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-   -   Not in a polyamorous relationship, but interested. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22445)

veryinterested 03-20-2012 09:31 PM

Not in a polyamorous relationship, but interested.
I'm really interested, but my fiance isn't. We've been together for two years and to be completely honest, I never knew there was such a thing as an "open" relationship, but now I'm pretty interested. He doesn't seem to be completely against it, but he says that the thought of me with someone else makes him sick. He thinks I'd lose interest in him if I were to sleep with other people. He says that maybe one day 10 years from now he might be interested.

Also, how many of you are in happy long term polyamorous relationships? The things I've seen from other people about these types of relationships consist of:

"U R NOT ready for marriage -- U still have lust issues. An "open" marriage" is for immature people who are easily bored out of immaturity."

"And open relationships are for people who are over-sexed."

"If youre taking vows to be with one person only then an open marriage is contradicting your vows & youre lying to your partner. Entering a marriage thinking its gonna be boring & you should see other people means youre not ready to commit."

"If you all think fcking other people is fine that's your choice, but its pretty sad that you think this is normal or acceptable."

"It is sad you are already interested in having an 'open sexual relationship' when you are not even married yet."

"If you are wanting an open relationship, and aren't even married yet, that means you aren't ready for marriage.
Marriage is about monogamy."


Shannanigan 03-21-2012 01:22 AM

If your fiance feels that marriage means monogamy, it might be a conversation worth really focusing on sooner rather than later. Especially if being open is something you're genuinely interested in and if you think you'll always regret not trying. Marriage means different things to different people these days, and you don't want to step on your love's toes if it's something sacred to him.

A lot of people will tell you that marriage = monogamy and that if you're not willing to be monogamous, than it's not for you. Obviously, you'll meet a lot of people here that don't share that sentiment, and I think it's really up to you to decide if that's your definition of marriage. On the topic of wanting to be with other people meaning that you are over-sexed: bullshit. What does over-sexed mean, anyway? And as for it not being "normal" and "acceptable": for who? Clearly, it's normal and acceptable for those who participate in them, and even in some communities abroad which acknowledge men having "mistresses" outside their marriage.

OkNewbs 03-21-2012 01:37 AM

As a middle-ground voice:

My husband & I are religious. We grew up conservatively. This life was something we NEVER considered until the last 1-2 years. We absolutely view our marriage as sacred, but maybe not in the traditional sense. One of our central ground rules is that secondary relationships are just that: secondary. Family is what comes first. Even just between the 2 of us, our child comes first, so it only makes sense to us. We will not allow a girlfriend (or in the future, possibly, boyfriend) to split us up, just as we don't let family or friends come between us.

But, as Shannanigan alluded to, some people are wired for monogamy. Some aren't. Some aren't but don't realize it, or don't realize they're allowed to feel that way. Some is nature, some is upbringing. I don't believe anyone's wrong unless someone get's hurt.

Just my 2 cents.

drtalon 03-21-2012 04:23 AM

I think you should discover what makes you happy and not listen when people tell you what should make you happy. They're not you. Their life is not your life. Their happiness is not your happiness.

NovemberRain 03-21-2012 04:38 AM


Originally Posted by drtalon (Post 129720)
I think you should discover what makes you happy and not listen when people tell you what should make you happy. They're not you. Their life is not your life. Their happiness is not your happiness.


I'm pretty darned happy with my relationships, but I'm not married, never have been. I met First bf nine years ago (Sunday was exactly nine years), and we took up dating. He made friends the man I call Current bf shortly after we started dating. The three of us were great friends. First bf and I broke up, and shortly after that, I started dating Current bf. We lived together many years and remained terrific friends with First bf. Last December, we became a vee, with me at the hinge, and kind of an emotional triad. Eight years in the making. We have a shot. :) and I'm actually blissfully happy.

I can't imagine another woman that would be happy in my spot (with these particular men). It could happen, sure; is it likely? not at all.

So, what Dr. Talon says is very true. Look for your own happiness. hmmm, sounds familiar, I think Dorothy said that too.....

HotPepper 03-21-2012 08:31 AM


Originally Posted by veryinterested (Post 129643)

"If you are wanting an open relationship, and aren't even married yet, that means you aren't ready for marriage.
Marriage is about monogamy."


Well, marriage may not be as much about monogamy as many people believe it to be. Most of human recorded history has included non-monogamous relationships (maybe you should have these people read the old testament).

I'm not saying bible-style polygyny is the way to go either (yeah, just a little sexist when compared to polyamory), but it does offer proof that the "marriage = monogamy" lifestyle isn't nearly as set in stone as many believe. I wonder what those people you quoted above would say if you told them that?

redpepper 03-22-2012 03:15 PM

I have been identifying as poly since before I was married 11 years ago. I entered into a poly marriage with every intent of living up to the values that my husband and I agreed upon for OURSELVES. We didn't follow any socially constructed agenda on how marriage should be done and we are all the happier for it. There were years when we tried. We had a child and it felt natural to focus all our attention on him for a time. It made us unhappy and near divorce. Eventually we decided to open our hearts to other people again and now I live with my husband, my boyfriend, have a girlfriend and a very close community of friends that all practice poly values as we have decided they should be for us. It works. No one can say otherwise, as I see it working. Its my entire life. I know no difference from this and find people in traditional monogamous marriages confusing and strange at this point.

Monogamy doesn't have to be followed as it has been dictated to us by the culture we live in. Its possible to follow and practice a different form of monogamy based on abundant love, integrity, open and honest communication, empathy, consideration and consent, just as it is with poly. Poly is not holding fast to this way of thinking and making it its own. The only different between poly relationships and monogamous ones is the number of possible love partners. Some people even have friends that are just as close as what others consider partners. It all depends on what you feel comfortable with and what language you wish to use. You can easily be in a monogamous marriage and have really close friends that you connect and are intimate with and not call it poly. Its all a mind set and what some of us have chosen to call ourselves.

By the way, and "open relationship" is quite commonly referred to by people who have sex outside of their marriage rather than relationships. It is sometimes used by people to explain what it is they are entering into as it has become mainstream, but if you are seriously looking at finding other loves in your life and wonder why poly people might not want to date you, this could be why.... different use of language really. You might need to explain what it is that you are looking for so everyone is on the same page.

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