn't guess at this until much later when I figured out a few things.)

Not sure if that helps.

Danny40179 05-13-2009 05:36 PM

COMMUNICATION!! Ember said it best. Make sure this is what you both really want and not something she thinks you want. My wife and I had a similar start in this lifestyle. ;)


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