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-   -   please advice... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22501)

Razmataz 03-22-2012 09:50 AM

please advice...
 
Hello everyone! i am a new member and i am mono going out steady with a poly guy,( very new relationship). I love him to bits and am grateful that he filled me in on his poly side as we got chatting and i prayed and hoped that i would be able to be accomodating to who he his.
I would truely love to get ideas on how to not make a scene and fool of myself when he starts interacting with other women....as we have even made plans for marriage. I however haven't had the guts to confide in any of my friends or family for some unknown fear hence when i came across this site i was glad that i would get to share with people who have been in the same situation before. Looking forward to knowing more on these matter as i read more on the poly relationships.

OkNewbs 03-22-2012 03:03 PM

I'm new to the scene, so take my advice on this with a grain of salt. Hopefully seasoned polys will be able to help more.

It sounds like you're asking how to handle jealousy, so that is what I will speak to.

This advice was given to me by a member here, on the same topic.

When you feel a reaction bubbling, pause. Examine it, re-examine it, dig deeper & find the root. For myself, and others as I've read, the jealousy/envy comes from an unmet need/want. Find that. Then pause again. Collect your thoughts, organize them. Calm yourself. Explain your thoughts to your partner & get his reaction. Pause AGAIN. Examine his words, and his meaning. Even though men are very direct creatures, sometimes their words are not exactly their intention. I'm guilty of that one myself, I know what I mean to say but it's hard to put into the correct words. If you're unclear, ask, CALMLY, what exactly he meant. Gather your reaction to that, organize it, etc. Then discuss, openly & calmly, a reasonable compromise. Find the baby steps that work for you.

Even as the instigator of the idea, it's a difficult transition. Take it easy on yourself & him. One of the best things you can do for yourself, your relationship with him & every relationship you have now & in the future (family, friends, romantic, whatever) is to accept, conquer or at the very least recognize the insecurities you have so that you can learn to appropriately deal with them & understand your reactions in a more logical, less knee-jerk kind of way.

Good luck. :)

nycindie 03-22-2012 04:33 PM

Some questions and food for thought:

How long have you two been together? How long have you been discussing marriage? Is anything official yet? How old are you both?

How well do you communicate about your deeper feelings? Has he explained what poly means to him and how he would want to see it work, especially after you two marry? Would you want other partners as well, and is he okay with that?

Have you discussed boundaries such as safer sex practices and how he will manage his time? What are deal-breakers for you? It isn't poly without full consent of everyone involved, so before moving forward into a polyamorous situation with him, you need to sit down and come to some agreement on how things will be handled.

Here is a page with some checklists: http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

Polyamory really works best when people are willing to talk, talk, talk, and then talk some more.

What do you hope to gain from being in a relationship with a poly man? You could wind up with some lovely friendships with his other girlfriends -- are you open to that possibility?

redpepper 03-23-2012 02:39 AM

I would suggest doing a tag search for "foundations" "lessons" and "jealousy." There are lots of great threads to read that will help you get an idea of what you might be up against when he does decide to branch out his love world. Have a good long read and please come back and ask questions when the time comes.


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