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-   -   New territory in jealousy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22572)

PolyCurious4 03-24-2012 12:41 AM

New territory in jealousy
 
A lil history…

I’ve had my seasons of jealousy and worked through it long ago. I haven’t see the green eyed monster in a long time.

When Hubby’s & my arrangement changed recently from a swinger lifestyle to being involved separately with another couple I expected there to be some emotions to work through. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I felt secure and happy for Hubby. I am genuinely happy to see the smile on his face when he comes home and find it very appealing seeing him show care & compassion for her. So I breathed a sigh of relief – all clear.

Or so I thought…

I have been experiencing jealousy with the male counterpart of the couple we’re seeing. They are brief moments of feelings that I have been easily able to think through rationally and brush aside. It’s more of an annoyance factor because I don’t know where this is coming from.

We have discussed the possibility in the future but currently there is not an agreement to be exclusive. Currently Hubby and I are not seeing anyone else and because we enjoy where this is going we have no plans to. I am under the impression they are not seeing anyone either.

These moments of jealousy have arose when he mentions he’s going out for drinks with a friend who happens to be a female. I find myself wondering if they are involved which brings on the jealousy and feeling uncertain about how he feels about me.

I have also found myself comparing myself to his wife – but not in relation to my hubby. I will focus on a trait that she has that I find desirable and wonder if he (her Hubby) enjoys himself with me as much.

This last weekend we had a double date that ended up in the bedroom with the four of us. I felt twinges of jealousy when seeing him ‘finish’ with her. I also felt a bit annoyed, for lack of a better word, that I was not able to enjoy the quiet cuddle time with him afterwards. Often in the lifestyle intimate time shared after the act is shunned and the expectation is that you will move back to your spouse when the sexual endeavors have completed. One of the things I enjoy is the time we normally spend cuddling, talking and sharing our thoughts afterwards. To not have had those moments to connect felt empty to a sense. I would have been completely happy if she had cuddled up with my Hubby and vice vs. Ultimately this seems ridiculous to me to have these thoughts because it’s his wife – what’s he supposed to do, shove her aside. So dumb.

I’m just having difficulty wrapping my brain around these new emotions and not enjoying them one bit. I think beyond the emotions themselves it’s the fact of their presence that is driving me crazy.

Anyone else every experience this? Is this completely ridiculous to feel? How do I work through when they seem completely irrational?

redpepper 03-26-2012 05:55 PM

You might want to do a tag search for "jealousy" or "envy" and see what comes up. This has been a well talked about topic. :) good luck and welcome.

nycindie 03-26-2012 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 (Post 130163)
This last weekend we had a double date that ended up in the bedroom with the four of us. I felt twinges of jealousy when seeing him ‘finish’ with her. I also felt a bit annoyed, for lack of a better word, that I was not able to enjoy the quiet cuddle time with him afterwards. Often in the lifestyle intimate time shared after the act is shunned and the expectation is that you will move back to your spouse when the sexual endeavors have completed. One of the things I enjoy is the time we normally spend cuddling, talking and sharing our thoughts afterwards. To not have had those moments to connect felt empty to a sense. I would have been completely happy if she had cuddled up with my Hubby and vice vs. Ultimately this seems ridiculous to me to have these thoughts because it’s his wife – what’s he supposed to do, shove her aside. So dumb.

I think that what's more dumb are all the silly little rules in swinging that would make it taboo to cuddle with whomever you want in a room where swapping and sex with multiple partners has taken place. The whole swinger lifestyle seems to apply such unrealistic and possibly harmful limits on any emotions coming up, "Let's keep the sex all just bodies and physical sensation. And when you're done with another partner, go back to your spouse because preserving the dyad is of utmost importance. No feelings for anyone else allowed, not even wanting to snuggle!" Geez, don't let a stupid swinger rule book keep you from feeling affectionate. I am sure plenty of people have group sex, who are not into the swinger scene, and don't worry about who they're snuggling with at the end. Why couldn't you all cuddle together in one big puppy pile afterwards?

I think you have to start talking with your partners about loosening up the controls a bit.

bastet 03-26-2012 06:41 PM

Your feelings don't seem irrational at all. And NYCindie's idea of a cuddle pile would be so awesome!

That connection after sex is something I crave and felt missing from our swinger experiences. I would have felt the same way. We all have our different needs, maybe no one felt comfortable doing it and all wanted to? You never know until you talk about it. You wanted some of the afterglow, the intimate time after. There's not a thing wrong with that or with speaking up about wanting it.

Maybe discuss it at a time when you aren't all in bed and things are less fueled with hormones?

Kemie 03-26-2012 09:24 PM

NYCindie and bastet and definitely on to something- the puppy-pile post-coital cuddling does wonders for my swinging lifestyle. I absolutely demand that there only be one bed involved when I swing, so couples can't "run away" from each other. I don't like separate swinging or "swaps;" I like what I call "couplesomes." Everyone is involved together. And then when everyone collapses at the end, they do that together, too.

I think you need to talk to the new couple about this. It's likely they will understand. Good luck!

Jade 03-26-2012 10:20 PM

Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt. If there's any warning I would share, it would be this: although you may be developing poly and compersion-like feelings, if you haven't discussed it, I mean the four of you together, then you cannot assume you have a developing poly relationship.

The annoying encounter you described sounds like 100% normal swinger behavior... Be careful about the emotional risks you take while you lack information about how the other couple views things.

km34 03-26-2012 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jade (Post 130404)
... if you haven't discussed it, I mean the four of you together, then you cannot assume you have a developing poly relationship.

The annoying encounter you described sounds like 100% normal swinger behavior... Be careful about the emotional risks you take while you lack information about how the other couple views things.

I agree with Jade on this part. You definitely need to ALL have a conversation together so that you're ALL on the same page. Although, in my swinging experiences, cuddling was never shunned, it isn't uncommon for that to happen. If the person I was with and I finished first, we'd cuddle up and watch the other two finish and vice versa. This is definitely something worth discussing. There is a high probability that he doesn't even realize he's doing it.. He's used to cuddling with his wife after sex, so he cuddles with his wife after sex. Does he even realize that you want him to cuddle with you? It's not like he's leaving you all alone since you also have your husband.

PolyCurious4 03-26-2012 10:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jade (Post 130404)
Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt. If there's any warning I would share, it would be this: although you may be developing poly and compersion-like feelings, if you haven't discussed it, I mean the four of you together, then you cannot assume you have a developing poly relationship.

The annoying encounter you described sounds like 100% normal swinger behavior... Be careful about the emotional risks you take while you lack information about how the other couple views things.

That't the thing, we have had a conversation about poly but their actions seem to be differing from what they say they want. The first "date" we had we all talked about how empty the swinger scene seemed & how we all wanted relationships not meaningless sex.

She is very affectionate with Hubby & every time it's time to call an end to their date she grabs him saying she wish he could stay longer. Yet it's up and down the rest of the week if he can have a real conversation with her.

This was the first the four of us had a date together outside our first meeting to see that we all connected. While we all seem to get along very well personality wise as well as sexually I was very surprised how compartmentalized it felt. Considering we've been seeing the other's partner 1-2 times a week I expected it would be acceptable for us to kiss hello to our opposite partner. Evidently that wasn't comfortable because rather than the sweet gentle kiss he normally greats me with I received a quick hug. Though there was flirtation throughout the night it was pretty clear initially they intended to keep things separate - this is my partner during vanilla occasions and that's yours. While we did have a good night it felt odd because I felt like I wasn't allowed to show affection to him. At the end of the evening when we thought we were all going to say our goodbyes and he did kiss me Hubby relayed to me that she turned away because evidently it was uncomfortable for her.

After the foursome date he and I saw each other again & I came out and asked (in my best cute coy sorta way because I felt a bit vulnerable) if he liked me (beyond the sexual) and he said he did very much. But I really wonder if she's on the same page since she's hot and cold with Hubby.

It's something I feel should be addressed but at the same time I'm intimidated because we haven't agreed to any commitments yet so I don't want to come across clingy. I'm not in love but definitely like and would like to know we're on the same page. Then I wonder if I'm over thinking it because this is sooooo hugely new for us. I mean he told me he liked me, messages me g'morning every day and told me he was bringing me a sweet treat back from a trip they took this weekend. How else does a guy tell ya he likes you. lol Are we over thinking this?

SNeacail 03-26-2012 11:08 PM

Have a boundary discussion, have 4-6, whatever it takes (no "cute and "coy"). This is a discussion that needs to happen with no room for misunderstanding, reading between the lines or misinterpretation. What types of PDA are acceptable? What specifically sets off triggers in the other partners? What are everyone's fears and insecurities about the situation? ETC.

Do a tag search on "boundaries" and "foundations".

PolyCurious4 03-26-2012 11:59 PM

KM34 - Oh, I'm not upset with him at all nor at her. That was just honest gut reaction - jealousy I didn't receive what I normally would had he and I been intimate alone.

SNeacail you're right we need to have a real straight forward conversation. Hubby and I have perfected our communication over the years and I like to think I'm good at articulating my needs and receiving the same requests. I don't know why this is so hard. I guess it's because I feel very vulnerable because I like him.


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