Insert Witty Title Here - A Story by Kyle
I've been considering starting a blog on here for some time. I just never know what to say first. I suppose I could make this a continuation of my thread (found: here).
Since that week my wife has found someone (J) nearby that she can spend time with and I met someone (A) that lives several hours away. Although we haven't had a chance to meet, A and I have been talking for hours a day and I really feel myself connecting with her. My wife and I went to a birthday party and invited J to come along with us. This was their first time actually meeting so I gave them space so as not to scare him off and I can tell he really likes her. She says she's not super into him or anything but I think that they will get along well. He also fit in our circle of friends pretty nicely. So that's good. He also wasn't weird around me and he actually talked to me instead of being a jerk like the guy in LA (LA for short, the one that was supposedly both of our friends, but I don't want to talk about him so moving on). I even told her that maybe it's good that she isn't super into him so it doesn't end up moving too fast and she doesn't end up hurt and she can be more herself without worrying so much about everything.
My wife mentioned to me both last night and this morning that I have been on my phone a lot and talking (well... texting) to A more than she has LA and J combined. She also said she wished that she had someone she could talk to the same way A and I talk. Her and LA used to talk like that before she went out there but now they don't. I understand her frustration but this is why I kept telling her to take it slow and she didn't want that so what do you do? Just ride it out. I told her she always has me and she said I knew that's not what she meant. So then I tell her she has J and she says she just doesn't feel like that towards him... yet. The conversations remind me of couples trying to date other couples and everyone being worried about the connections all evolving at the same speed. Except our two people don't even know each other so it's even worse.
I also think she's a little jealous of how much time I've spent talking to A but when I was telling her that I felt left out she said it's because we have known each other for 5 years and she already knows so much about me. Tables are turned and suddenly she knows how I feel. She's still done more than I have with another so right now I think even if she does have a problem with it she wouldn't tell me for fear of me feeling like it wasn't fair. I have told her that life isn't fair and if she realized she really wasn't poly then we would figure it out but she says she wants to keep this up.
She also mentioned that she's cautious because she didn't know A as friends before all of this. None of us did. I thought that was odd considering LA was someone we DID know and that could have potentially gone poorly for a lot of people and we don't know J (even though he lives here). I understand her point, I guess, because A lives a little distance away. However, every single person I've been in a serious relationship with I've met online. My first girlfriend lived in Pennsylvania and I met her after several years of talking. My second girlfriend was a friend of my friend. I guess I met her at a party but she told me she had no interest in me then. I started talking to her on AIM and we dated for over two years. My third girlfriend lived 3 hours away and I started driving to see her every weekend. I met my wife through MySpace. She lived a couple hours away but was here for college. So, no, it's not something I'm concerned about. I can tell when people are feeding me bullshit and aren't really who they say they are.
But enough about everyone else, this blog is about me!
I feel like... I don't know how to explain it. I imagine all of you out there that have either cheated or wanted to cheat or just longed for something you thought you could never have know what I'm going through. It's like this burden of secrecy has been removed from your life. It's the first time in my life where when I saw someone I found attractive I didn't have to worry if the person I was with would be mad because I talked to them or looked or whatever. Mind you, since I've become an adult I have never cheated on anyone. Before then I was a juvenile and those records are sealed! :)
I also am happy that I finally found someone I can talk to. I've been looking since we started talking about being poly and I went on one date towards the beginning but it just didn't feel right. I'm glad I decided not to go back to her because I know she was mono and I feel like she would have gotten attached and that would have been messy if I decided to break it off. I also didn't want to hurt her like that. As so many people are quick to say, "Don't forget, you're dealing with people." A is pretty amazing and I find myself checking my phone throughout the day hoping that whatever reminder or notification I received was from her.
It helps enormously that she's poly as well and that I can talk to her about this stuff and she can give me real advice on how to handle situations. I talk to several friends at work and they say things that are clearly coming from the mind of someone that's mono. Things like, "Well, you let her go be with another man, she should do X". That's not how this works and it's not good to let them reinforce those thoughts in my head. I gave up jealousy a long time ago and I've been a great deal happier as a result. I don't need people putting it back in my head. I don't want people to reinforce my envy. It's not healthy. So when I talk to A and she says, "Why are you counting? Quality over quantity" it really strikes me. When she talks about her problems with other people, and I'm able to talk about my problems with my wife and neither of us get jealous and we're able to just give advice and be rational about it... it helps. A lot.
I'm running out of things to talk about right now without going into detail and not all of it is my story to tell so I'm going to stop for now. Maybe I'll try to write here daily to keep myself grounded and have a log of how I feel from day to day. I know some people don't like others posting in your blog but I don't mind. You're all welcome to reply if you like. :)
Yay. Glad you have a blog. You tell great stories. :)
It encourages me to see you sharing your struggles and your triumphs.
I'll be here reading all the time, I already know it, lol.
Later that night/the next morning
Haha, thanks to both of you. I doubt you'd be saying the same if you knew me in person. I suck telling stories. I always leave out important details and pause and all kinds of shit. Anyway...
I just got back from the third of four birthday parties I had this weekend. The second one was for my brother and while there were drinks I opted out since I knew I couldn't stay long. Katie invited a friend over to hang out with while I went to a birthday party with my coworker. We drove over to the next town and hit up the casino followed by just one bar. There were only four of us but it was perfect. We had a ton of fun. I thought about poly shit and my relationship a little but for the most part it was just us having a good time. I only had three drinks so one of them must have been stronger than I thought because I was pretty messed up for a while. By the time we were ready to go we were all just tired though. Thank goodness because I would have been in deep shit had I stayed out.
I found out that the girl my friend is married to is basically in the same situation as my wife. Stay at home mom, no vehicle, no friends. She totally needs to be my wife's friend. They would get along so well.
I also found out that A didn't exactly have a great night and the reception where we were at sucked so I wasnt able to talk to her and make sure she is alright. From what I got when I made it back to my house it sounds like she is handling it well but I want to make sure she wasn't pretending for my benefit.
Anyway. It's 4 AM and I'm falling asleep. I'll say more tomorrow.
Day 2 ends
I woke up this morning with the kids and let my wife sleep in. We tend to alternate who gets to sleep in but lately I've been making and effort to take the mornings to give her much needed peace and quiet. I also kind of relished in the opportunity to text A for two hours. Which I did. It was awesome. Despite the crappy coincidences of last night we were able to work some stuff out and I think I made her feel a little better. :)
After lunch I took a quick nap and then did two back to back Insanity exercises. Well, I attempted two. The first one was Pure Cardio (which I keep referring to as max cardio). Pure Cardio is ridiculous. Absolutely awful. So I was too worn out to get through more than half of the second one. For those of you that don't know what Insanity is, watch the biggest loser. Then imagine something even more difficult every day except Sunday. There you go. For those of you that do know you're probably asking yourself what is wrong with me. Well, I didn't get a chance to do Friday or Saturday exercises and what better thing to do in your free time than try to kill yourself by raising your heart rate. I'm doing this crap because I'm tired of feeling out of shape and fat. My wife shed all of her baby weight plus more using this program so I figure I could drop my weight 20 lbs too. It'll make me feel better and I'll look better too. Yay!
So we got done with that and went to the final party of the weekend. I spent a large portion of it eating, kicking ass at Street Fighter X Tekken and playing Magic. Yeah, I'm a nerd. During the party I texted A a bit. My wife had gone home and had been talking to my friend about a camping trip and mentioned it to A and she mentioned she liked camping. From there it turned into us meeting half way between where we live and camping together sometime later this year. I love camping and I think it'd be a lot of fun to meet in a sort of neutral territory and just spend a weekend together. I'm not sure I'd want that to be the first time we met or anything but if nothing else it would be a great escape from electronics and the bothersome busy ass lives we all live. It'd give us a couple of days just relaxing and being together and getting to know each other without distraction. I'm excited!
This is wonderful. I'm glad you are doing well, I followed the thread when your wife was in LA pretty closely, and I'm glad to read this. Also- being a nerd is awesome, just sayin'
Monday - A Distant Voice
If my life were a vinyl record...
Side A of Monday (not to be confused with A, the girl I'm talking to)
Monday started out normally for me even though I am totally not motivated at work. This is my last week in my current job and I just can't be bothered to deal with people's crap. I'm so excited to move on to my new area that I spent most of yesterday submitting the necessary requisitions and access requests instead of doing my normal work. Oops!
When I finally came home, Katie was in a bad mood. I gave her some space and let her do her thing and went out to clean the garage. At 7 PM I came back in to put the kiddos to bed and noticed her mood had not improved (generally she likes me to just give her space when she's upset and it gets better, so this was unusual for me). I chalked it up to a stressful day due to the kids and spring break for some kids she watches so they were here more than normal.
We decided to workout and she said a few times she just wasn't into it (unusual) and then started working out as hard as she could (less unusual but given her mood I thought something was probably wrong). She ended up hurting her foot and after I got her some ice I asked her what was upsetting her so much that she was willing to risk her health like that. She said she's tired of being so unhappy and tired of having more bad days than good. For the first time since January, I didn't get upset. I told her that things would be alright and that it wasn't her fault. I told her that it wasn't anyone's fault and she needed to talk to someone that could help her deal with this. She asked me to leave her alone again so I took a shower and then went upstairs to lay down. She followed me up and fell asleep while I texted A until I couldn't anymore and fell asleep as well.
Side B of Monday
Talked to A for most of the day at work. This may have had something to do with my lack of motivation. I mean, what's more interesting? Crap you won't be doing in a couple of days or someone you just met and are trying to get to know? I know. I have terrible work ethic. DAMN YOU SMART PHONES!
Came home and (see Side A of Monday). Out in the garage I decided to call A while I was cleaning. Only I had forgotten to save her number and I couldn't find it in our texts so she called me. D'oh. I felt like a dork. I talked to her for about 30 minutes and it was the best 30 minutes of my day. Her voice was unlike anything I expected in a good way. To top it off it felt like we talked all night. Not that it dragged on it just was we talked about so much. In fact I think it started out with a topic of microwaves? I don't remember. We talked about sports and our past and just all sorts of randomness. It was amazing. At seven I had to go back in to put the kids to bed and I reluctantly hung up. We texted for the remainder of the night about where our relationship was headed and things we would or wouldn't do based on pre-established rules and what not. Nothing I'm going to get into here but you get the idea. It led to some fun topics for sure. Eventually I was too tired to continue and went to sleep.
Tuesday - A Lonely Day
This morning I woke up and did not feel well. I imagine exhaustion played a part but I felt much more tired than usual. I called in saying I would come in an hour late and stay an hour late and went back to sleep. Eventually I got up and made it into work and spent most of the day dealing with my boss's boss and other people of that level because their boss wanted something done quicker than right now. Texted A a little but otherwise fairly uneventful day. A and I didn't get to talk much at all today, actually. Katie was in a better mood when I got home and we worked out which helped but she's still not back to normal and it's being reflected in her sex drive which is driving me nuts. I'm not going to get into details but suffice to say there's more than just frequency issues.
Played a few rounds of battlefield 3 with one of my buddies and headed to bed. In fact I typed this whole post from my phone while in bed.
Wednesday - Midday Madness
For lunch today my wife met me in town and we went out. It was a really nice gesture but we talked very little and I got a little irritated with her when she got her phone out to talk to LA. At first she got it out just to read what his text had said and put it away, then got it out to respond. I know she has this habitual need to respond to every text she receives (I do it too) but fuck, you're only going to see me for an hour tops. He can wait. In my frustration I got my phone out and pretended to play on it for a while. I felt stupid acting like I was doing something when I wasn't and I also felt like a child for evening up so I put it away. Not very long after she got it out again and started playing phone games. Christ woman. Put your fucking phone back in your purse. Eventually she did but it frustrates me that I had to ask her several times to do so. Whatever. Moving on.
With my new schedule I have been home earlier. Generally my wife's sex drive peaks around 3 PM and since I got home around 4ish I was really looking forward to spending some time with her especially considering the kids were still taking their naps because of the lunch plans. I wasn't necessarily looking for sex... oh who am I kidding. I wanted sex. I asked her if she wanted to do anything and she said pretty flatly, "no". Okay, so I walk away and eventually one of the kids wakes up. So now I'm sitting here waiting for the day to go by so I can talk to A. I'm trying to meet my wife's needs and I'm trying to be a supportive husband but it is difficult beyond measure sometimes. It's not that she's doing anything wrong. She's giving me hugs, kisses, dancing randomly and being playful. But she isn't attending to my needs. I want some form of closeness throughout the day. Hugs and kisses last seconds. I want a solid 15-30 minutes per day. What do I get? A lonely computer chair.
Two nights ago A asked me if I was texting her while laying in bed with my wife. I didn't mention it in my post regarding Monday because I had forgotten about that detail until I had gone back and read a few of our texts. I'm not really sure why she asked me that but I remember thinking two things. One, it was ... exciting to talk to one girl while laying next to another. I know I'm not cheating, and I know my wife is okay with me talking to A but it just is one of those silly things where someone calls you out and you get sheepish. The second thing I thought was that I wanted to talk to my wife the same way I talked to A. Had I been cuddling and talking to my wife, I wouldn't have been on my phone. Then again, if my wife and I were romantically close, a lot of things would probably be different.
Oh well. Today is just a long day. Tonight and tomorrow will be better.
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