Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Many Questions Please Help... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2258)

QuestioningPolly 03-04-2010 12:31 AM

Many Questions Please Help...
 
Im not sure where to begin but I want to ask this question first:

I am currently working towards a poly relationship but I find that I am questioning why my husband wants this so much. I feel that he is unsatisfied with me and may be trying to ride the wave of me liking girls to the point where I don't want to like them well at least not with him anymore.

Is it normal to feel like I am not adequate enough anymore and he now wants another woman to make up for my faults?

NeonKaos 03-04-2010 01:46 AM

I would say listen to your gut feelings.

And I would recommend that you explore relationships with other women on your own before getting caught up in the "triad mentality".

Hey folks! I just coined a new phrase! Yay me!

Derbylicious 03-04-2010 02:06 AM

I don't know if normal is the word you're looking for but it isn't unusual. What I have found with poly is that it magnifies all kinds of things that are already there. So if you're already feeling insecure and not good enough poly will really draw attention to that feeling.

What does he say that his reasons are for wanting to be in a poly relationship? Listen to what he says, what he actually says, not how your mind re-interprets it to being "You're not good enough and I need someone who isn't you".

Also try not to compare yourself. Your husband married you and he did so for a reason. There are probably a lot of things that he loves about you. Take it slow and talk lots and don't do anything until you're ready. I hope that helps. Feel free to PM me.

-Derby

QuestioningPolly 03-04-2010 04:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 23405)
I don't know if normal is the word you're looking for but it isn't unusual. What I have found with poly is that it magnifies all kinds of things that are already there. So if you're already feeling insecure and not good enough poly will really draw attention to that feeling.

What does he say that his reasons are for wanting to be in a poly relationship? Listen to what he says, what he actually says, not how your mind re-interprets it to being "You're not good enough and I need someone who isn't you".

Also try not to compare yourself. Your husband married you and he did so for a reason. There are probably a lot of things that he loves about you. Take it slow and talk lots and don't do anything until you're ready. I hope that helps. Feel free to PM me.

-Derby

Well I have listened and he says that he just wants more of a good thing which is this third person. Which I understand but I find myself having a hard time finding anything that another woman has to offer me besides sex.

QuestioningPolly 03-04-2010 04:37 AM

Another question...Is it fair to be involved in this if I know that I will never have a love for this third person like I have a love for my husband? That I dont see myself ever telling them I love them only that I could care deeply but not love.

FYI...both parties know this and think that my feelings will change but I disagree.

saudade 03-04-2010 04:42 AM

Quote:

Well I have listened and he says that he just wants more of a good thing which is this third person. Which I understand but I find myself having a hard time finding anything that another woman has to offer me besides sex.
Polly, I suspec that she could offer you friendship. If your personalities don't mesh, that's another issue entirely from one of gender.

Quote:

Another question...Is it fair to be involved in this if I know that I will never have a love for this third person like I have a love for my husband? That I dont see myself ever telling them I love them only that I could care deeply but not love.

FYI...both parties know this and think that my feelings will change but I disagree.
It's okay to be unsure how you will feel in the future, or to be wrong if you are sure. It's also okay to tell your husband you aren't interested in picking up a girlfriend yourself. It's even okay to tell him he can have a girlfriend without sharing her with you, IF you're okay with that. From what little you've said here, I wonder if that might be a healthier set-up.

Good luck, and please correct me if any of my assumptions are in error!

Lemondrop 03-04-2010 04:46 PM

I think there are a lot of blanks here. Do you actually want this relationship? Do you actually want to be poly? Are you responding to your husband's wishes? Do you want a girlfriend but possibly not this one?

I'm getting the feeling that you feel pressured into a relationship with a girl of your husband's choosing, so that he can sleep with the person he's attracted to. If this is an accurate assessment, then it sets off alarm bells. You should be choosing this for you, you should all be happy and comfortable, and this sounds like he wants permission to cheat. Plus--sheesh, no one can predict that you will "come to love" someone else, and frankly, in my mind that's a recipe for anger and resentment. I'm going to have to say that probably you should have a lot more communication and introspection before you move on.

GroundedSpirit 03-05-2010 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemondrop (Post 23451)
I think there are a lot of blanks here. Do you actually want this relationship? Do you actually want to be poly? Are you responding to your husband's wishes? Do you want a girlfriend but possibly not this one?

I'm getting the feeling that you feel pressured into a relationship with a girl of your husband's choosing, so that he can sleep with the person he's attracted to. I

Hi Questioning,

Lemon has brought up several good points here.
The more details you can provide the easier it is for folks to give you feedback. Going on assumptions is something a lot of us have learned to avoid :)

But I would say - yes - feeling insecure is pretty common but definitely can be worked through - to everyone's benefit.
It's also a common guy fantasy to have two girls to be with. Nothing to do with any inadequacies of either one.

But this is one of the reasons configurations can adopt either a triangle or V formation. If two of the people just aren't really that comfortable with the other - or in some cases just not comfortable in a triangle period - then it slides toward a V.

But if there's a deeper level of discomfort between any two it really needs to be brought to the surface and analyzed honestly. Then you can all better determine what options will meet everyone's desires.

Feel free to share more........

GS


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:03 PM.