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-   -   confused/upset you name it.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22413)

genebean 03-20-2012 12:09 AM

confused/upset you name it..
I am having a really hard time right now because I feel like I am not being allowed the time to transition properly into this lifestyle. My boyfriend and I were hanging out and drinking with some poly friends and the man approached me and asked me what I thought about my boyfriend having another girlfriend right now I said that I wasn't ready for that and that we would end up splitting up if that happened right now. He told me the reason he asked was because his wife is interested in my boyfriend. At this point the night was winding down and my boyfriend and I decided to go to sleep. I was having trouble sleeping but was still tired so I stayed in bed. When they got back in the house and saw that we had gone to sleep, they got really upset and the man told the woman that she needs to go and "fuck the shit" out of my boyfriend so i'll leave. I was livid at this point but really was not in the mood to discuss it so I continued to stay in bed. He then said that he was pissed because I wouldn't sleep with him, that I was teasing him. I am upset because although I have slept with him once, I never told him there was going to be anymore times. The next morning when we left I told my boyfriend about what I had heard and he feels we should give them the benefit of the doubt and talk to them about it. I am so put off by what was said that I no longer trust either of them. I guess my question is, is the benefit of the doubt deserved in this case? I have a very hard time trusting people and when stuff like this happens it just makes it ten times worse.

ThatGirlInGray 03-20-2012 12:31 AM

Uhhh, how long have you been friends with them up until now? Because my gut reaction to the "fuck the shit" comment was, "What the hell?!?! Some friend!!" If you've been friends with them for a really long time and you think alcohol might be a mitigating factor, then maybe I'd agree with your bf and at least talk to them about it. But unless there's a loooong history with them, then no. In my experience alcohol usually just allows people to say what they're really thinking without the social acceptability filter. He, at least, sounds like he's calling himself poly just for the sex, but that's not how it works. Being poly doesn't mean you have to be any more open to sleeping with people than if you were mono- it just means if you decide to sleep with someone you have the possibility of doing so without cheating on a current partner(s). Not knowing him or you, my response would be to walk on. You don't need that kind of crap just because they happen to also call themselves poly any more than you'd deal with shitty, abusive friends just because they're mono.

genebean 03-20-2012 01:01 AM

I am really hesitant to say absolutely not because of what the man had said about the woman having feelings for my boyfriend. At this point, as I said I am not ready for our relationship to go fully open in that way so ex-communicating sounds pretty good. I am very afraid to trust the woman because on valentines day she sent a nude picture of herself to my boyfriend and as an afterthought said "i hope that was okay" to me. it wasn't so much the picture that bothered me but the assumption that I would be totally cool with it. I was very hurt by the fact that she didn't think of my feelings on the matter beforehand. Now I'm not sure if I was being unreasonable in that or not so I'm very shaky on trusting my feelings on this too.

nycindie 03-20-2012 01:42 AM

Those people are not poly! They're just into sex and using others to get what they want, it would seem from those kinds of remarks. If they were poly and really wanted relationships with you, and true friends who cared, they wouldn't have been so impatient and crude. If I were you, I would steer clear. As they say, "with friends like this, who needs enemies?"

AnnabelMore 03-20-2012 02:05 AM

There is little that pisses me off more than people who think they're "owed" sex and that you're "leading them on" just because you had sex once, or you were friendly, or they like you, or WHATEVER. Fuck that. Fuck. That.

If you can't trust these people to be respectful when you're all just friends, it will get a million times worse if they think they have some actual claim on you and/or your bf. Continue to explore poly if you think you're interested, but not with these people or it will be nothing but drama. Who cares if this woman has feelings for your bf, that doesn't give her the right to expect *anything* before you've all actually talked about it and agreed to what you want.

Avoid this situation. You're not overreacting. If anything, you're underreacting.

ThatGirlInGray 03-20-2012 02:43 AM

And for the record, "interested" does not equal "feelings" anyway. You can be interested in a ton of people, but you're only going to develop feelings for a percentage of those.

Jericka 03-20-2012 01:39 PM

Wow. I may be poly, but, I wouldn't touch that dude.

I have run into people who seem to think that if I am poly,then I will have sex with anyone who wants me. Um. Hell no!?! I like who I like, and I don't see any reason to date anyone who is not as awesome as my love and his wife.

This couple does not sound awesome. They don't sound respectful. They do sound manipulative.

Also, any guy who expresses in any way that he feels he is owed sex? I run. This is NOT a safe attitude to be around.

bastet 03-20-2012 01:50 PM

They sound very confused about what poly is about. Perhaps they lean more toward the swinger side of the lifestyle and aren't the best couple to be testing the waters with?

If you feel uncomfortable you have every right to put the brakes on it. Talking is great but when a person or couple focuses on the sex more than your feelings it raises some red flags. imho.

Trust yourself and your instincts. You don't have to move faster than you want to.

ViableAlternative 03-20-2012 08:00 PM


Originally Posted by Jericka (Post 129553)
Also, any guy who expresses in any way that he feels he is owed sex? I run. This is NOT a safe attitude to be around.

Though it's not really my style to post just to say, "Yeah, what s/he said", well.... Yeah. What Jericka said.

And to reiterate: NOT SAFE. As in, don't spend alone time with a guy like that. Because it is NOT SAFE. That guy? He is not safe for you to be around. Wish I could somehow make it even clearer.

That said, were it not for the fact that the woman is married to this self-absorbed dickwad, I'd want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Nowhere in your post did you say that SHE said anything untoward that night. How did she respond when her husband said she should "fuck the shit" out of your boyfriend? Did she say, "Dude. That was really crass. That would be really cruel, I would never hurt her, don't say things like that." Or did she say "Hell yeah, if only that stupid bitch wasn't dating him...." Her response might really meter how I felt about her in such a situation. All the same, she's a package deal (everyone is, to some degree or other; everyone has baggage), and the package includes her attatchment to her husband. Even if you and your boyfriend have no involvement with the guy, that, for me, is too close for comfort.

If your boyfriend insists on giving her or them the benefit of the doubt, that doesn't mean that you have to. Though the nude pic thing would bother me too, it's still something your boyfriend should decide for himself. Make your relationship agreements and boundaries with him, and trust him. Let him make his own choices about who he wants in his friends circle. Just know that you get to choose your own friends circle, and these crazy buggers don't have to be in it. I would, personally, never associate with the man again. You DO NOT owe him or ANYONE sex, EVER, and DO NOT deserve to be thought of as a hole that's been teasing him.

Lastly.... Maybe you can show this thread to your boyfriend. I get the feeling that he might not "get" how serious and dangerous the man's way of thinking is for you. Maybe seeing what other, experienced, polyamorous people feel about such statements will help reassure him that you're not overreacting in wanting to back away from these people. Just, whatever your boyfriend decides for himself, do take steps to ensure your own safety. I really do recommend not being alone with the husband, ever. Sad that women have to be proactive about their safety instead of naturally being secure in such things, but it is what it is.

genebean 03-23-2012 09:45 PM

update-- I am so hurt right now, I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I told my boyfriend that I couldn't stand him dating the woman and would have to leave if he decided to..i know that it's not right for me to put a parameter on who he can and cannot date but I have reasons to think she's not trustworthy. She was best friends with a mutual friend and she had sex with her husband behind the friends back. How can I condone that? If she didn't respect her best friend how can I expect her to respect him or i? I feel like his desires are clouding his reason and he doesn't care about that because all he cares about his having sex with her. He tells me that he will listen to my concerns but he isn't now. They don't matter to him it seems.

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