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-   -   Long Distance Woes (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22137)

OneWingedAngel 03-09-2012 04:07 AM

Long Distance Woes
Over 6 years ago, I met and developed a relationship with a married couple. 3 years into the relationship, they moved several states away. Even though we have opened up the terms of our relationship, I feel like it is waning between us and I really don't want it to. The more time passes, the more distant they seem to become. I wonder if it is unrealistic of me to believe that it could survive somehow?

My first instinct was to talk to them about my concerns about feeling like we are growing distant and whether we want to try to find other ways to continue to develop our relationship or move on. I wrote to them both early last week asking if they'd be willing to set aside some time for the upcoming weekend to chat online and discuss our relationship and how we feel about things.

I didn't hear from either one of them for 2 or 3 days, so I inquired again about what they wanted to do. The husband said that he was up for it, but didn't know when since he didn't know what all was planned for that weekend. Then the wife finally responded late that same evening about being sidetracked and suggested that maybe we could chat sometime that evening. I told her that I already had plans that evening and that there was a reason why I requested earlier in the week for them to set aside some time this weekend. I even suggested that if this weekend wasn't a good time, then perhaps maybe next weekend?

Yet again, the next day I never heard back from them. I told them they weren't being very responsive. The wife finally responded and told me about all the things they did over the weekend and that she couldn't provide an answer because she didn't have one to give yet. I told her that if she didn't want to make plans with me that weekend, then she should have just said so in the first place. She keeps saying that she doesn't know what her schedule looks like.

It's been over a week and they have not yet attempted to follow up with me on trying to make any time to chat with me. Am I missing something? Am I asking too much for them to set aside some time to talk? Is there a different way I should be approaching this? Is this the beginning of the end? I would love to hear from an outsider's point of view.

dingedheart 03-09-2012 04:55 AM

Sorry but it sounds like it's over already. They either don't want to answer tough questions or are putting off telling that they want out. Day to respond to request to have a chat ....really. How about I need you to make time.

Doesn't sound very loving to me ...not after years of investment.

Good luck. D

KyleKat 03-09-2012 06:21 AM

In your Intro thread you mentioned some of this as well. You haven't told us why you didn't follow them to the new state. I'm sorry but I agree with the post above mine. It sounds like they are blowing you off so they don't have to deal with it.

SourGirl 03-09-2012 06:51 AM

My buddy DH, gives solid advice.

They may still be unsure themselves, ..but, at the very least, there is doubt.

OneWingedAngel 03-09-2012 04:47 PM

That's kinda what I was afraid of, but I guess I needed to hear it from others.

When they made plans to move, it was pretty much a done deal without my input. The wife did mention wanting me to live closer to them, but with the way the shape the economy has been in, I wouldn't have been able to risk losing my job security and benefits. If I lose my job, I would have to have a complete career change and take a huge loss of pay because my position is nearly obsolete. If I were to lose my job anytime soon, I might be inclined to take a risk and start somewhere new, so it remained in my thoughts. Considering how much time I have invested with this company and the pay and benefits involved, it seems logical to me to ride this out as long as I can.

Last year, my mom, who is my paternal grandmother who raised and adopted me since I was 5, was diagnosed with cancer, so that really made me re-think my priorities in life. I live an hour away from my mom and even that has been hard on me. My mom has been through several chemo treatments and is now currently awaiting tests to see if she is in the clear or not. She is due to turn 80 next month. Whether or not she is in the clear, my time with her is limited and so I have made an internal vow that I will make use of that time by remaining within driving distance to my mom for as long as she lives.

Once I made that internal decision (which was last month), it left me to wonder what to do about the current state of my relationship with the married couple and whether or not we could attempt to still maintain a long distance relationship and see what the future holds down the road. The longer the time has passed, the more distant we have become. That is what prompted me to write them that letter asking them for time to get together and chat and get everything out on the table to see how everyone feels and where we stand. Their lack of response and not willing to set aside time for me has really opened my eyes. In a way, I feel like I don't want to give up, wondering if I have done all that I can to attempt to maintain our relationship or at least find closure.

nycindie 03-09-2012 04:59 PM

If I were you, I would stop asking them to give you some time to talk to you. I would now say to them that they have made their intentions known and you are now letting go of the relationship. If they see that you are willing to break it off, but they want to hold onto it, they will have to make the effort. But don't word it like an ultimatum, or hope that saying you're letting go will manipulate them into a positive response. Be clear and firm that it is over.

Because it sounds like it is over, so why put yourself in the position of begging for their attention, waiting for them to confirm it? You have enough to deal with. Take a stance.

SourGirl 03-09-2012 05:03 PM

Great advice from nycindie.

OneWingedAngel 03-24-2012 06:56 PM

Nycindie... Your advice was well received. It helped to me to look at the situation in a different light and eventually come to terms that it might really be over. It is hard to condense 6 yrs of a relationship into a few paragraphs, so I felt that there was a lot of ground that I wasn't able to cover. I wasn't sure I was ready to accept that it was over, but a lot has happened over the past few weeks and I think things are changing whether for better or worse.

Besides our growing distance, there was something else that was bothering me about this situation that I wasn't able to put my finger on. I didn't want to say anything until I could figure out what this was. I kept writing letter after letter and then deleting them. The mood varied from angry to compassionate. I didn't know what I was trying to convey.

Somehow, the clouds started to part and I was able to start seeing things a bit more clearly. The first thing that bothered me was that even though we have toyed with future possibilities together, after 2 or 3 years into our relationship they decided to move and I was not included in those plans.

This bothered me at first, but I didn't hold it against them because they had agreed to work towards their goal of moving to another state prior to meeting me. After the move, they did imply that I was more than welcome to move to be closer to them.

I considered it, but considering the state of the economy and high unemployment rate at the time, I didn't feel that the timing was right for me, but I was still open to the move if things continued to improve down the road. Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer and that basically solified that the timing was not right for me yet.

Then out of the blue the husband wrote a letter a couple months ago expressing his desire to move to another country. Again, I was not included in those plans. I had a discussion with the wife not long after and she doesn't really want to move, but is following and helping to make her husband's dreams come true. She then asked if I would ever consider moving to another country with them. I told her I would consider it if that's what they wanted.

After that is when things became more distant with all of us. It was tearing me up because it seems like we're not doing much talking anymore. There are more questions than there are answers. I wanted to try to get to the bottom of it by having all of us talk and getting feedback, but they didn't make themselves available to me despite repeated attempts.

During this process, I had started to work out which I think has also helped a lot in clearing up some of the fog in my mind. It finally dawned on me that what was bothering me was the fact that the wife keeps telling me about how important I am to them and that I am “a part of their family”.

I want so much to be a part of their family but the truth is, that I do not feel like I am part of the family. At least not yet. The wife finally popped online the other day and gave me the opening to talk to her about what's been on my mind. Here is some of what I have told her:

“You both moved to AZ and I wasn't a part of those plans... that was something you two decided to persue... and now your husband wants to move to another country.. again, I'm not included... When could we ever get to the point that we could talk about our future? I can't chase after your guy's dreams hoping that I'll find mine... I need to have a voice... and I want a relationship in which I can also make decisions and negotiations. I love you both.. and I would very much like to do what it takes to make things work out for us, but I can't do it on the conditions we currently have.”

She said I was right. She admitted that she had been evasive because she feared what my thoughts might be but doesn't have any answers to give. She told her husband that she was chatting with me and wanted to know if he was interested in reading what I had to say. He said he didn't want to read it at the moment because he was busy and the kids were in the room. The wife eventually went offline and I haven't spoken to either one of them since.

I sense that the wife wants to continue to build our relationship, but the husband doesn't. There's nothing I can do about it. I accepted them as a package deal from the beginning. It hurts me that it seems that he's not on board with this, so I don't expect to get answers anytime soon.

I made it clear that I can't move on in our relationship with the conditions we currently have. The ball has been left in their court and I think it's time for me to start moving on now.

NovemberRain 03-26-2012 03:05 AM

oh Vanda, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you've got some clarity, and it sounds like you have strength. I know it must suck a lot. :(

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