Trouble in Paradise
So a few months ago I began dating a couple, letís call them Jay and Caroline. Everything ran perfectly smooth from the start: it was as if we'd known each other and been friends for years. However, I recently had to move in with them due to some trouble with my family and Iím having a very difficult time coping with my emotions. Iíve never moved out of my house, so itís been a very difficult transition for me, and it was done in a rushed matter, so I still donít even have my own space in our house. Itís only been a week, but in all this, Iím beginning to have second thoughts about polyamory.
Iím a girl, and Iíve mainly had relationships with women, men havenít really ever interested me half as much as women do. Out of the two, I first met Jay. He was super interested in me, and it took him months to get my attention. He and Caroline have been together 9 years and had often engaged in threesomes, and even once tried a poly relationship, which didnít work out because the gf they had was only after Jay and would fight with Caroline. Jay would tell me about Caroline and how wonderful she was and how I should meet her, so one day she and I met at a party. We hit it off well, and at some point in the party we all ended up in a room together, and thus began our relationship. I would constantly stay over at their place, and since last week Iíve been living with them. However, I constantly find myself feeling anger, jealousy, envy, and insecurityÖI also worry that perhaps I am much more into Caroline than into Jay, and that Caroline is too into Jay to be into me as I wish she would be. I even feel envious (of him) when they have sex and Iím not present. I really like Jay but thereís a lot of things that really bother me about him, and I think itís just that I prefer women :\. I am Carolineís first relationship with a girl, and sometimes I feel sad because I know she loves Jay tremendously and sometimes I just wish I had one love that I didnít need to share. I really enjoy the thrill and the benefits of a poly relationship, but I feel secondary many times. They do their best to not make me feel that way, and I feel like Iím being immature when I get these feelings of insecurity. For example, tonight she and I had planned to go out alone and meet some friends from high school. I was very exited and looking forward to everyone meeting her. However, she had to cancel on me because Jay wanted her to go have dinner with her at his dadís house and also he wanted to have a talk with her, spend some time together, what not. I felt extremely angryÖat that moment I wished I just had a girlfriend who I didnít have to share with anyone. Perhaps I am being selfish? I need help dealing with these emotions :\
My first week with them hasnít been pleasant for me and though Iím aware that itís still been a very short amount of time and I need to see how things to, Iím beginning to feel like I didnít make a right choice to move in with them. They are doing all they can to make me feel comfortable, but all I have been feeling is discomfort. I canít sleep well, any little thing triggers my anger and frustration. Iím having difficulty also trying not to let my anger affect them, as it isnít their fault. I also feel envious of their relationship. They have their life all settled together, their routines, their regular places/activities. Now that Iím living with them, I feel that I have to adjust to THEIR life and I just wish I could have my own life and routine with a special someone like they have together. I feel fortunate to have found two wonderful and special people that love me, but polyamory is turning out more difficult than I thought :(
Is there anyway you can move out?
Moving in with them puts a tremendous amount of stress on your new relationship. You need time to figure out what you want and what you need out of these relationships. It sounds like you aren't really sure what you need to feel comfortable and it's a rocky if not impossible road to figure that out all under the same roof especially if you don't feel like you have a place that is your own.
I don't know about other people but when I was in my first poly relationship I needed time and space to step back and check in with myself about how I was feeling. I had a tendency to "protect" my partners from my emotions, fears and insecurities in some ill guided attempt to be "easy".
When I started I didn't know I could ask for the things I wanted or needed.
Have you expressed these fears to your partners?
What is the game plan about living together, is this temporary or are you looking for a place of your own?
Ideally what would your relationship with her look like?
What would your relationship with him look like?
What would your relationship with them look like?
Well, now, did all three of you sit down and discuss your expectations, needs, and boundaries before you moved in? If not, do it now.
Do you know what your personal boundaries are? if not, figure them out!
If I were you I would clearly state that, for this to work, you want dates and private times with each of them separately as well as together, and that there needs to be a set schedule for that. No cancelling unless there's an emergency. Tell them that you're already feeling swept aside because there isn't a structure to support developing each relationship in a healthy way.
Speak up for yourself before it becomes a mess. I would also consider inviting them here to read your thread and take part in the discussion so everyone's views get expressed and considered when other members here offer advice.
sorry, I don't get why you have to all three be together or why you ever were. There is no rule that says that couples must date together. You'd think they would of learned something of this the first time around with the woman they were with. how they missed that, I don't know. If you are not that into Jay then don't date him.
No, you are not selfish. I think that you need to find a mono woman and get out of this. You will never have her all to your self. This is a fact. There will always be times that you will have to go it alone if you are dating her. If this isn't working then don't do it.
I think it was very unwise to move in with them. Check out the threads on "unicorn" and "moving in" in the tag section of the search engine and you will find many many threads of others that have gone before with similar experiences. You might find something helpful there.
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