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-   -   Regarding Death in a poly relationship... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22589)

Kiwibigluv 03-24-2012 11:04 PM

Regarding Death in a poly relationship...
Last week we saw the final episode of "Big Love". We were moved by the death of the character of Bill Hendrickson, and the effects it had on his family.

Which led to a discussion in our (fmf) poly household; what happens to a poly family where (in our case) the male dies?

we've always been able to address issues and questions regarding outr poly lifestyle with poly and non-poly friends and family - but this time we were faced with an issue none of us had an answer to.

Has anyone had experiences where the M in a fmf or F in a MFM has died?

(Some background; we've been in a poly relationship, living together, no children, for six years come this October. We started as a triangle poly, but has become a semi-V, semi-triangle.)

NovemberRain 03-25-2012 03:47 AM

I don't have experience with that, but having lived through gram's death, and mom's, I have thoughts on it.

I think it's great that you're thinking about it in advance. My mom had a folder of things she wanted for her funeral/memorial. My step-dad knew that she had such a thing, but was unable to find it to prep for her. I have let my people know that I have such desires as well. I do understand that the service is for the living though, so I'm not very attached to it.

My dad talks to me about dying often (not morbidly, but he wants to take of me in advance, which I find awfully sweet). His mom had a notebook, in which she wrote down which of her possessions she wanted to go to whom. I got the antique wooden high chair. I asked my dad why, and he said 'it's in the book.' But I don't really know why that particular thing was for me. I love it.

So, I think talking about what you all might want in that circumstance would be really helpful. You might want advance directives and medical powers-of-attorney for each other, so that families don't come in and stomp on your relationships.

Kiwibigluv 03-25-2012 04:51 AM

Thanks, NovemberRain..

I probably didn't make myself clearer... I've already got things like a Will and life insurance sorted. Both my partners "S" and "F" will be secure from a financial point of view. (I have a second investment property which, once sold, will make things even easier for them both.)

What I was meaning (and my bad for not making this clearer), was wondering; how does a poly relationship survive in such an event as my passing? How have other relationships fared? How would my two poly-wives maintain a relationship and find a new husband to be a part of their lives?

For a single person, it's "easier" (no disrespect for anyone who has lost a partner). One person grieves, and as time heals she or he eventually may find someone else.

But how would two wives who have lost a husband find someone new to be a part of their lives in a relationship?

This is one issue that I have no ready answers for.


Phy 03-25-2012 07:06 AM

I think it is strange to expect them to find someone new together. This has happened once in the constellation you are currently in, why should they go looking together to find someone new? The chances are pretty rare I think, that this will work again. It is not an uncommon scenario to think of them as friends afterwards who are in each others' lifes and that's it. Helping each other overcome the loss and trying to start anew after it. Just like 'normal' friends, I would expect them to stop being metamours or see themselves in those roles.

Are they really more than friends now? In your case you said they are semi-lovers, but except the fact that they 'share' you there is no connection. When they loose you they will both miss that link, but the rest stays the same. I wouldn't expect my men to go looking for another shared wife after my death. It has been a coincidence that they both found me and that we are together right now, but that is that. I can't imagine them hunting for someone to fill that gap together. And it wouldn't be successful, as far as my imagination goes.

When I die they will be as much a single person as before and go looking individually. That is at least what I can think of when pondering over this. If a future partner would be found and that partner would really fall in love with the other as well, it would happen and it would be ok, just like now. But none of them would approach a potential new spouse with that scenario in the back of their mind.

Some thoughts from Sward on this:

If there would be children (in our case) he is sure that he would stay involved closely in the life of Lin, as the parents always stay in the lifes of their children. Maybe he would have an urge to stay together with Lin space-wise as well, meaning living together in some kind of room mate arrangement, which would strongly depend on the age of the children. In our current situation things are too fresh to talk about that already, as we just get used to each other (living together less than a year). But after some decades of a shared life needing the other is as well imaginable as needing some space because being together would magnify the pain for them.

Kiwibigluv 03-25-2012 11:45 PM


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