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-   -   Advice Needed (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22239)

purpleturban 03-13-2012 06:24 AM

Advice Needed
 
Hey everyone,

I recently found myself in the middle of an open relationship. Before this, I had never actually dated anyone seriously before. The guy, Tim, is the older brother of one of my best friends (and now roommate). The relationship is one of long distance. He lives about five hours away with his girlfriend. But, when I met him, something just connected. At first, I don't think either of us were planning to date or fall in love or have a serious relationship. But since the beginning of February, he has come to visit me three times for about a week at a time. On this last trip (he left Tuesday for his home), it was established that we were in a relationship.

Tim knew that I was apprehensive about meeting his live-in girlfriend. But, he kept pushing for us to meet. At first, he thought that I would eventually admit to being bi-sexual. But on the last trip here, he realized that I wasn't. This threw a kink in his plan because he knew that his girlfriend was kind of jealous of me, but he thought that we would soon be a happy threesome.

I found out from my roommate/ Tim's mother that Tim's girlfriend had been calling her non-stop while he was here. Every time he is here, she ruins it and has to call every hour and decides there are emergencies. I have never complained, because I didn't feel like I had the right to. She was there first and I couldn't ask him to ignore her. To Tim's face, Lisa (the girlfriend) kept telling him that she was happy with the situation and that she wanted to meet me and be my best friend. Behind his back, Lisa complained to Tim's mom and said there was no way she would allow him to date both of us and there was no way she was going to let him visit me and all this stuff.

After trying to find a way to come visit him (with my roommate for emotional support), I found out that there was more that Lisa said that I had not been told in order to spare my feelings. She told Tim's mom that "if that girl comes down here, I'm going to stab her in the cooch." I was really hurt by this because I am not used to such aggressive behavior and violent language. When I talked to Tim about it, he got mad at his mother for telling me what was said. He already heard from Lisa what was said and she had told him she was joking and didn't mean it. He is now pissed and not talking to his mother because Tim and Lisa claim that his mom riled her up to the point where she said something that she didn't mean. But then, they also claim she was joking. I see this as two separate excuses that are not compatible. I told him that I was breaking up with him. I didn't know what else to do. I felt like he completely took Lisa's side and defended her, while forgetting all about my feelings. Am I wrong for feeling that he should have tried to comfort me and insure that he would never let anyone hurt me?

Then, I told him that I would pay for a train ticket for him to come see me so that we could work it out. But, he made the excuse that he was looking for a job and new house and couldn't leave right now. The only problem I have with that is that I know he is not going on job searches because I was talking to him daily.

All I wanted was some proof that he considered me important and cared for me. I feel he is all words and no action. But, I also don't know what to do about his girlfriend. If he ended up saying/ doing the right thing and we started dating again, what should I do about his two-faced girlfriend? Should I refuse to be in a relationship based on what I think she feels about it in reality versus how she is telling Tim she feels about it?

nycindie 03-13-2012 08:38 AM

I don't know why the hell you want to be a part of all that drama. This all sounds like high school. I don't see any worthwhile reason to keep seeing this guy. His gf and mother are not the only problems, he comes off as a big one, too. I'm sure you can meet compatible guys closer to home who know how to have some level of maturity in their relationships. DTMFA.

KyleKat 03-13-2012 12:40 PM

It sounds like you already know what to do.

ThatGirlInGray 03-13-2012 04:55 PM

1) His girlfriend was not honest with him about how she felt about the situation.
2) He was not honest with you when he found out what she said.

Honesty in a relationship is always important, but especially in a long-distance relationship, honesty and trust are sometimes all you have, since you can't have the in-person time together.

The other stuff, admitting to himself you weren't bi, seeming to take her side and not support you like you feel he should have, saying he can't come visit because of job searching, could be related, but the core is: why would you want a relationship with someone you have good reason not to trust?

You wanted proof that you were valued. Unfortunately, you got it, just not the way you were hoping. You broke up with him, offered to try to work it out, and he declined. You don't need to to anything about him OR his girlfriend except learn from the situation and put your energy into maintaining a good relationship with your roommate, who probably feels quite caught in the middle.

Lemondrop 03-13-2012 10:19 PM

Can I also point out, at no point have you heard anything straight from the girlfriend's mouth? It's all rumor at this point. For all you know, someone told her that *you* threatened to stab *her*. Ever play telephone? If you really want a relationship with this guy, you can't let the rumor mill do your communicating for you.

That said, this doesn't sound healthy at all. Run. Run far, far away. Find someone to be with who doesn't play telephone, is honest, and who has a clear idea of what he wants. Your time is too valuable to waste it with juvenile drama.


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