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-   -   Newbie - dealing with envy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22348)

JustBtwUs 03-18-2012 03:59 AM

Newbie - dealing with envy
 
Hi all,

I'm so glad to have found a place to talk about this... It's not a subject I can bring up with a co-worker or anyone else I know.

My wife and I (of 20 years) have just "opened" our monogamous marriage. Some background: my wife bores EASILY. She won't do anything twice - ever! Let me tell you, I'm sure monogamy has been a BITCH for her.

We've each just had our first encounter and at first I thought I was jealous. After some introspection, I decided it was envy. I'm envious that the other guy is getting "the good stuff".

By "good stuff", I mean for 20 years my wife has barely tolerated sex with me. Oh, it was good for the first couple months we were together, but then she got bored. She became a "one-n-done" kind of girl, "doing her duty" (her words), barely getting involved in the sex act, just laying there, etc. With the new guy, it was 3 times, many hours, doing all the stuff I WISH my wife and I did :-(. With me it's "get on-get in-get off-get out, you've got 5 minutes" - I'm not exaggerating - that's a direct quote.

No matter what we do, we cannot, by definition, recreate the newness of our 20 year relationship; I can't erase her boredom. I think I'd feel a lot better if she tried to show the same level of energy for our relationship as she's doing for her new partner (or conversely, treated her new lover like she treats me with the 5 minutes, one-n-done approach). Is this a common thing and I should just get used to it?

Don't get me wrong - we love each other dearly and I'd bet my life on the fact she'll come home to me. It's NOT jealousy. I know she wants a new touch and the tinglies you get in your stomach when you're with a new lover. I get that. I put 110% into it every time I'm with her and I feel like I get 5% back. I'm envious she's saving that 110% effort for someone else... :-(

Any thoughts on how to get past this?

Thanks,

JustBtwUs

AnnabelMore 03-18-2012 04:09 AM

Yikes, that's rough. Maybe some kind of couple's sex counseling? At the very least she needs to work with you to TRY to enliven things... even if it may be a lost cause she clearly has a libido and it's not fair for her to just accept that this is all she can give you forever without even trying to make it better, which Is what it sounds like you're describing.

I wish I had better advice. Lacking that, have this funny comic on the topic of spicing things up over the course of a marriage: http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php...&id=2545#comic

dingedheart 03-18-2012 05:35 AM

How did your first encounter go?

Why not go get your own good stuff ....elsewhere. Why beat a dead horse. Why waste time and energy trying to change her....Go find/build the sex life that makes you happy ....somebody you can connect with sexually that doesn't bore easily and is is an active loving participate ...not someone barely tolerating it. This is a great opportunity for you...go for it.

NovemberRain 03-18-2012 06:27 AM

The first thing that struck me when I read this is, why do you know that? blech, so rude of her to tell you about it that deeply.

My second thought was emotion, I feel sad. It makes me sad that there are people in the world who want/seek/tolerate/live with things like 'you've got five minutes.'

My other thought was that she may not be giving it 110%. Perhaps it's not 'effort' when it's new, it's just NRE and NRE really doesn't need a whole lot of effort, it just sweeps you away.

I'm with Dinged, find yourself a warm lady who will do all that for you.

Alleycat 03-18-2012 07:13 AM

Owch.

Just . . . Owch.
Thats actually a reasonable situation for envy.

I know NRE is a powerful force in the bedroom and the start of a new relationship get alot of the off the wall crazy fun things to pop out in the bedroom, but still most people develop a preference for at least some of those things with the primary/spouse/whatever just due to practise-and-perfection.

That kind of sexual ADD on the other hand is something I've never run across.

Ever. :S


I'll agree with dingedheart, and novemberRain. Get out there and find someone a little less . . . I dont know what to even term that . . . Damn.

Find someone who will meet you a little closer than 110% : 5%. I have a hunch that might start bringing the ratio with the wife a little closer to the middle as well.

JustBtwUs 03-20-2012 07:53 PM

Thanks!
 
Thanks, everyone. I know my situation is a little out of the norm, but with the help you've provided I think I can get through this.

@AnnabelMore - I'm hoping, as @Alleycat mentioned, that some of the changes will be seen at home. She's trying to lose weight, buying some lingerie, etc. I do get some benefit from that.


@dingedheart - First encounter was good, but I wish I hadn't had so many Martinis beforehand to calm my nerves. I'm trying to meet people, but I'm not Adonis (I'm bald), and a lot of dating happens in the first 5 seconds when you see the person...


@NovemberRain - Well, I know those details b/c I asked. Do most people do this with a strict "don't ask, don't tell" policy?


@Alleycat - Thanks for the pointer to "NRE" - I hadn't heard of that before, and it makes total sense. I think the word you were searching for was "selfish".

Thanks for everyone's help. Sex is the only subject my wife have ever fought over...

JustBtwUs

NovemberRain 03-29-2012 06:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustBtwUs (Post 129614)
@NovemberRain - Well, I know those details b/c I asked. Do most people do this with a strict "don't ask, don't tell" policy?

It's not about strict DADT, it's about privacy. When I broke up with First bf, and before I had started dating Current bf, CBF asked me about FBF's penis. I ignored him (we were chatting on the internet). I wanted him to know I would also protect his privacy, should we ever go there (which we ended up doing).

Especially given that she's not into you that way, I find it rude for her to be telling you all that she's into with him.

Just because you asked doesn't mean she had to tell you all those details. Many of us would have said, 'I had a good time, and I'm not going into details.' or whatever.

nycindie 03-29-2012 07:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustBtwUs (Post 129614)
I'm trying to meet people, but I'm not Adonis (I'm bald), and a lot of dating happens in the first 5 seconds when you see the person...

Mmm, I love baldies! I know quite a few other women who do, too. My heart was broken last year by someone bald and potbellied (I once described him to my sister as a "tear-shaped man"). So, don't feel like being bald or unconventional-looking is a deterrent. Not at all!

ssmoore 03-29-2012 01:43 PM

I second that, Bold is beautiful! no joke. I can think of a lot of men that are very very attractive that have no hair. Sounds like you need to talk to your self in a more positive way.

LusciousLemon 03-29-2012 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 130692)
Mmm, I love baldies! I know quite a few other women who do, too. My heart was broken last year by someone bald and potbellied (I once described him to my sister as a "tear-shaped man"). So, don't feel like being bald or unconventional-looking is a deterrent. Not at all!

Mr Clean is Bald and has been idolized and drooled over by housewives for YEARS! ;)


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