Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Old and new, baby steps. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22311)

bastet 03-16-2012 02:18 PM

Old and new, baby steps.
 
Hello.

I'm a poly-bi-sexual woman experiencing a rebirth of my poly-self. I have been in a 15+ year monogamous relationship with my current partner (who is also Dad to our amazing son.)

Most of life before this current relationship was rife with conflict due to the fact that I could never "commit" to a monogamous relationship for very long. I always felt that sex, love and friendship shouldn't be mutually exclusive. None of the previous partners in life could grasp that my love for them didn't diminish or change based on love of (or lust for) someone else.

A little over two years ago my current partner and I began to explore what it might mean for our relationship to be more open. It's been a roller coaster. There have been a lot of highs, some deep lows and out of it all a LOT of communication. Communication on a level we were lacking previously. For this I am grateful. It is a joyful thing to have someone who accepts me and is willing to explore his own emotional feelings in regard to Polyamory separate from mine. I have come back to a better understanding of my own sexuality and ways of loving. I'm comfortable with this. My partner, not so comfortable. Accepting, loving, & willing to explore but not exactly comfortable.

Ok, I'm more comfortable, it would be a lie to say I'm 100% comfy all the time. At this moment, I'd have to say I'm in a baby steps place. What started as an "experiment" has developed into a fuller understanding of myself. I have doubts though, based on how it effects this person I love so much. I cannot change the way I love and this could potentially destroy a world I am very comfortable in. Yet, denying an essential part of myself would put us back to the miserable state we were in two years ago.

So yeah, baby steps with a poly curious but kinda skeptical partner. It's already been a long strange trip. I'm expecting lots of learning, growing and loving to come.

So hi, thanks for listening.

dingedheart 03-17-2012 12:54 AM

Is your partner a member here yet? Is there plans for that?

How many partners do you have currently?

ThatGirlInGray 03-17-2012 01:37 AM

And as I'm sure DH meant to say, hello and welcome!

It's always interesting to me to compare my hubby's attitude with other, "Not poly but accepting/curious" folks. :-) One can't always be comfortable, but hopefully a time of being uncomfortable can lead to positive places!

nihonjindesu 03-17-2012 03:18 AM

So, you and I are probably not in the exact same place, but I had to comment to say I identify with being the more "comfortable" one in the relationship.. I'm "sure" but my boyfriend seems more hesitant, more like poly-curious. It's nice to know there's others out there in at least similar situations, we've only recently "opened" the relationship so I'm also very much in baby-steps mode. It's hard to even know where to start.

dingedheart 03-17-2012 03:29 PM

YES ...absolutely. Hello and welcome

Thanks Thatgirl ....for having my back on this one....nice pick up :)

After reading the OP I got preoccupied in the thought it was the other half of someone who had recently posted:o

bastet 03-18-2012 09:16 PM

answers :)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 129054)
Is your partner a member here yet? Is there plans for that?

How many partners do you have currently?

Q1. Not sure if my partner is here. It's something I would wholeheartedly encourage but the question hasn't come up. Sometimes we research independently. My guess... not yet. He's less of an online person than I.

Q2. I have only one primary partner currently. In the past couple of years we have had two girlfriends. The first we were both very involved with both emotionally & sexually. A series of unfortunate events from which we all could have been better humans ensued. We broke up.

Our second girlfriend was more involved with hubby. It was ok but didn't last for a few reasons: he felt uncomfortable dating her w/out me. She wasn't really that into girls so the time spent with the two of them, for me, took on a 'fluffer' role. lol... yep. sigh.

anyway. So we are in the present, finding ourselves bored with sexparties & the lack of emotional connection but unsure what that means. He isn't comfortable with me having lovers without him around, yet (big emphasis on last word). He is open to the idea, open to talking about what his fears are, what it looks like and how he thinks it might make him feel. I am softly encouraging him to ask a woman out that he has had a crush on for awhile now. She's beautiful, smart & gentle. I am excited to see if it works out. I'm looking at going to a coffee meetup group in NYC a sweet guy told me about last night. I'm also struggling with feelings for a man I met earlier this year. That story is better explained in another section of the forums though.


Apologies, that was long winded.

bastet 03-18-2012 09:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 129092)
YES ...absolutely. Hello and welcome

Thanks Thatgirl ....for having my back on this one....nice pick up :)

After reading the OP I got preoccupied in the thought it was the other half of someone who had recently posted:o

It could be. We have a lot of respect for one another's privacy and wouldnt nessarily think it strange to both have accts here without knowing about the others. I did tell him yesterday that I signed up here but it was in the midst of discussing the body of research I'm doing about polyamory. I'm kinda a geek, like to read a lot, study etc then leap. Doesn't mean it makes the experiences any more predictable. Perhaps even less so. :)

bastet 03-18-2012 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nihonjindesu (Post 129070)
So, you and I are probably not in the exact same place, but I had to comment to say I identify with being the more "comfortable" one in the relationship.. I'm "sure" but my boyfriend seems more hesitant, more like poly-curious. It's nice to know there's others out there in at least similar situations, we've only recently "opened" the relationship so I'm also very much in baby-steps mode. It's hard to even know where to start.

Nice to meet you :)

Agreed its difficult to figure out where the starting point is. We have been attending sex parties for a few years but find that while super fun they don't fulfill a more fundamental desire we have. Friendships, connections & possibly emotional feeling along with all that great sex. We have decided to take a break from the 'party' circuit for awhile and focus on steps toward opening up ourselves to the possibility of more love in our partnership. We arent sure what that means yet. He is hesitant, I'm, as usual, somewhat of a learn abt it then go for it person. The what ifs don't bother me so much. They aren't an issue until they become oh shit what nows! Y'know?

So yeah baby steps. Hopefully to a solid warm fuzzy place. *fingers crossed*


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:57 AM.