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-   -   My dilemma (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2241)

disarmedheart 03-01-2010 05:58 AM

My dilemma
I met my current partner (M) whilst I was in a monogamous relationship with someone else. My girlfriend at the time (O) and I were just starting to open up to the idea of polyamory and this was her first choice as a possible triad candidate.

Fast forward, the triad relationship is over, ending with my original partner (O) lying and cheating on the both of us (M and I). This broke M's heart and neither of us had really ever been mono together and didn't quite know how to go about it at first and there was much adjusting to be done. We tried to form other poly relationships, but none quite took off.

We've both always been of the polyfidelitous triad mindset.

Present day, I am still very much wanting to be involved in a triad type relationship whereas M no longer seems to want polyamory in her life in any form. I'm not really sure what I should do.

We've both talked about everything openly, very extensively. We've also been together for over 6 years. It just seems like we want different things now, but we both want the other in our lives. She is content to remain monogamous, but I just feel so strongly towards the triad lifestyle we once had. I just feel like I'm suited for it.

I'm at a loss. I don't feel like this is something I should leave the relationship over, as it seems a bit ridiculous and I want to share a triad relationship with her, but I understand that that is no longer something she wants. At the same time, I do not feel that I can, in good conscience, just be content with a monogamous relationship. To that end, I d not feel that I can satisfy her needs for a monogamous partner.

I guess I'm just thinking out loud here, but I really don't know what I should do. I feel this odd sense of abandonment, like she's just left behind the ideals we once shared, even though I know this is irrational and that people and their needs and wants change. It is just so sad that we both want to be together, but our differing directions seem to be leading us apart. I feel guilty because I know this is largely my 'fault' for wanting something 'more' than what I already share with her, but at the same time it is difficult for me to accept that I can not love more than one person within the bounds of our current relationship. It just doesn't seem right.


MonoVCPHG 03-01-2010 07:29 AM


Originally Posted by disarmedheart (Post 23147)
I feel guilty because I know this is largely my 'fault' for wanting something 'more' than what I already share with her, *

This is no person's fault my friend. This is your nature and her nature. There is no blame when both are honest whether compatible or not.

No need to feel guilty.

Take care and stay true to yourself

GroundedSpirit 03-01-2010 02:45 PM

Hi Disarmed,

I think it's important to keep some distinction between things from a philosophical perspective as well as a practical perspective.

I think we all live somewhat in one or the other of those worlds at different times. With our unique personalities one may have one foot deeper in one world than the other more of the time.

And in regards to poly, relationships etc, this is VERY much a factor. There's a definite philosophy that you either gravitate to or not. It sounds like you both do.

Then there's the practical side. Different beast.
Getting too wrapped up in either living or pursuing 'poly' can be time and emotionally draining. Different people have different demands on them in their daily lives and some are (even if temporarily) tapped out on either or both ! So the desire just isn't there.

We've both been on and off this wagon more times than I can count LOL

Maybe this is where you two are at right now. She may just have a lot going on in her life (and head) and as much as she might be philosophically comfortable with the whole idea, just simply doesn't have the resources left to put towards it.

Be patient. Relax. Time changes everything.


Thunderlizard 03-01-2010 04:52 PM


Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 23166)

Be patient. Relax. Time changes everything.


OR.. it doesn't. She may have actually changed her mindset on a permanent basis.. if that's so, then the honesty and communication are going to be your greatest allies.

Definitely give her time to evaluate and decide.. but keep the dialogue open, as well. Make sure you're not individually working on the situation to different ends... know where your head is, and where hers is. There's certainly precedent for this situation that has ended in a positive relationship wherein one partner is mono and one is not. I have to double agree with "be patient".. that's the best advice, along with "Talk!"

Fingers crossed for you!

disarmedheart 03-01-2010 07:43 PM

Thanks for all the responses.

That's the thing, I am being patient. It's been well on 3 years now; she went from 'give me time' to 'I am definitely interested in only having a mono relationship.'

During that 3 years, it's not like we'd been talking about it or that I was pestering her or anything; I simply waited for her to say anything about it, but it never came, so recently I started talking about my feelings on this area again and she made herself clear this time and I just don't know where that leaves me.

NeonKaos 03-01-2010 09:12 PM

It sounds like your relationship is at a crossroads and that she has made her choice. You need to decide if the benefits of staying with her outweigh the disadvantages of not being able to see other people, or else go your separate ways.

Thunderlizard 03-01-2010 11:40 PM

Indeed.. a tough spot to be in. My wife went through similar circumstances several times before we got together... and although she wasn't able to resolve the differences with her partners.... here's hoping that you can.

SchrodingersCat 03-02-2010 12:23 AM

Another possibility might be a compromise on both your parts. It doesn't sound like she'll ever be interested in a triad, and it doesn't sound like you'll ever be interested in an exclusive relationship with her. How would she feel about you being poly and her being monogamous?

It might be beneficial to have a really difficult talk about the fact that you'll never be happy knowing that the relationship can only ever be exclusive and that in order for you to remain true to yourself, you need the option of one day being able to live a poly lifestyle. Then you can make the decision together whether to end the relationship or to keep poly on the table.

In other words, you don't need to feel that you are single-handedly responsible for ending the relationship because you want to be poly, and the converse is that she doesn't need to feel single-handedly responsible for ending the relationship because she won't allow you to be poly. You would be making a mutual decision that you have incompatible goals in your relationship and that it would have to end.

disarmedheart 03-02-2010 01:54 AM

We have considered the possibility of me seeing another person, but that is not something she wants, nor is it exactly my ideal setup, either.

Basically, it's not something she's comfortable with, whether it's something I'd want or not.

NeonKaos 03-02-2010 04:12 AM

The way I tend to look at this type of situation is a combination of "a bird in the hand is worth two in a bush" and "if it ain't broke don't fix it". No dirty puns intended, and not to be taken literally (especially the "ain't broke" part).

In my case, "being poly" is not so important to me that I'd say "see ya" if my husband said "It's either monogamy or nothing". Although, we have always been poly in theory when it comes to me being with other women... recently I realized and he agreed that it doesn't really matter what the gender of the "other person" is. So, theoretically, he is now "allowed" to pursue love-relationships with other women, but I don't think he is interested. Please don't interpret this to mean that I would dump someone or expect him to do so if we were to become involved. I am describing the way things are and the way they have been. If we were to get other people involved in our dynamic, it certainly could be a "game-changer" as is being discussed in another thread. I meant that today, the way things are RIGHT NOW, if he came to me and said "I don't want this", I would agree to that.

Anyway, what I am trying to say without hijacking the conversation is that I would choose to stay with my husband if he gave me that ultimatum because one great relationship is not worth leaving for two or more potentially great relationships. Again, this is JUST ME and I'm not trying to say that this is the right way to go about it for anyone else.

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