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-   -   Anti-Tier Relationship Problems with Mono (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22290)

Kemie 03-15-2012 08:51 PM

Anti-Tier Relationship Problems with Mono
So, my mono-boyfriend, Legs, did a wee bit of internet stalking and came upon my intro message here and it upset him. He asked me if I love my poly boyfriend, Wolf, more than him. I said "I don't know. It's different. I love steak and pie..." Does anyone have a better answer to this question?

He disliked being called my secondary relationship. That's fair; he's not really a secondary relationship. But time with him does defer to time with Wolf because my time with Wolf is on a much stronger constraint (I can only see him Saturday nights to Sunday afternoons and we live in different cities.) So you could say I put Wolf first. Legs and I basically live together, although we swap back and forth between my place and his and he rarely sees me on weekends.

He'll probably find this and read it. I considered changing my screenname, but he'll likely hunt it up anyway. This is, as far as I know, unusual behavior from Legs stemming from insecurity in the relationship. It's odd for him to breach my privacy like this. I'll likely be moving out of the city for a new job in the next few months and he's very worried about this.

So my question is: how do I pre-empt this kind of behavior? I feel as if I'm repeating myself every time he gets frusturated and upset. Looking for some help here.

Edit: So Legs just came to me and said he's actually been in love with another girl for the last few months (perhaps mono is not as mono as he thinks.) I'm sad he didn't tell me, although he was pretty obvious about his affections for her. She is now in a new LDR. Monogamous. I have to say... this adds a whole new ballpark.

Anneintherain 03-15-2012 09:48 PM

I don't have a lot of advice, but if you don't feel in your heart that your relationship with S is secondary, you don't call it that just because your relationship with A gets scheduled first just because there is limited time to see them.

I don't consider that putting A first at ALL, it is ensuring you get to see somebody you care about on a consistent basis, during the only time you can see them. Since you are the one who phrased it and feels you are "putting A first" I would wonder if you say that because you WOULD put him first if given a choice, or because you feel guilty about scheduling that time so you can see A regularly?

edit: If he is going to be watching what you say on the forum, why don't you encourage him to join and post himself? The sticky on books and websites also has some great links for mono-poly relationships, if he hasn't been reading on the subject already.

Kemie 03-15-2012 10:03 PM

Thanks, Anne; I see what you mean. Both relationships are certainly "primary." I always feel a little guilty about scheduling time away from either A or S... I know I shouldn't but I still do.

Perhaps I will suggest that S join the forum and check out the mono-poly sections. He did mention an interest. I'm expecting a rather elaborate discussion this evening about the whole thing.

dingedheart 03-16-2012 02:42 PM

Sounds like you summarized how you feel and think and now that someone read the truth you want to back peddle to not hurt someones feeling. If things are built around someones schedule I'd agree that doesn't seem equal ... or co- primary like. Hey nothing wrong with that either.

"How do you preempt the behavior".....Does he have children .....The loving one child over another analogy sometimes works unless they got siblings where their parents had a favorite. With the food one I wanted to know which food I was ....what food the other guy was. In your example which one is he Steak or pie or rather who is steak and who is pie. I'd want to know.

Anneintherain 03-16-2012 04:50 PM

I totally disagree with DH that you can't have co-primaries or be equal if things are being scheduled around one partner's schedule. If one partner works and the other doesn't, most people would schedule with the one who worked first to make sure they saw them. If one relationship is LDR and they only come in for one week a month, many people will arrange their schedule to be able to spend as much of the week as possible with the partner they only see once a month. If my boyfriend suddenly was only available to see me on Tuesdays because of schedules with his wife and girlfriend, I'd let my husband know that I was going to schedule each Tuesday with him, because my husband is flexible to see me almost any day of the week right now, as the OP's Legs is. I'd do my schedule like that in general to see a person who was important to me, and that has nothing to do with having a primary relationship with them or not.

I would however ponder carefully what he DID say about if you said what you meant and are now trying to keep from hurting feelings. I hope the conversation last night went well.

dingedheart 03-16-2012 06:34 PM

I didn't say you " can't" have that. Sure, you can build a hypothetical in which it can work. I was thinking of her opening statement and I was thinking all things being equal (time wise) ..... Friday nights and all day Saturdays, Saturday nights they have to be weighted differently then Tuesdays from 6 to 9:30pm and not just because hrs put in but the other possible factors .....ie, everyone has to work the next day, the variety activities available on weekend days and nights.

So spending time together three nights in a row with my wife ...tue, wed, thur, having dinner, watching DVd's, going for walks ...might not be the same as having romantic dinner and night on the sailboat and all day sailing trip the following day. I just don't think its as simple as adding up hours...or flexibility of someone's time.

What about holidays, weddings, funerals, family events? Is that day of the week driven. He gets to go to most weddings because they just happen to fall on Saturday. Can't ever remember going to a wedding on a Tuesday night. Although I gladly go ...just to save my weekends.

Anneintherain 03-16-2012 06:45 PM


Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 128992)
If things are built around someones schedule I'd agree that doesn't seem equal ... or co- primary like.

Well, you didn't say it could be equal DH, you just agreed (although I don't feel Kemie said the time split wasn't fair or equal, so you weren't really agreeing with anybody ;) ) that it wasn't equal OR co-primary like. I wouldn't take issue if you said you wouldn't feel equal in this situation, but that's not what you said. I also don't think it's "building a hypothetical" As there are many people actually doing every sort of time split imaginable successfully.

I also don't agree that Friday Saturdays or Sundays HAVE to be weighted differently. That is some people's preference, but you should remember each person has different opinions, on it, and they don't all match your desires for a relationship. As Kemie isn't spending the entire weekend with her other parther, just Saturday nights and Sunday days, it really doesn't seem like the issue is one of them gets all the fun time and the other gets stuck the boring mundane stuff of everyday life. She said she felt guilty about scheduling time apart from either of them, not that either of them have a problem with the current schedule (not that one of them might not, but I don't really like going on the assumption that it IS an issue just because something wouldn't work for me)

Kemie I JUST saw your edit to your OP about Legs having feelings for somebody else, it is too bad she is monogamous but at least it does lead to a lot more conversations for future options for both of you.

dingedheart 03-16-2012 07:04 PM


So you know the the employment and work schedules of all the player in this?

You said 'if one partner works and the other doesn't " ....isn't that a hypothetical.

So you think it's as simple as raw time?

What about events such as weddings, etc..???

Anneintherain 03-16-2012 07:05 PM

No DH, I am going on that they already have a non hypothetical schedule that has been ongoing, and she did not say that either of her partners were having a problem with the schedule that they have currently.

dingedheart 03-16-2012 07:26 PM


No what? you don't know the employment or work schedules. or no it's not a hypothetical.

Again ...you took issue with my phrase building a hypothetical...which I used because you inserted a set of facts (if one partners works and the other doesn't) which I missed in the op.

What about the other 2 questions?

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