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-   -   So, how does it work? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22139)

insanity 03-09-2012 08:40 AM

So, how does it work?
 
So, after finally having this conversation with my fiance, who was very shocked..
For now we agreed that he won't get pissed off hen I go to hang out with her and that she can come more often an even stay here to sleep (and he will sleep in another room or something)
For now this is the best I could get :(
But I guess I have to be happy with that.. and whatever future brings..

But I don't know how to deal with my feelings.. whenever I think of the girl, and I do that A LOT I feel sort of bad, whenever I think of him, I feel bad, I am full of anxiety and can't let go of it..

I want them both to be happy with whatever is happening and I feel like I am failing... I don't want to give up on any of them so that's not an option..

We are supposed to go to our friend how are leading this kind of a relationship so that my friend can talk to my boyfriend and tell him that he is not being left out and all that stuff.. it seems that it is how he feel that there is "no more us" and it is so not true...

How these things work really? :(

insanity 03-09-2012 09:00 AM

what I mean is that I can never be 100% emotionally connected to either of them, is that even right??

redpepper 03-09-2012 04:25 PM

You can never be connected to those you love all the time. I'm sure you love certain relatives and yet don't think of them all the time and feel connected to them all of the time. I suggest giving yourself a break and remind your self to connect with yourself first before concerning yourself with connecting with others.

How you are feeling is how I burned out, until I decided to switch it around. I would connect in those moments when you rediscover how wonderful they are and decide to be delighted and filled with joy then. It seems to be a good way to live and make love abundant in my life anyway. :) Guilt and fear do nothing for spreading love in my experience.

insanity 03-09-2012 04:34 PM

I know you are right, but sometimes (most of the time) it is hard on me to control my emotions.
I sometimes feel like a mental cheater, since my boyfriend isn't completely comfortable (or maybe he is but still very shocked, either way it upsets me)

nycindie 03-09-2012 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by insanity (Post 128107)
what I mean is that I can never be 100% emotionally connected to either of them, is that even right??

Why not? What does "100% emotionally connected" mean to you, anyway? Aren't you 100% yourself whether you are alone or in the company of another? When you are present, how can you be less than all of who you are in any given moment?

Are you looking at polyamory as something that divides up your feelings and energies with other people? Because a lot of people feel that polyamory expands our ability to love, even though our time cannot be spent 100% with one or the other person.

insanity 03-09-2012 05:55 PM

Well, on one hand it seems that you are right; it is like when a mother has two kids and she spends more time with one rather than the other it doesn't mean she doesn't love the other (although the other might think that)

but on the other hand, is it emotional cheating?

nycindie 03-09-2012 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by insanity (Post 128177)
but on the other hand, is it emotional cheating?

Is what, specifically, "emotional cheating?"

insanity 03-09-2012 05:59 PM

I know that the whole polyamory idea is that it is possible loving more than one person, so when I am with one, I am not 100% with them since there is also another one... or am I wrong?

nycindie 03-09-2012 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by insanity (Post 128179)
I know that the whole polyamory idea is that it is possible loving more than one person, so when I am with one, I am not 100% with them since there is also another one... or am I wrong?

Yeah, I am not understanding your take on this.

Like I said before, how is it possible to be any less than 100% who you are at any given moment of time? Who you spend time with doesn't take away your wholeness or ability to be fully present. If you give in to distracting thoughts, you're still 100% there, but just listening to thoughts in your head. If you focus on the person or activity in front of you, your attention is 100% on that person or activity.

What is all this focus on "100%" about for you? Do you believe that to be in a relationship you have to subsume who you are into the other person and not have any outside interests or parts of you that can be passionate about other things and people?

I think, perhaps, what you are wrestling with is your belief system about what relationships are supposed to be or mean.

insanity 03-09-2012 06:17 PM

I was always fond of polyamory, even when I didn't even know what it is called, but I never really experienced it so I don't know if I am doing things right..

I sometimes feel confused, I know that when you're in a relationship with someone you still can be passionate about other things/people...
but since I am having hard time delivering it to my boyfriend and for now just simply explaining this girl to him as 'a friend with benefits'
so he pretends I have no feelings for her, but when I am with her i feel like an emotional cheater..


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