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-   -   Envy - sex for him but not for me (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22436)

Chaz 03-20-2012 04:03 PM

Envy - sex for him but not for me
 
As of last November my Wife has taken the first step in our Open Marriage agreement by taking on a lover. The agreement goes something like this:
-She can go out and date and have sex while I stay at home with the kids. This has included a couple of weekend trips with her lover.

-I am only allowed to have sex outside the marriage on business trips, not at home. At this point I have not had any success on that front.
Also around November, we emerged from a difficult time in our marriage, not related to sex. We are in the clear now emotionally and the marriage feels strong. However, we have only had sex twice since then, whereas she has sex with her lover about once a week. I have made it very clear that this bothers me no end. I don't expect a 1:1 kind of thing, but when we get into the 30:1 kind of ratios, it starts seeming awfully unfair.

I understand that after coming out of a difficult time in a marriage can mean that there isn't a lot of sex, but it sure feels like she's getting her sexual needs filled and not bothering to address re-connecting with me.

What drives me crazy is that her lover gets lots of sexual goodies, and I get virtually none, while at the same time I'm barred from filling my needs outside unless i'm out of town on work, where I'm generally busy and not very good at the "pick-up" bar scene anyways.

What does everyone think? Is my envy reasonable?

bastet 03-20-2012 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chaz (Post 129577)
The agreement goes something like this:
-She can go out and date and have sex while I stay at home with the kids. This has included a couple of weekend trips with her lover.

-I am only allowed to have sex outside the marriage on business trips, not at home. At this point I have not had any success on that front.

So your wife is allowed to have a regular lover but you are only allowed to hook up with people when away? What do you want? If it's not that then maybe it's time to talk about it some more. Do you want to pursue people at home? Why is it ok for her and not you?

I'm new here and don't have a lot of answers about envy etc. but talking about how you feel to her is a good place to start.

nycindie 03-20-2012 04:32 PM

This is clearly a case where "relationship broken, add people" does not work. It's time to renegotiate!

Chaz 03-20-2012 04:41 PM

I'm actually OK with the agreement. I was actually thrilled with the whole thing when it started. With month after month of virtually no sex however has made me bitter and resentful. I told her this in a long letter last night and was just yelled at on the phone for about a half an hour about how she can't make me happy because making others happy is impossible and that my writing the letter was a plea for pity, and who wants to have sex with someone who just feels sorry for themselves anyways. What she says is that I'm just trying to ruin her fun.

I understand where she's coming from for sure but I just don't understand why it isn't reasonable for me to ask for more in the context of someone else having sex.

SNeacail 03-20-2012 04:57 PM

When my marriage finally started to get repaired, our sex increased significantly. To me this sounds like your marriage is in serious trouble and I would suggest counceling. Your wife is using you as a babysitter and paycheck while she builds her life elsewhere.

Chaz 03-20-2012 05:06 PM

It's not really like that, there's no chance of that and she's communicated that quite clearly.

nycindie 03-20-2012 05:12 PM

When you come here asking for opinions and then say "no" to everyone's input, what can we really say? Are you looking for advice or just people to agree with you?

dingedheart 03-20-2012 06:14 PM

I think you wife is sending you a very direct message both verbally and non verbally ...you might want to come to terms with that.

Why would you agree to such a deal... I don't get it? Whats the downside in breaking the deal ...you wont get laid at home. :D

Why not start scheduling trips out of town? ....Not just for business :)

OkNewbs 03-20-2012 06:52 PM

While we have no "real world" experience just yet, one of the ground rules my husband & i have laid out is that he & i must have more sex with each other than with our lovers, since our marriage is the "main dish" and our lovers are the "spice."

I have to agree, as a woman recently out of a very rough spot in my marriage, that the lack of sex gives me concern as to the health of the marriage.

OkNewbs 03-20-2012 06:54 PM

Quote:

What she says is that I'm just trying to ruin her fun.
That in & of itself doesn't concern you?? That's a MAJOR red flag for me.


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