I was introduced to this forum by my GF(recently anounced so) as one of her resources to explain what it is she is asking me consider, roughly 6 months ago now.
I'm found by one of my most special friend and old love. You know the story. Messages leads to talk. Talk leads to dessires. Leads to actions. She is still in house with her family. At the time things were wrong at home. And under the impression that things were over. We start building a deeply intimate relation. She is next state 3 hours away so I can't just walk over and see her when I like X( but given the circumstances this was for the best ATM. The distance still eats me up. We plan our first meet up a months time from our intimate talk start. She put out that she still loves the father of her daughter but being that I was just out of a unhealthy marriage with a angry wife but the best mother I could ever ask for for my daughter, I thought I understood her reasoning for the love. Nope I hadn't a clue.
At our first meet a month after spending almost literally every spare second off the clock talking to each other and on the clock messaging one another. We see each other in person for the first time in almost 13 years. Wow. This amazing caring person is right there before me( lol sorry for mushiness ). We talk. Walk. Get some grub. And that's when she tells me she is confused as to what she truely wants. And that this that we were doing was not settling well with her. I could tell she was under stress but had no idea what about. she asks that we not spend the night together. I'm a weird person, when an emotional bond is broke I don't have sexual urges, but I am first and foremost her friend so I try to help her work out what it is that's troubling her. We head our respective directions home.
After A few days of worrying and trying to figure out what she needs to be right Again. She introduces me to this forum and wikepedia(sp?). And that she is going to tell her fiancée about me and her wish to have the both of us intimately in her life. I was not terribly sure I was ok with the thought of it. So I begged her to never tell him of me and work on repairing what has with him. Stubborn is the only word that explains her ways. She was attoning for her actions against him and introducing me to her family at the same time. Oh if only we knew then what we know now.
Needless to say my first conversation with him was not a conversation lol but a drunken school trash talking minute(let me explain myself a little more- I quit sharing my feelings and thoughts with just about everyone, one becouse my wife quit listening and it felt better to hold it in than be ignored and second cause I felt all I did was complain when I had my few Precious moments around my brothers. But since I moved out of my marriage I put and end to such behavior. And promised I would never debase myself so low ever again). Back to the first talk with him, he asked I answered. Did I touch her? Yes. Would I have gone farther? Yes. I am so sorry he met me in this point of my life. I would have loved to sugar coat it for him to spare his feelings.
I told her to let me be the bad guy And he can hate me and forgive her. But, stubborn and walks the narrow path of righteousness ; ) somewhat. Granted I don't steal gfs, or wives. Im very sensitive to cheating. In my eyes its not what we were doing. But not to him and I guess her. Never really had her clarify if she felt it was.
Phone convo 1. Not good. Phone convo 2. not any better. Now she is fully explaining to him her dessires as us. I'm still not sure I can handle this at all. But she has stolen my heart fully and I have to know if this is possible, so I agree to start this trip to where ever it takes us.
Ill remember this next phone Call from him till the day I die I'm sure. The first sign of love in his voice, confused but knowing he needs her in his life and is willing to meet me in person and work on her and I getting dates. Seems like an eternity ago. He is giving me the third degree on her safety of her heart and a few threats ; ) and here i am with one of the largest smiles on my face the whole time because my bubbys dream is starting to maybe be a realization.
Lol that's first chapter
Promise ill work on sentence breaks next time
Just so you can blend the stories, this is my amazing boyfriend : )
As for the OP, It's really good to hear from you.
And I found my reaction a little odd... When I was first reading it, my thought was "it would be good if they could get their marriage on track before she looks outside it" but then when I learned who "she" was and who "you" were, and therefore what I've read about the husband, my attitude completely changed. Not that going outside the marriage will help the marriage, actually could strain it more, but I really think she needs someone sane and honest and supportive in her life, and it really sounds like that's what you are.
Nice to "meet" you, welcome to the forum, hope you both stick around and let us know how it keeps going!
First - I tried reading this...oh 8 times today...it was painful...thanks for fixing it :)
Second - thanks for sharing, sometimes writing out what is happening will help. I will speak to a specific I can relate to
2nd chapter of a thirds
a little info on my GF. she is a google addict. not slightly, no she is a major hooked googler.
and this brings us to the next few months of our lives building together. Bubby(aka GF) and I start divulging in all the literature we can get our hands on. using the forums and websites for information on the poly topic at hand. and wow are there a lot of coined words that have been attached to poly. my favorite by far and key to not losing my mind, compersion.
during this time in my life, something i would have never considered is coming about. a woman i love and is most precious to me, whom i wish to share my everything with (nothing held back) is also in love with and intimate with another. such a swirl of emotions followed. using her as my base, for i love everything about her. and everything includes everyone. i found a peace and appreciation for the relationship she is sharing with fiancee. i wish it truely only took as long to get to that point as it does for you to read this. but i still like a little vagueness around details, and bubby has been absolutely brilliant at keeping my feelings in mind when discussing themselves with me.
while im having my studies on relations 101+1, bubby and fiancee have tons more on their plate than I. for starters we all know that what is trying to be achieved is not going to happen if the primary is not at minimum 100%. after much talking we agreed though we love each other, we need to step back into a friend only status. both for ourselves, since just being lovey over the phone generated an extreme need for one another that was not about to be met anytime soon. and at the request of and for fiancee, so he could come to his own acceptance of what we need of each other.
for reasons completely understandable the relationship between fiancee and I was very strained and almost non-existant. of course i let it be known that if fiancee ever wanted/needed to talk that im here and my phone is always on. the focus there was on the two of them. i played the role as friend for bubby to talk to and bounce her feelings and thoughts of off. anything i could do to help them achieve what they needed was my focus. which taught me that i still need to focus on myself or i loose a little sanity after hours alone =P. and when such cases happened both fiancee and bubby were there to help me stand again.
this period was the most personally enabling period of my life. it also helped me accept my personal feelings as a failure in my previous marriage. poly seemed such a completely different way of life in my eyes at first glance. the general love of one another was easy enough to grasp, but i felt the dynamics of such a relationship would be more related to rocket science. instead, surprised i am to read that this is something i not only can understand and easily enough apply but that its not much different from any mono relationship id ever been in.
coming to terms with the fact that her and I will not happen immediately had a bitter sweet feel to it. the good first, it is giving us a chance to more completely take each others all in and not move quikly letting emotions fully control us. to make sure we know what we want, need and expect of each other. bitter, because i have to wait =(. lol to clarify, sex last on list, no hand holding or kisses yet or intimate huggies, but i could stare into her eyes as hard as i liked (little piece of heaven).
the waiting and keeping myself in check is something very alien to me. in regards to a relationship. its one thing when there is no emotional bond, and shes just not that into you. but to know that my feelings are mirrored in every way and still contain myself gave me irrational feelings of an outside control, absolute helplessness and unless constant attention was paid to, a quik draining self esteem. i understood that under better circumstances things would have moved more fluidly and at a pace that could actually be noticed. but my psyche was not hearing any of it at times.
at one point i did call it off completely. this is actually refered to as THE TUESDAY lol. the time frame is fuzy, its some where around 3 months in. i have seen bubby once for 2 or 3 hours since our first secret meet up and with what felt like no light at the end of the tunnel. my thoughts raced to extremes. from thinking i should make demands, try and create situations to i should sever all ties, go hide in the mountains (i love the mountains).
during all this bubby and fiancee are having a hard time re-establishing what it is they have lost. and thru a comment from me about fiancee and a reaction i didnt expect out of bubby, i quit voicing hearts feelings(fully denying them when im talking to bubby). days slyde by and my feelings arnt being addressed to their full needs. so i decided that this (i felt the relationship was to blame, not a lack of communication) was very unhealthy for me. and creating unhealthy thoughts of these two wonderfull people, whom i hope to keep a friendship with if this is not for any of us.
and so i did the hardest thing i had to and in the weakest way i could. not even a phone call, i message that this is not working and that i am not continuing the poly side of this relationship anymore. and to please not call me in the morning( cause i melt when i hear her voice).
=P good spot for a break
SchrodingersCat "Nice to "meet" you, welcome to the forum, hope you both stick around and let us know how it keeps going! "
its a pleasure and thanks and this place has become a comfortable place for a greater understanding with (though you know me not, uber lurker) people i have grown to know and understand about where their hearts come from. so i might lurk but ill stick around im sure =)
Ariakas "First - I tried reading this...oh 8 times today...it was painful...thanks for fixing it
Second - thanks for sharing""it been the most brutal fight of my life and I have...faith that it will end up being positive in the end."
lol your welcome on both acounts. and i hold that faith as well =)
SchrodingersCat "And I found my reaction a little odd... When I was first reading it, my thought was "it would be good if they could get their marriage on track before she looks outside it" but then when I learned who "she" was and who "you" were, and therefore what I've read about the husband, my attitude completely changed. Not that going outside the marriage will help the marriage, actually could strain it more, but I really think she needs someone sane and honest and supportive in her life, and it really sounds like that's what you are.
Yes, it has a definite feel of backwards way of going about it X). And in the beggining I had a feeling of imposing in on something that is none of my business. I can only hope that I did help and not impede progress between them selves.
The hardest part was to not be judgmental to one side or the other and still be compassionate to the indavidual needs either person required.
Sorry took so long to reply to your comment on us X)
Ariakas "In my world. I have a difficult time sharing my true emotions, past that I have a REALLY hard time sharing my true fears and weaknesses. I can relate to what you describe, although we likely have different things to share, because in so many ways I don't know if sharing has broken or created stronger bonds.
Its a hard choice to decide when absolute honesty or a tastefull selection of words are needed from me. Personally I have a craving to be surrounded by those who only speak blatantly, even if it hurts to hear I've come to respect and value their opinion more than those who can't.
I'm a very sympathetic person. And I empathize more than I care to admit. And so my own opinions of others tend to hurt my feelings as well lol. Talking to another about myself, has always been easy if I want that person in my life. Its a this is me, who I am and if you can accept that then it was meant to be(even if I'm dying to hear a positive response).
Honesty up front has always left the feeling of completion and left little or no doubt as to wether I didn't do something right.
Ariakas, I hope you find the way that agrees with your hearts dessire the most X)
I have to say I am impressed by your interest and your initiative. I have never been a "3rd" but I was dating one for a few months. Once it got to serious she backed away. She doesn't and won't consider a relationship as my wife and I would love to have with her. Obviously thats her choice, and I can't fault her.
Reading this, while it hasn't worked out to this point, I am happy to see people interested in at least understanding. While I am still not convinced I am 100% poly (I am at the stage where I think this wonderful woman was likely a 1 off piece of chance, feels almost like a cosmic tease haha) I enjoy knowledge and perspective. Poly has introduced something very important to any relationship, full disclosure communication. Even examing poly as a potential lifestyle has greatly improved my relationship, hopefully you can walk away with a life lesson you can carry into future relationships :)
When posting in a forum like this surround what your are quoting in [ quote ] and [ /quote ] (take away the spaces) it will "quote" what you are trying to reference :)
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