Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Life stories and blogs (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=5)
-   -   Cracking Open (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2240)

rolypoly 03-01-2010 04:20 AM

Cracking Open
It's been a while since I've posted or read on here. I'm trying to learn a programming language and I've had a lot of work on the computer, so typing long posts is daunting these days. Email is enough for the moment.

I just wanted to pipe up and share how wonderful my weekend was!! I went to a poly meet and met redpepper, Mono and Nerdist, (oh my gosh, I can't remember his handle on here) and so many other wonderful people.

What a pleasure!!

All the kindness and love that people are sending my way is helping me to crack open. I'm being very honest with myself and learning new ways to be in the world. I'm facing my relationship challenges head on. I'm also giving people much more credit that they are willing to be accommodating towards me instead of assuming I will be misunderstood.

I'm feeling very grateful right now.

It feels so good knowing that I belong somewhere. That everyone belongs somewhere.

MonoVCPHG 03-01-2010 07:25 AM

The pleasure was all mine RolyPoly:) We're all looking forward to seeing you again!!

redpepper 03-01-2010 07:36 AM

Next time you and me should do some shopping!! :) so looking forward to seeing you again. *hugs* so glad you could come.

rolypoly 03-04-2010 07:34 AM

I realize I'm not going to be able to sleep properly if I don't share all of this. :p

Coming out as poly over the past couple years has changed so many things for me. I'm in another stage of that now and need to process it.

I'm used to feeling embarrassed about the way that I love. Somewhere along the way I picked up the idea that it was rediculous to have a crush on so many people, so I haven't felt comfortable expressing the times that I do. I can seriously have a crush on someone every week. I can think of at least a dozen people in my life at this moment that I have had some kind of thoughts about.

I used to try to squish the intensity of my feelings into one person and oh boy, those poor people. I'm now overcoming my shyness about how many and how much I like.

Another thing I'm facing is a sense of guilt for not being able to give the same kind of love to everyone. Some people I am fascinated by. Others I feel completely enamored with. Some I like some of the time, but not all of the time. Others I will love for the rest of my life and could wipe drool from their chins when they're 90.

On top of this, I am capable of loving someone and not wanting to be intimate. Sometimes, cuddling and holding hands does it for me. Sometimes not. ;)

The "typical" poly scenario I keep hearing about involves a long-term couple that opens up. There's always a base couple that extends outwards.

I don't have this. I came out as poly after being single for two years and meeting someone who told me about it. So, it's been a journey to discover what it means for me as an individual, not as a poly couple.

Poly in my life is turning out to be more of a capacity to develop a variety of relationships with varying intensity. What I'm wondering is how to go forth with this nature of mine without hurting others.

What does it mean for the those I love and those that love me? I don't want to hurt anyone by loving them differently than someone else or worse, differently than how they love me.

A year ago, after leaving the man I was living with, I chose to take a year off from getting into anything serious with anyone in order to really be with myself and reevaluate everything. I'm just coming up on a year. So, this new page is opening up. There are so many unknowns.

I need to work very hard to move past the fear that sharing an intense, spiritual, physical connection with one person and then sharing an intense connection with someone else is not going to hurt either of them.

How do you come to feel a sense of security that it's ok to forget about your partner for a night so you can have fun on a date? And that it's ok to share the intimate, secret things you've shared with your partner with another person?

I still need to figure out, if I crush so easily, how to decide who to pursue something more with and who to just flirt with and enjoy the crush. How do you know??

GroundedSpirit 03-04-2010 03:10 PM


Originally Posted by rolypoly (Post 23428)
Poly in my life is turning out to be more of a capacity to develop a variety of relationships with varying intensity. What I'm wondering is how to go forth with this nature of mine without hurting others.

Hi Roly,

Well, the only secret I know to avoid/minimize hurt is honesty !
That's no guarantee but I know of nothing else to offer. There's no way I'm aware of to control someone else's thinking process and emotions.
If your various paramours understand going in that you physical and emotional availability is going to be spread out then they have to assume responsibility for their own handling of that. Or walk away.

Good luck. You seem like a kind, compassionate person. You can only do what YOU can do.


rolypoly 03-06-2010 01:24 AM


Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 23444)
Well, the only secret I know to avoid/minimize hurt is honesty!

Hi GS, I tend to reflect a bit when I don't have an answer to something. At the poly meet last week, in our group there was a guy who kept coming back to honesty. And I kept snagging on what he was saying.

I don't think honesty is the only secret. If I'm completely honest and say something like, "I'm not in love with you anymore" or whatever the case may be, that person is going to feel hurt. Now, yes, it's not my job to control their process and emotions, but they're still going to be hurt.

I don't know that there is a way to avoid hurt. Living and loving hurt.

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:31 AM.