thoughts on being alone and restlessness
I've always loved being alone. Spending time with myself, everything from lounging on the sofa for a whole day to going out to bars, dinner and movies by myself, and travelling on my own.
Its never been an issue in my marriage - my husband is also a very independent person and we have always had our own friends and our own alone-time besides the social life we have together and the time we spend as a couple.
Since we opened up our marriage I've noticed that I find it more difficult to be at peace with myself, on my own. This is all the more frustrating now that my life has become so much more complicated and intense, with my husband having a girlfriend which occasionally causes anxiety and jealousy, and myself having 2 lovers.
I spend a LOT of time, when I should be 'recovering' from being social, or with my lovers, or working, worrying about my love life. Not even real worries like 'does he still want me' (although there's that, sometimes, too) but more logistical and practical worries about where and when do I meet them again, when is my husband meeting his lover and where, does this mean I have the house to myself or does it mean I'm spending the evening elsewhere to give them some space.
I really miss the peaceful quietness that I used to experience on my own. I can't seem to stop the thoughts about everything that's going on in my life. It doesn't help that I do get insecure when there is no follow-up date planned with my lovers or when things are left 'to be decided' for too long.
I feel like I need to work on the relationship with myself with as much effort and motivation as I put into the relationships with my husband and my lovers. I seem to come last, these days, because of all this new energy, and I suppose all the attention and new things that are happening are kind of addictive..
Does anyone recognize this? How do I calm myself down and get back to being happy with just myself, the way I used to be?
Time. It never really went away for me. I had to train myself not to take stuff on. Even now I worry about how everyone is when I spend time alone. Actually, I never spent time alone UNTIL I had many partners. I am finally fulfilled :D maybe this isn't a good fit for you? Maybe you need a long holiday or less time with them. More autonomy, more independence?
Take a look at my thread sometime. You'll see you're not alone.
Before I met my wife I was a loner. I played video games and was a recluse the entire time I wasn't working. Now I'm a socialite and it's so freaking hard to just sit back and relax. I wish you luck. You just need to find ways to get your mind off of it all.
Since I posted I made a huge decision.
There's this project I've been working on for almost 6 years. A blog that does not technically make me any money, but it has led to paying jobs, being known in certain circles, and a lot of connections with other people who work in the same field.
Lately I felt that my heart wasn't really in it anymore.
I started posting less and less, so while it did not actually take up a lot of my time, it did take up a lot of mind space because I was always feeling guilty about not working on it, not posting, letting readers down, not meeting expectations.
So I decided to quit.
It's not official yet, I'm working on a big 'goodbye' post. But already I feel such a relief from eliminating this stress factor from my life. I was hanging on to it because I felt defined by it. The more I thought about how my life has changed in the past 3 years, the more I realized that these changes are SO HUGE, that its impossible that they don't have any effect on my decisions about how I live my life and organize my work and social life.
Opening up my marriage has changed the way I look at human relationships (love as well as friendships) forever. I feel that THIS is the subject I should be dealing with. Instead of thinking about how I should spend less time thinking about polyamory and more about other things, I think the solution is to understand that this is the subject that is most important to me now.
Its what I want to write about.
So this is what I'm going to do.
PS. A funny aside - I now can tell when my brain is feeling "overloaded" because I start having very long involved dreams where I am late getting somewhere and can't seem to get dressed - pants are the wrong size, shirt is stained, can't find a matching pair of shoes etc...the pressure is mounting to get out the door, my pager is going off, the phone is ringing, people keep interrupting me...and I CAN'T GET DRESSED! This for me is a sure sign that I need to take something off of my plate.:D
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