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-   -   Doubts (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22430)

onoma 03-20-2012 02:17 PM

Doubts
 
So of course everyone has doubts sometimes. I'm slowly heading towards polyamory, but I'm currently in a monogamous relationship that I don't really want to give up. I do love her and sometimes I can see being with her forever, but I'm not sure I can see never wanting to be with anyone else.

Added to that is the fact that in the past I've been pretty terrible at meeting women. I think I'd be better now but...

I worry about giving up something good for this big unknown, and then even finding that I only think I'm poly.

Finally, I'm actually kind of a closed-off person. I'm not super social and I don't do a good job of maintaining friend relationships. A lot of times I'd really rather just be left alone... and even the time/effort involved with one girlfriend seems like so much that how could I possibly be this close to two women?

So I was wondering what other people might have doubts about regarding their lifestyle.

Shannanigan 03-21-2012 12:58 AM

Each individual, including yourself, will have to decide what is the best way to deal with their situation and feelings.

That being said, I have found that I most often experience self-doubt when I watch movies and TV shows that promote the "monogamous ideal;" they really do present an attractive and convincing case sometimes, but I'm also aware that there's a lot of forced emotions with montages and music, heh. I also experience it a bit when EVERY person I talk to eventually asks if I ever plan to get married, because I think marriage is also presented as something that should be one's "goal" in life.

I don't think that this means everyone's been made into mono-zombies by media; I think monogamy is the right lovestyle for many people. I do wish that those of us its not for weren't always made to question it, though.

NovemberRain 03-21-2012 04:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onoma (Post 129559)
So of course everyone has doubts sometimes. I'm slowly heading towards polyamory, but I'm currently in a monogamous relationship that I don't really want to give up. I do love her and sometimes I can see being with her forever, but I'm not sure I can see never wanting to be with anyone else.

Added to that is the fact that in the past I've been pretty terrible at meeting women. I think I'd be better now but...

I worry about giving up something good for this big unknown, and then even finding that I only think I'm poly.

Finally, I'm actually kind of a closed-off person. I'm not super social and I don't do a good job of maintaining friend relationships. A lot of times I'd really rather just be left alone... and even the time/effort involved with one girlfriend seems like so much that how could I possibly be this close to two women?

So I was wondering what other people might have doubts about regarding their lifestyle.

My doubt is whether or not I can keep my mouth shut when I should. I'm not closed off, at least I don't like to be. I, just tonight, met a lovely man in the grocery store because I just randomly started talking to him about the magazine covers (he was standing behind me in line).
But more I worry about work. I just went to Vegas with First bf. I told people at work I was going with him, I've discussed that I'm friends with him before and some (most?) know he's an ex. 'oh Current bf has to work' I'd be so much better off not discussing it. I won't get fired, but it would just be better not to share.

and my inclination is to tell you some things to help you not worry, and I'm resisting that, because it's not what you asked. :D

onoma 03-21-2012 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NovemberRain (Post 129726)
and my inclination is to tell you some things to help you not worry, and I'm resisting that, because it's not what you asked. :D

I'm not exactly a stickler for staying on topic... :)

NovemberRain 03-22-2012 04:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onoma (Post 129559)
So of course everyone has doubts sometimes. I'm slowly heading towards polyamory, but I'm currently in a monogamous relationship that I don't really want to give up. I do love her and sometimes I can see being with her forever, but I'm not sure I can see never wanting to be with anyone else.

Is your partner open to it? (you've likely posted about that elsewhere....sorry, my tracking abilities are next to nothing these days...overload)

Quote:

Originally Posted by onoma (Post 129559)
Added to that is the fact that in the past I've been pretty terrible at meeting women. I think I'd be better now but...

So, why were you terrible at it; and what's changed? Are you comfortable with a dating site? OKCupid seems pretty popular with folks here. (I'm not familiar with it) If I were looking, that's where I'd go.

Quote:

Originally Posted by onoma (Post 129559)
I worry about giving up something good for this big unknown, and then even finding that I only think I'm poly.

Ah, so you would have to give it up. ? Some people can live with not knowing things. I am, for instance, quite content to travel many places via movies and television. When I was younger, I drove all over the USA, and loved it. I also went to Paris, a childhood dream. And now that my body is not as cooperative, I'm quite content to enjoy travels vicariously.

Others are haunted by not finding out things for themselves.

Quote:

Originally Posted by onoma (Post 129559)
Finally, I'm actually kind of a closed-off person. I'm not super social and I don't do a good job of maintaining friend relationships. A lot of times I'd really rather just be left alone... and even the time/effort involved with one girlfriend seems like so much that how could I possibly be this close to two women?

That's worth considering. I recommend reading JaneQSmythes posts (and her blog/life story). She identifies as an introvert (I think) and might have useful insights for you.

I also really recommend a book by Elaine Aron, _The Highly Sensitive Person_. She talks about folks who would rather just be left alone; and a lot about how and why it's not a bad thing, just different than most of society. [I am an extravert, but also highly sensitive. I have a fine line of how much socializing is just right. I need alone time to recover from my socializing, but if I'm alone too long, I get a little nutty. I 'recharge' by being with people.]

That's why I think my relationships work so well. Both my men are very involved in their own lives and view a girlfriend as quite a bit of work. One of them is seriously introverted. This way, I get more attention and they get more alone time.

So, I'm curious as to why you think you might be poly, if the above paragraph is the case.

HotPepper 03-22-2012 07:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onoma (Post 129559)
So of course everyone has doubts sometimes. I'm slowly heading towards polyamory, but I'm currently in a monogamous relationship that I don't really want to give up. I do love her and sometimes I can see being with her forever, but I'm not sure I can see never wanting to be with anyone else.

This is the hardest thing you have to do - deciding whether or not to share this part of yourself with your SO. That you believe yourself to by polyamorous. I have recently gone through a similar decision process. The fear involved with revealing this part of yourself to your loved one (or ones) can be paralyzing.

The worst thing about this is that the decision is open-ended. Once you decide to tell her, there's no going back. But if you don't tell her, the decision still remains open to you forever! That is stressful.

And that constant pressure of having that decision available, means that sooner or later, you'll tell her. And that will relieve the pressure of not only finally being honest with her, but also remove the stress of always facing this ominous decision in your life. (Look - there is a horrible alternative, and that's to be dishonest with her and trying to keep the stress of this perpetually impending decision at bay - good luck with that).

So tell her. Just work out exactly how you feel, go over in your head what you'll say, what beliefs you have, because there is nothing worse then not being completely honest at this point, but you have to do it with compassion.

OkNewbs 03-22-2012 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HotPepper (Post 129892)
This is the hardest thing you have to do - deciding whether or not to share this part of yourself with your SO. That you believe yourself to by polyamorous. I have recently gone through a similar decision process. The fear involved with revealing this part of yourself to your loved one (or ones) can be paralyzing.

The worst thing about this is that the decision is open-ended. Once you decide to tell her, there's no going back. But if you don't tell her, the decision still remains open to you forever! That is stressful.

And that constant pressure of having that decision available, means that sooner or later, you'll tell her. And that will relieve the pressure of not only finally being honest with her, but also remove the stress of always facing this ominous decision in your life. (Look - there is a horrible alternative, and that's to be dishonest with her and trying to keep the stress of this perpetually impending decision at bay - good luck with that).

So tell her. Just work out exactly how you feel, go over in your head what you'll say, what beliefs you have, because there is nothing worse then not being completely honest at this point, but you have to do it with compassion.


I would agree with the above. I would like to add, though, that for me, I had to "come out" to someone else first in order to get my thoughts straight. I'm the type that needs to talk thru things in order to get my head straight. Had I told my husband before I got everything sorted, I would have fumbled around & probably given the wrong impression. And in all honesty, this discussion for us has been almost 2 years long. I've posted elsewhere about that (I think, it may have been a PM), so I'm not going to get off-topic here. Or more off topic. ;)

This site has been an amazing resource in that respect. Do your research, find out how you feel, what you want, who you are, and if you can *really* see this as a good & fulfilling life for yourself. If & when you decide to have that conversation with your SO, make sure YOU know what you want/feel/believe/need. Also, again just my 2 cents, have an idea of what you would want as ground rules going forward, if your SO were to agree. Hubbs was very wary until I was able to paint the picture for him. He still had to process & decide on his own, but in the end we came to a very workable compromise.

It's a confusing subject even if you fit into the category, even more so for someone who's never heard of it!

Good luck!

onoma 03-27-2012 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NovemberRain (Post 129871)
Is your partner open to it? (you've likely posted about that elsewhere....sorry, my tracking abilities are next to nothing these days...overload)

She says she's not at all open to it and actually morally opposed to it. However... she never seems to think twice about infidelity presented in TV shows or movies. She even seems to really like male characters who are known for cheating, which makes me wonder if she's not as against it as she feels the need to claim.

Quote:

So, why were you terrible at it; and what's changed? Are you comfortable with a dating site? OKCupid seems pretty popular with folks here. (I'm not familiar with it) If I were looking, that's where I'd go.
The big thing that's changed is I feel more confident. I'd be more likely to approach women and talk to them, and less worried/stressed about every little thing. (In other words not as clingy/desperate as I used to be.)

Quote:

Ah, so you would have to give it up. ? Some people can live with not knowing things. I am, for instance, quite content to travel many places via movies and television. When I was younger, I drove all over the USA, and loved it. I also went to Paris, a childhood dream. And now that my body is not as cooperative, I'm quite content to enjoy travels vicariously.

Others are haunted by not finding out things for themselves.
I think it might be easier to enjoy things vicariously if you've already experienced them firsthand. But I do try to figure this out pretty much every day. Should it really matter if I never sleep with anyone else? A part of me feels like it shouldn't...


Quote:

That's worth considering. I recommend reading JaneQSmythes posts (and her blog/life story). She identifies as an introvert (I think) and might have useful insights for you.
I'll check those out when I get more time...

Quote:

I also really recommend a book by Elaine Aron, _The Highly Sensitive Person_. She talks about folks who would rather just be left alone; and a lot about how and why it's not a bad thing, just different than most of society. [I am an extravert, but also highly sensitive. I have a fine line of how much socializing is just right. I need alone time to recover from my socializing, but if I'm alone too long, I get a little nutty. I 'recharge' by being with people.]

That's why I think my relationships work so well. Both my men are very involved in their own lives and view a girlfriend as quite a bit of work. One of them is seriously introverted. This way, I get more attention and they get more alone time.

So, I'm curious as to why you think you might be poly, if the above paragraph is the case.
Take a look at the "How and when did you know?" thread for the long version... but in short I just don't feel jealous at the thought of my SO being with someone else, and I don't understand the mentality of no longer loving someone if they have any desire to be with another person. I guess I might even just want the freedom to know that I could be with someone else if I wanted to...

onoma 03-27-2012 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OkNewbs (Post 129917)
I would agree with the above. I would like to add, though, that for me, I had to "come out" to someone else first in order to get my thoughts straight. I'm the type that needs to talk thru things in order to get my head straight. Had I told my husband before I got everything sorted, I would have fumbled around & probably given the wrong impression. And in all honesty, this discussion for us has been almost 2 years long. I've posted elsewhere about that (I think, it may have been a PM), so I'm not going to get off-topic here. Or more off topic. ;)

This site has been an amazing resource in that respect. Do your research, find out how you feel, what you want, who you are, and if you can *really* see this as a good & fulfilling life for yourself. If & when you decide to have that conversation with your SO, make sure YOU know what you want/feel/believe/need. Also, again just my 2 cents, have an idea of what you would want as ground rules going forward, if your SO were to agree. Hubbs was very wary until I was able to paint the picture for him. He still had to process & decide on his own, but in the end we came to a very workable compromise.

It's a confusing subject even if you fit into the category, even more so for someone who's never heard of it!

Good luck!


I wish I'd had the chance to broach the subject... she actually saw OK Cupid in my browser history and asked me if I wanted to see other people one night. I'm all but incapable of lying, so I said I'd thought about it.

That discussion did not end well...


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