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-   -   New Partner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22361)

Trevorski 03-18-2012 03:31 PM

New Partner
 
Hiya guys,

First off thanks alot for all your advice from the last time it REALLY helped!!
As for today I have a few things that bother me, I met a new woman and she is thus far really cool. She is older and from what I gather from our conversations she has only been involved with serious relationships, but is willing and wants to get involved with me. But she doesn't want to know about anyone I am with or seeing, I am very open and honest about my relationships and feel weird now like I have things to hide. Does her not wanting to hear or talk about the others that big of a deal?? Am I being a silly goose for thinking something is wrong?? My primary partner thinks it's weird and the more we talk about it the more I think she may be right. Am I wrong or should I just continue the way things are right now?? I think we have a great connection and she has such a beautiful way about her it makes me feel good to be around her so I am a little confused...

AnnabelMore 03-18-2012 03:50 PM

I couldn't handle such a rule in a serious relationship but maybe it would be okay for a more casual connection. Try doing a tag search for Don't Ask Don't Tell or DADT for other perspectives.

KyleKat 03-18-2012 04:04 PM

My view on the subject is that so long as you are aware that there are others and aware how serious the others are in the relationship you don't need to share details if you don't want to/someone isn't comfortable doing so.

It can easily cause strife if you try to give her information she doesn't want. She may think, "Why don't we do that" or "Am I not good enough?". It's easy to get caught up in that head game. So long as she is aware of how many partners you have for sexual health purposes, that should be enough. If she's not even willing to know that much, I'd say she's either wanting to pretend this is monogamous (which means that when she is ready to stop pretending you may have to choose whether or not to stop seeing her) or she thinks what you're doing isn't wrong but she's willing to overlook it for now. Who knows how long that "now" will last. For some people it has lasted lifetimes when one person is mono and the other is poly. For others it ends in sorrow.

strixish 03-19-2012 02:31 AM

My relationships are very important to me, and my people are a large part of my life. If I started seeing someone who didn't want to know anything about them, even the regular day to day stuff (not the intimate parts), that would be a big red flag for me.

On the other side of the coin, when I'm seeing someone new, I really want to know about his or her other relationships. First, if I'm into someone, I want to know everything about them. Second, as a new person, it's very important to me to be respectful of those relationships.

redpepper 03-19-2012 01:24 PM

DADT's seem to erode connections as far I have seen. I would be skeptical of anyone that doesn't want to tell me about their life and doesn't want to know about mine. I wouldn't know what to talk about personally. My whole life revolves around my loves, my child and my family pretty much. I would get bored quickly I think and wouldn't be able to trust someone that doesn't open up to me. I don't think that details of ones life are necessary, but basic information sharing is what builds relationships no?

nycindie 03-19-2012 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trevorski (Post 129211)
She is older and from what I gather from our conversations she has only been involved with serious relationships, but is willing and wants to get involved with me. But she doesn't want to know about anyone I am with or seeing, I am very open and honest about my relationships and feel weird now like I have things to hide. Does her not wanting to hear or talk about the others that big of a deal??

I know lots of people will tell you that they could not live without total openness and full disclosure all day! all the time! but this doesn't really sound like a DADT policy to me. I don't even think she's saying it has to be a rule. It just sounds like someone new to the idea of polyamory who is very interested in you and aware of her personal comfort zones. It could simply mean that she's okay with your other involvements but knows it will make her feel weird to hear about them. I bet, if things do become sexual between you, she also would want some privacy surrounding any intimate times she has with you, and wouldn't want you blabbing about the sex you have with her to anyone. What's the harm in that, really? Some people are just more private than others.

If you've been poly for a while, you probably take all the sharing and meeting metamours and full disclosure and calendar wrangling for granted. That is probably foreign territory to her. That doesn't mean it can't change if things continue nicely between the two of you and she gets more comfortable with the basic concepts of poly.

I say, take a chance! It could turn out to be a very satisfying relationship for you both. Apart from talking about safe sex and making sure she understands the solidity of your commitments to other people, give her the benefit of the doubt and respect her wishes not to want details. There's more to the lives we lead than whom we fuck. Just because people are poly doesn't mean they have to be talking about all the other people in their lives whenever they're out with someone.


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