Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Liking a friend - Want to respect them, help? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22191)

younglove 03-12-2012 05:51 AM

Liking a friend - Want to respect them, help?
Hey, it's been about a year since I've come here... A year ago my husband and I accepted and discovered that we believe in polyamorous relationships - and I had some trouble because I fell for someone who ended up struggling with the idea I was married and he couldn't handle the lifestyle I suppose. But that's a whole other story that I wrote about previously.

My husband and I are both 23.. anyway this time I am here because I have recently met someone I like a lot. He's smart, funny, inspiring, and outgoing. My husband really likes him (friendly) and he thinks he's a good guy.

This is all nice and dandy. The part I need help with is that I know I like him and we've been spending a lot of time together - but he has a long distance relationship. Nothing has or ever will happen between us that would jeopardize that relationship in terms of cheating or anything as I am firmly against such things.

The trouble is, I feel at odds - like I in some ways want to tell him about my lifestyle to help perhaps explain why a married woman is spending so much time with him - but I don't want to be selfish or like come out with this news because perhaps it could influence his relationship.

Background on that is that he only dated her one month before she went back to japan (she's Japanese) and since have dated an additional 2 months via skype. Uh, this last week we saw each other like 5 days and yesterday he remembered he needed to check in with her at some time, saying he hadn't talked to her all week..

so bottom line is: is it appropriate to tell him? Should I have already told him? Is there even a point to telling him assuming I am just friends (and only trying to be just friends) at this point? I really want to respect the situation as much as is possible.

strixish 03-12-2012 10:47 AM

You can tell him that you're poly in the context of just telling him about who you are, and the way your life is. It doesn't have to be presented as "I'm poly, and I like you, and if you like me, we have some options to discuss..."

You can also tell him what poly means to you, and your relationship ethics, and the difference between poly and cheating.

And above all, if you think you're starting to feel a little hot and bothered when you're around him, but he is in a monogamous situation and it would violate your sense of ethics to facilitate him in cheating, then try hanging out in public spaces, or with your husband there, or maybe less often. Avoid temptation. If he is as young as you are, and his LDR is that new, it might not be a permanent situation-- but you don't want to be the catalyst for it ending.

polypenguin 03-12-2012 02:40 PM

Honesty is the best policy in any relationship. You don't need to hurt your relationship with him, but you can just casually throw it into conversation. Be tactful, but being honest is what poly is all about.

KyleKat 03-12-2012 03:35 PM

I wouldn't tell him you like him but I would tell him your poly. If he is a fairly intelligent guy he already knows you like him and might be hanging on to this LDR because its an excuse not to ruin your marriage by doing something with you. Bringing up the fact that you like him may give him hope and end his other relationship prematurely, though, and you don't want to cause that. It never ends well.

younglove 03-12-2012 08:25 PM

I believe in honesty as the best policy... and so far I've definitely explained a lot of my life and he has to know I am in some kind of open relationship... he also knows my values and ethics pretty plainly ... that I deeply care for people and make an intellectual relationship a priority above all else. I think I've come close to saying I'm poly... the thing is I've never intended to tell him I like him in that case.. but I'm afraid that would be obvious and I don't want the news of me being poly to open up "options" that end up influencing his LDR. So I think ill give it a little time. I have been hanging out with him with friends and with my husband and nothing will happen to cause cheating. I know he's strongly against that behavior and me too.

nycindie 03-12-2012 08:52 PM


Originally Posted by younglove
...we've been spending a lot of time together - but he has a long distance relationship. Nothing has or ever will happen between us that would jeopardize that relationship... I don't want to be selfish or like come out with this news because perhaps it could influence his relationship...

I don't want the news of me being poly to open up "options" that end up influencing his LDR.

I don't understand this idea that telling him you're poly will "influence" his relationship. It doesn't make sense to me, as if his relationship is so fragile that it will come crashing down the moment he finds out you are poly. It seems like you have a fear that is blown a bit out of proportion.

What if a single monogamous person befriended him and told him she is single and available? Would that "influence" his relationship? Who knows how many available attractive people come into his life every day? Are they all a threat to his relationship?

Maybe his relationship is strong enough to handle friendships with other people in various situations. Maybe it's not that serious a relationship, or since it's an LDR they might even have an agreement to see other people that you just don't know about. Maybe you could even tell him you are attracted to him and it wouldn't change a thing because he is steadfast and loyal and not so easily swayed. And maybe your friendship with him already has already been an influence -- a good one.

I think that if he were afraid that being with you would endanger his LDR, he wouldn't be hanging out with you as much as he already has. My point is, the strength of his relationship is dependent upon him and his gf, not you. If he found out you like him and are poly, and his relationship fell apart afterward, do you honestly believe it would be your fault? Relationships don't just fall apart out of the blue, generally they've been bad for a while. So, I wouldn't worry about that at all. The topic can just come up in conversation about relationships and you can be honest about your situation. Relax and be yourself.

redpepper 03-12-2012 10:46 PM

I don't see the need to tell him you are poly if you only plan to be friends. You could explain that you and your husband believe that its totally okay for you to bond and connect with other people (including men). That you are so glad this is happening with you and him.

If you are thinking that you would like something more then I think I would tell him you are poly. Then I would back right off telling him its because he has a girlfriend and you realize he might need some space to deal with the info that you like him beyond friendship. I would also tell him that when and if he is ready he can approach you to ask questions and contact you about meeting again. I would suggest you ask him to let his partner know he will be doing that if he wants to continue seeing you as even a friend. Monogamous people are usually threatened by even a friend that is interested in their partner in my experience. I think its important to respect that by respecting her and her claim to this man (even if its not your belief).

younglove 03-13-2012 03:49 AM

Hmm, definitely a lot to think about - but I am pretty sure that as long as he's in the relationship, I am content being friends, and as of now, I see no reason to tell him I am poly or see the potential to be more. I actually look forward to a long friendship between us and if he magically is ever single again, I might tell him at that point. I definitely want to be careful before becoming involved with somebody on such a romantic level again.

I don't tell very many people about my life style choice because it's private in my eyes and this guy is roommates with some good friends. I am thinking it's not necessary to tell him at this time and possibly make things awkward, especially since nothing can really happen anyways. Plus I think he already gathers that I am in some type of open situation, maybe just not the specifics.

I really appreciate the different approaches and perspectives. Thanks for the replies! I'll keep this situation updated.

younglove 07-19-2012 03:33 AM

Update Several Months Later...
So it's been a long time since I posted about this situation...

He went to japan to visit her about 2 weeks after my last post and he had a really good time there... however they talked about how feasible it would be to see each other again and decided they might see other people.

As soon as he got back we picked up right where we left off hanging out every day pretty much. It was so much fun. We spent a lot of time talking - for hours and hours and just enjoying each others company.

Eventually we ended up liking each other so much it was ridiculous, so we started seeing each other romantically and he was communicative about this with his girl in japan. She told him to avoid hindering his new relationship she would cease talking to him, which I know is something that pains him because he didn't want to have things end like that...

Anyway, our relationship is doing well and it's been pretty exciting. Picnics in the park, dinner dates, hanging out at my new place with my husband and roommate and my friends for home made dinner and drinks. It's been a blast. I couldn't be happier with how well things are going with us.

On an emotional level things have matured too, as we have told each other we love one another. Ahh! I am so excited by all of it. We often talk about the beginning of when we met and what we thought of each other and how much time we spent hanging out and stuff like that. It's interesting to hear the other's thoughts and impressions.

So there's not much to say here in terms of asking for help or anything, but I just wanted to say that the situation has so far been delightful and I am really happy about it.

My husband has been incredible, and he really likes my boyfriend. He says that he makes an effort to be his friend and to show him respect and appreciation and that he doesn't feel awkward to hang out with us. I have to say some of my favorite moments are when the two of them are just hanging out, getting along and laughing. :)

GalaGirl 07-19-2012 04:05 AM

I'm glad things in your world are working out in yoru update! :)


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:21 PM.