Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   intimate moments with lovers (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=222)

redpepper 05-08-2009 02:17 PM

intimate moments with lovers
 
I would love to know how you deal with public affection, or even not so public.... at home with my men affection. This one stumps me a little. I have kind of left it up to my men but it feels awkward. I am a very affectionate person and I tend to back away and give a lot of space when they are both around... let them come to me.... which doesn't feel natural to me. I guess slowly they are finding their own comfort with one another but does anyone have any stories to relay or tips.

Quath 05-09-2009 03:09 PM

When I was in a FMF triad, I worried about this a lot. I finally told them that I worried about how much time I spent snuggling with each of them because I worried the other would feel left out. We resolved it to an extent by just being aware of the issue. They told me to snuggle as I saw fit and they would try to do likewise. I still worried, but I don't think it was as big of an issue as I was making it.

I think the bigger problem was that I saw this in so many of the things we did. Who sits in the front seat in the car? On a rollar coaster ride, who rides with whom? Those are the things that society has pretty good rules of thumbs for monogamous couples, but nothing really for polyamorous people. The best I could do was to try to take turns and keep track. (But I think that was probably not the best long term solution.)

redpepper 05-09-2009 03:15 PM

LOL, yes, we have a struggle with those things too. Or maybe it's just I do. Right now it's planning to go camping, who will sleep in what tent and should we all just sleep in the same tent and do I have the right to have time with either alone with one or the other and ..... the questions abound... I am trying to let it go as neither of my men seem to worry, but I am, by nature big into justice and balancing my attentions... *sigh* I guess there is always something to figure out.
thanks for your response
:)

MonoVCPHG 05-12-2009 06:17 AM

"No" to same tent.."no" to private time. I am such a manly man!!
I'm bringing a lock for my tent zipper...you will not get me in trouble!! We have forever. But I love you ridiculously even for thinking about this :)

River 05-12-2009 01:06 PM

So, there's David in the picture in a way which is something different from "just friends".... I'm too experienced now to pretend that I know how all of this is going to work out, and, anyway, I just want to live one moment at a time!

[ Background: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=895 ]

Anyway, David & Kevin & I are up in the mountains hiking and picnicing ... and it wasn't long before handholding, walking arm-in-arm, snuggling and kissing began between each of us--pretty much in that order.

At some point, David mentioned that he wants to be carefull to insure that his touching was given out in equal proportions to both Kevin & I (who are partners of 12 yrs.). Thinking that this was just a beginning of such get-togethers, I immediately said that Kevin & I are comfortable enough with our situation that we're not worried about metering affection. I wanted him to know that it's okay to relax about this issue, even to let go of it. If Kevin & he were to spend more time caressing each other than with me, that'd be fine. If I needed to say, "Hey, let me have some...", I could do that.

There's something very contrived and artificial about trying to insure that everyone is getting equal signs of affection. Imagine someone counting up minutes, seconds..., trying to be sure not to favor one person over another in an openning couple such as Kevin and I have (are)?! That's just not relaxed enough. Sure, it would be terrible to be left out of the affection entirely, but, you know, nature has sunny days and rainy ones..., things are in flux. We ought to let ourselves be natural about it. It won't rain on anyone all of the time -- nor will the sun always shine on anyone. Too much worry about "equal treatment" is as bad or worse than actual inequality of affection and love.

MonoVCPHG 05-12-2009 07:18 PM

"Imagine someone counting up minutes, seconds..., trying to be sure not to favour one person over another in an opening couple such as Kevin and I have (are)?!"

Beautiful statement! I know Repepper puts a lot of work and energy into sorting this out and I appreciate this. I honestly have zero issue with the balance of time. I am here for a long time and don't feel a need to try to cram as much of her time in as I can. That would imply there is an end. I feel no end to this and therefore have a freedom to just enjoy! This is an area that causes me personally, absolutely no concern.

The camping coming up is an opportunity to all get together with other like minded people (like minded is used from the "appreciating polyamory" sense in my case..I don't pretend to be like minded in being polyamorous..I'm not). I don't require special attention or affection in these environments. It's not a necessity. I like being treated as a close personnel friend.

Everyone knows about us, so that is not the issue. I just enjoy Redpepper and her husbandsí company. I am in awe of there connection and love for each other because it has allowed them to take a path I couldn't even fathom. I get lots of affection. I am not lacking in any area of my intimate life except for the capacity to explain to them how much their inclusion of me in their life means and just how much I love Redpepper.

I wish I could help Redpepper with this. She knows I feel taken care of affectionately..she just has to trust in that.

River 05-12-2009 08:03 PM

He-he.... Cute, that "correction" of my spelling of favor (the American spelling) with "favour" the British, and thus Canadian, one! He-he.:p

Mark1npt 05-12-2009 08:57 PM

There's something very contrived and artificial about trying to insure that everyone is getting equal signs of affection. Imagine someone counting up minutes, seconds..., trying to be sure not to favor one person over another in an openning couple such as Kevin and I have (are)?! That's just not relaxed enough. Sure, it would be terrible to be left out of the affection entirely, but, you know, nature has sunny days and rainy ones..., things are in flux. We ought to let ourselves be natural about it. It won't rain on anyone all of the time -- nor will the sun always shine on anyone. Too much worry about "equal treatment" is as bad or worse than actual inequality of affection and love. JRM

That's a tremendous paragraph, JRM and a great term "meter out"......this is a topic that my wife, my 2nd and I are new to and still trying to come to grips with. Most nights we are all very comfortable sitting together on the sofa, sharing touches, hand holding, etc. Me, the instigator of the poly arrangement seems to always be feeling like I need to "meter out" the displays of affection in a 50/50 way to these two fine women. It's almost phobic on my part, seemingly needing to be sure that I'm not favoring one partner over the other...I guess especially so since I'm still feeling guilty about dragging my long time wife into this arrangement with me and not wanting for a minute for her to feel left out of anything. She assures me she doesn't and that the affection I show my 2nd or she me, doesn't bother her at all.

So why do I still feel the need to "meter it out"? Is it because this is all still so new, from guilt, or is it out of 27 years' habit of only holding hands with, rubbing toes with my wife? Will this need to "meter out" pass with time and our growth as a polyfidelitous V? Your 12 year history seems to have lent much wisdom to you JRM.....I hope I'm there one day.

MonoVCPHG 05-13-2009 04:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JRiverMartin (Post 977)
He-he.... Cute, that "correction" of my spelling of favor (the American spelling) with "favour" the British, and thus Canadian, one! He-he.:p

that was my spell checker! LOL...

redpepper 05-13-2009 04:35 AM

thanks for the response... the added factor is my son. He is just beginning to realize that I go out and don't come back until morning and while he hasn't said anything. probably doesn't get it anyway, as he is 6, he does notice and I haven't decided how much I want him to notice. His dad doesn't want him to notice anything, but it is becoming impossible at this point. Camping will just create more obvious connection between me and Monovcphg.


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:03 PM.