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-   -   Polyamory and me? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22104)

StreetRacer 03-07-2012 11:07 PM

Polyamory and me?
 
hey guys, i already made a thread in the intro section
but I wanted to post this here, because I wanted to see what you guys think about it

so feedback if ya got any

im Ryan, I'm 22
ive been going through a lot of life changes lately, which had caused a lot of thinking. my sexuality being one of them, and i guess the conclusion i came to as of last night is that,
im a polyamorous homogenderal
that probably doesn't make much sense lol, and that'z cuz i came up with it
first the homogenderal,
after being in a few relationships with both men and women there were things in each which i found seem to stick out... and i guess this is my attraction to the male "gender". by gender, I don't mean biological sex, but the male gender role, as in MASCULINITY. and i mean strictly. For example, I would much rather date a tom-boy girl than a fem twink. I have no problem with fem people, that's just not what I am personally attracted to. So that is why I consider myself homogenderal and not homosexual. I'd love feedback to that if you have some.
After being in a few long-term monogamous relationships, I also noticed something else missing, and this is really what has got me thinking lately.
I realized that my fantasy, and by fantasy I mean sexual and non-sexual, I see myself in a polyamorous relationship, I had never really taken this seriously until recently, when I have began to think that I am polyamorous, in that I desire to be in a relationship with multiple people.
Now as I understand, there are different types of polyamory. I think my case might be unusual, but considering I am here maybe not (which is why I am here to get a feel for what polyamory is like). But when I say I fantasize about a polyamorous relationship, I don't mean having one partner, and then another, and being able to choose which I want whenever, but more in that I want the 3+ of us in an equal relationship, as in no two being more exclusive. I know there are many polyamorous relationships like this, but from my personal experiences, most polyamorous relationships I see deal with a couple that has already been dating many years, take on a third person. Also many times, while it seems to work sexually for a small time, that the third can cause issues, by sometimes feeling like he has come in between.
So I guess I'm seeking feedback on my idea of my polyamory. Ideally, I would like a relationship of 4 people, even three guys and one girl. Almost like a family, but like in a sexual way... which sounds REALLY weird to me! so I was hoping to try and find a place to talk about this where it seems more normal.
ANYWAYSSS
sorry for typing a novel

JaneQSmythe 03-08-2012 12:00 AM

Not weird...just unique...as are we all.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetRacer (Post 127968)
... my attraction to the male "gender". by gender, I don't mean biological sex, but the male gender role, as in MASCULINITY. and i mean strictly. For example, I would much rather date a tom-boy girl than a fem twink. I have no problem with fem people, that's just not what I am personally attracted to. So that is why I consider myself homogenderal and not homosexual.

I don't know how common it is, or whether there is a word for it (until you invented one :D) ..but hey whatever floats your, um,.. "boat"! I'm attracted to feminine women and masculine men (I identify as bisexual rather than pansexual for this reason)...others are attracted to androgyny in either sex. Some lesbians may be attracted to masculine or feminine women or both. etc. etc. You've noticed a pattern about your attractions...and now you know yourself that much better (until, Whoops!, someone comes along that you didn't expect ... oh, well, you don't have stay in the "boat" ALL of the time - sometimes it's nice to go swimming!:eek:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetRacer (Post 127968)
I realized that my fantasy, and by fantasy I mean sexual and non-sexual, I see myself in a polyamorous relationship...I have began to think that I am polyamorous, in that I desire to be in a relationship with multiple people.

Yes, sexual AND non-sexual - not just sex but relationships with multiple people. Relationships are not all about sex but I think the sex part gets talked about a fair amount because that is where a lot of people (and society have hang ups). When you are building your "castles in the air" you are looking at what you want out of the whole of your life - not just what is happening in the "royal bedchambers".

Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetRacer (Post 127968)
Now as I understand, there are different types of polyamory.

That, my friend, is an understatement...there are as many different types of polyamory as there are people doing it.


Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetRacer (Post 127968)
I think my case might be unusual, but considering I am here maybe not (which is why I am here to get a feel for what polyamory is like). But when I say I fantasize about a polyamorous relationship...in that I want the 3+ of us in an equal relationship, as in no two being more exclusive. I know there are many polyamorous relationships like this, but from my personal experiences, most polyamorous relationships I see deal with a couple that has already been dating many years, take on a third person. Also many times, while it seems to work sexually for a small time, that the third can cause issues, by sometimes feeling like he has come in between.

Yes, you will find lots of references to Unicorns and Unicorn Hunters on this site. Something to keep in mind, however, is that even if 3 people met at the exact same time and hit it off great, that doesn't necessarily mean that all of the relationships (A+B, B+C, A+C, A+B+C) would grow or evolve at the same rate or to the same degree. So at any point in time 1 of them could be the "third" causing issues for the other 2. Focusing on the journey (finding like-minded people and relating to them in whatever way feels right) rather that then goal (a specific relationship configuration) may reduce disappointment when things don't turn out exactly as you had planned (when do they ever? ;)

Enjoy your journey!
JaneQ

StreetRacer 03-08-2012 12:21 AM

wow JaneQ thank you for the response! :)
and i see what you mean about meeting and growing at the same time


I see your relationship in your sig, it seems really interesting
could you possibly tell me more about it, or do you have a thread
this is all new to me... and what is a unicorn hunter?? lol
thanks!

JaneQSmythe 03-08-2012 01:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetRacer (Post 127974)
wow JaneQ thank you for the response! :)
and i see what you mean about meeting and growing at the same time

You're welcome and I'm happy for any insight I provided!


Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetRacer (Post 127974)
I see your relationship in your sig, it seems really interesting could you possibly tell me more about it, or do you have a thread
this is all new to me... and what is a unicorn hunter?? lol
thanks!

Easier question first - unicorn hunters (as I have seen it used on this site) are couples like in your post: "a couple that has already been dating many years, [who want to] take on a third person" - they are searching for a "mythical creature" (the unicorn) - the polyamorous bisexual single woman who will love them both equally (and ideally exclusively?) and "complete" their idealized triad. (If you go to "Search" and then "Tag Search" and click on "unicorn hunting" you can see other threads on this topic). What frequently comes up in conversation is the point that I made in my posts to you - that not all relationships grow/develop along the same trajectory.

As to my relationship(s)...my blog hasn't caught up with my life so there are only bits and pieces scattered around, and it's a fairly long story (or I am long-winded...:))

To summarize...I am bi and poly and from the beginning of my relationship with MrS I was completely free to pursue relationships with women in whatever way I saw fit. For 19 years this worked out fine and then he brought home Dude (who he had been friends with for several years before I met him) and he was hanging out with us several nights a week. Stuff happened...turmoil ensued...boundaries were renegotiated...other stuff happened...AND...Dude somehow never left to go home. Now I live with my husband and my boyfriend (who are best friends)...perhaps for "Happily Ever After" :p (you do believe in fairy tales, don't you?) but certainly for "Happily Right Now" ;). And I never saw it coming...:D

PS. I'd be happy to answer any specific questions you have but didn't know exactly where your interest was - so gave a broad answer.

PostPS. Most people would NOT recommend moving your OSO ("Other Significant Other") into the house right from the beginning - but instead giving the relationship the time to solidify and get through the throes of NRE ("New Relationship Energy") before trying cohabitation. We been lucky (so far) - probably because MrS and Dude were already friends and Dude was already a fixture in our lives - just moved from sleeping on the couch to sleeping in the bed.

StreetRacer 03-08-2012 02:06 AM

Cool and yes I can agree with that, and your story sounds awesome :)
but wait... so MrS is bi or ?

JaneQSmythe 03-08-2012 02:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetRacer (Post 127987)
but wait... so MrS is bi or ?

No, MrS and Dude are both straight - I get LOTS of attention (from each separately and, occasionally, both together...:p). When we are all sleeping in the bed (some people do use beds for this purpose as well ;)) ...then I get the middle - very cozy with snuggles from both sides.

StreetRacer 03-08-2012 03:51 AM

Yea that sounds prett nice lol :p

Phy 03-08-2012 04:04 AM

As you just touched on the variety, in my case there has been the couple who opened up to a third and moved every relationship to the same level kind of immediately. And moved the new person in as well. This worked great for us, even though the men aren't sexually involved with each other. You can have what you dream of, it may just take unexpected bumps in the road to get there. So be open for whatever comes your way :) Good luck and welcome.

nycindie 03-08-2012 04:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetRacer (Post 127974)
... and what is a unicorn hunter?? lol

Check out the Glossary and Definitions thread when you have a chance. It might help to clear up any other questions you may have.

SourGirl 03-08-2012 05:28 AM

I think you are unique on identifying as 'genderal' but I think many bi-friendly people go through stages, where they are more into a masculine side, regardless of sex, or more into a feminine quality regardless of sex. I`d say most people ebb and flow with it,..So you have taken the proverbial bull by the horns, and now have an identity with it. :)

Interesting subject, and welcome to the board.


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