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-   -   If it quacks like a duck... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22440)

persephone 03-20-2012 08:12 PM

If it quacks like a duck...
 
I was contacted by a somewhat older gentleman on a poly site, whose profile included this:

I am not trying to change anyones present situation (well maybe a piece of it) but rather to add some REAL excitement to our lives.

I wrote to him and told him that if he was cheating on his wife, he didn't belong on a poly site. He wrote back in a VERY huffy manner, telling me that I was wrong about him and that I had no right to judge anyway.

WTF?

Thoughts?

nycindie 03-20-2012 08:18 PM

Not enough to go on without seeing the whole profile. That sentence you're quoting, by itself without context, doesn't say much to me.

KyleKat 03-20-2012 11:42 PM

If it quacks like a duck surely it's a witch and you should burn it! Burn it! She turned me into a newt! ... It got better...

Anyone get the monty python reference?

Anyway my point is don't assume things.

km34 03-21-2012 01:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KyleKat (Post 129663)
If it quacks like a duck surely it's a witch and you should burn it! Burn it! She turned me into a newt! ... It got better...

Anyone get the monty python reference?

Anyway my point is don't assume things.

<3 Monty Python (and you a little bit for saying that)!!

As for the topic at hand... I don't think you can really tell whether he is cheating or not.

Somegeezer 03-21-2012 03:19 AM

I love me some out of context quoting. Why the hell were you assuming he was cheating? Especially as he was on a poly site. Where I assume a lot of poly people would be. What did he say exactly, to make you think he was? If it was just a random remark from you, because you believe everyone who is poly must be cheating, I'd have been a lot less nice than he was.

persephone 03-21-2012 12:08 PM

Looking for that spark...
Looking for a discreet friend...
Not looking to change my situation or yours...
Not looking to change my life, just make it more fun...
Looking for drama-free fun...


Cheaters have buzzwords. I should know, I have enough of them hitting on me online despite every online profile I have ever had specifically saying I don't want anything to do with them. It doesn't help, they don't read, and they think that what they want is much more important than what any woman wants anyway.

If a person uses one or more of these buzzwords and has a "discreet" photo (or none at all), I have found that 99 percent of the time, they are cheating on a wife or long-term girlfriend. It doesn't matter if they're on a poly site or on ashleymadison.com. Sometimes, when I ask if they are poly, I get "Sure, I'm poly but my wife doesn't know!"

I may have found the one exception this week in the guy who got huffy with me. No biggie, he wasn't that appealing anyway.

nycindie 03-21-2012 04:46 PM

Well... hmm, what did you want from us, then? Thoughts on cheaters? Opinions on why this man got "huffy" with you? Why spend any more energy on him?

km34 03-21-2012 05:19 PM

I probably would have gotten huffy too if I was in his position... I'm sure he's aware that most poly people aren't interested in cheaters. Why even bother messaging him if you weren't interested in him? To me, that just seems like going out of your way to judge someone when it really isn't your place. He wasn't asking for opinions or propositioning you personally in any manner. It would be the same as someone admitting in their profile (or alluding to the fact) that he/she is a kleptomaniac and has a tendency to steal things and someone sending him/her a message just to tell that person that stealing is wrong and that they have no business being like that.

Maybe he and his wife have a DADT policy and that's why it needs to be discreet. Maybe he just likes recreating the "sneaking around" adrenaline rush even though his wife is okay with it (I've done that). Maybe he has a VERY strict work environment or is very well known in public and can't come out as poly. There are many reasons to be discreet. Yes, I agree, usually people who use the word are cheating, but it isn't a hard and fast rule, and I really don't think it's proof enough to send a message out of the blue.

(I apologize if he DID contact you first, in that situation, I would have replied similarly. I am also not trying to be mean, just saying that I would be rather pissed if it happened to me - someone who has never cheated but has asked for "discreet encounters"-, so I understand his huffiness)

nycindie 03-21-2012 05:33 PM

Whenever a married cheater contacts me, I don't even respond. Not worth my time -- and what do I prove by telling him off?

AutumnalTone 03-21-2012 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by km34 (Post 129798)
(I apologize if he DID contact you first, in that situation, I would have replied similarly. I am also not trying to be mean, just saying that I would be rather pissed if it happened to me - someone who has never cheated but has asked for "discreet encounters"-, so I understand his huffiness)

The first sentence of the OP stated that the man involved made contact first.


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