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-   -   The Super Awesome Jealousy Thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22168)

Sugarbooger 03-10-2012 01:19 PM

The Super Awesome Jealousy Thread
 
I'm sure there are others, but is there a jealousy thread that is super awesome?

Sigh. Does it ever go away? I'm much better about the other two having a night to themselves, but I still feel a little bile rise to the back of my throat. I HATE feeling this way. I had a nightmare where I yelled at them both and woke myself up kicking and screaming. C'mon, how old am I?

I want to be able to turn it around before my spouse gets home. I want to be able to be okay when the three of us go out to a party tonight. On the inside I'm still a little resentful because I want him to get his OWN girlfriend, and well--he's not going to be in that place for a while.

I know jealousy is super awesome because it forces me to look at my fears: fear of not being good enough, fear of not being loved, and fear of losing what I have. I get that. I just hate it when it is visiting me.

nancyfore 03-10-2012 04:29 PM

I think continued reading and communication will help, but I dont think its something that can be cured by tonight. It takes time to understand all the dynamics that cause the jealousy and alot of communication to help you be more secure. Hugs..

CherryBlossomGirl 03-11-2012 12:22 AM

What are your plans for tonight?
 
That's a tough place to be in; not necessarily going to get better/go away entirely any time soon. For me it's all about self care when that stuff comes up; doing something physical to help move those emotions through the body (jog, go to a yoga class, do a hardcore workout video, have a hot bath and a cool drink and do some serious deep breathing). It's about respecting the limitations within your body/mind by doing caring, self loving things while those emotions are happening - ie, the way that we rock babies when they cry to comfort them - rock & hold yourself, have a good cry, write down some points to take to a counsellor at a later date. Love & take care of yourself, and know that you're worth every second of self care that you can give yourself when you're feeling vulnerable and lost/jealous/fearful/angry/etc.

Instead of trying to work so hard on those emotions and eradicate them, my question is this.... what are your plans on their night together? Do you book fun friend nights, sleepovers at a friend's place or anything of the like? Is it time for you to negotiate another relationship for yourself so that you have your own nights with another partner too?

If you make it about what you're doing for yourself, and give that self care to yourself, you might jes' find that the fun that you have on their nights together starts making you look forward to your time with yourself/friends/family. reward yourself with love, care, time and attention for being such a giving, sharing, loving partner, and know that the way you feel is NATURAL.

Pretzels 03-11-2012 01:37 AM

I spend most of the week away from the guys at work. They're home having fun little adventures and it's not that I'm jealous of them spending time together, I'm upset it can't be the three of us. However, restarting one's life in a new career means sacrifices...for now.

Here's how I deal: I do all the uber-geeky things I know they wouldn't want to. Go play bingo - you betcha. Make puzzles and listen to goofy podcasts? Check. Go to plays? Sold. Catch a flick with subtitles? Sure enough. That way, I'm creating good memories and experiences for me, not focusing on the negative of the separation.

When T and I are together, E grabs his favorite fast food and lets the cats spend the night in the house with him.

When E and I are together, T tinkers on this and that or goes about fixing things.

Basically, the way I think about it is date nights aren't only for couples. Sometimes you need to remember to, ahem, love yourself in whatever dynamic you're in. Sometimes that means a good cry with a pint of Phish Food. Othertimes that means watching a TV show you know your others aren't crazy about...you get the idea.

redpepper 03-12-2012 06:04 AM

It might help to read some other threads on "jealousy." See what you can find in the tag section. It can be found in the search engine on the tool bar.

Sugarbooger 03-14-2012 11:45 AM

Thanks for the feedback!
 
Thanks everyone. I really need to just let things be what they are instead of constantly trying to fix them. Bad habit. Fixer-fixer, tsk tsk.

I tried to have someone to come over and spend the evening with me and the kids, but it didn't work. I ended up falling asleep just fine, then had that dream. When I asked my lover what time they went to bed, she said 3:30, about 2.5 hours after his arrival. That means he came home from work and they boned for 2.5 hours. I started feeling super insecure. She reminded me it wasn't a contest, but I just have this awful fear that someone will want out because they'll realize they can get a better lay elsewhere. I know, totally irrational--but it is a fear. Sigh.

KyleKat 03-14-2012 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sugarbooger (Post 128772)
Thanks everyone. I really need to just let things be what they are instead of constantly trying to fix them. Bad habit. Fixer-fixer, tsk tsk.

I tried to have someone to come over and spend the evening with me and the kids, but it didn't work. I ended up falling asleep just fine, then had that dream. When I asked my lover what time they went to bed, she said 3:30, about 2.5 hours after his arrival. That means he came home from work and they boned for 2.5 hours. I started feeling super insecure. She reminded me it wasn't a contest, but I just have this awful fear that someone will want out because they'll realize they can get a better lay elsewhere. I know, totally irrational--but it is a fear. Sigh.

I hear you. I am the exact same way. Make a mistake and do all the wrong things to fix it and make it worse.

Don't get caught up on the sex. I did and it ended poorly.

Cleo 03-14-2012 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sugarbooger (Post 128772)
When I asked my lover what time they went to bed, she said 3:30, about 2.5 hours after his arrival. That means he came home from work and they boned for 2.5 hours.

You don't know this for sure.
Unless you ask them specifically what they did every minute of those 2.5 hours (and are prepared for the answers) you don't know.
Could be they talked for 2 hours and had sex for 30 minutes.
Could be there was tension or awkwardness. Could be one of them was checking email for 20 minutes.
And yes, it could be they had amazing sex for 2.5 hours.

Assuming things has got me in a lot of trouble...

Sugarbooger 03-15-2012 12:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cleo (Post 128777)
You don't know this for sure.
Unless you ask them specifically what they did every minute of those 2.5 hours (and are prepared for the answers) you don't know.
Could be they talked for 2 hours and had sex for 30 minutes.
Could be there was tension or awkwardness. Could be one of them was checking email for 20 minutes.
And yes, it could be they had amazing sex for 2.5 hours.

Assuming things has got me in a lot of trouble...

I wish there was a magical cure for assuming things, for now trial and error will have to be my teacher.:)

NovemberRain 03-15-2012 03:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sugarbooger (Post 128832)
I wish there was a magical cure for assuming things, for now trial and error will have to be my teacher.:)

..oh but wait, there IS! It's called 'asking.'
No need for that pesky trial and error thing.
:D
(said with all the love in my heart ~ not trying to be snarky)


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