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-   -   I feel... calm? Is that right? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22069)

KyleKat 03-07-2012 01:57 AM

I feel... calm? Is that right?
Maybe it's shock, maybe it's just acceptance. I'm not sure. Is this how I'm supposed to feel?

No idea what I'm talking about? Yeah, that probably makes sense. Let me tell you a little bit.

Earlier this year my wife and I were having problems. Those problems have since been resolved and everyone is on good terms and yadda yadda. Whatevs. Anyway, throughout our marriage we have (well, I have) brought up polyamory on several occasions. I didn't really call it that. At first it was threesomes. Then it was seeing other people. It just kept building but each time she was insecure about her body (she had two kids, girls, you understand) and didn't think she could find someone. She lost a bunch of weight recently and so when we were having problems she started talking to a mutual friend of ours on a platonic basis and then when one night she confessed she had feelings for him to him, immediately felt bad and confessed to me, and that's how we brought up poly again. I was, at first, a little insecure because it's a guy we know and see from time to time along with several people that we know are totally against the idea of polyamory. She told me that his wife had left him for someone in a similar situation. She also told me that he told her she can say what she wants so long as she never acts on it. Being that I know him I trust him and trust that he's not lying, I told her to go for it. The thing is, he lives in California currently (and we in Illinois). He comes back here often since he's from here, but obviously getting her to him is a problem what with the kids and all. Oh well, we can figure it out.

So she says, "I want to go see him sooner than later. I want to actually get to be with him before one of us (referring to him and her, not me) decides this is a bad idea and he finds someone else." There was more to it than that, but you get the idea. We plan a plane trip and start making preparations for her to go there.

Her flight out is today. We made up elaborate stories to convince our families that she's just going on a vacation (they would all kill us if they found out and we're not ready to fight that fire). So the grandparents have the kids, I have the house to myself (and a prospective girlfriend, but nothing serious or anything that's going to keep me warm at night) and she's waiting in the terminal for the flight to take off. To California.

Back to the beginning of this mess. Should I feel something? I really... don't. I miss her, but that's because I enjoy her company and I love her more as much as a person humanly can. Up until today I've been on-off jealous, angry, upset, depressed, happy, excited, ready for vacation, etc, etc. I find myself getting more excited over the prospect of them having sex than I find myself getting jealous. Which is good... but right now, I don't feel much of anything. To me, it's just been a long day in the car and a sad "see you in a week" followed by a drive home with some rock music and the past hour spent in front of this computer. I'm about to go out with a friend because I'm bored to tears and my legs hurt from sitting so much today but other than that, my biggest worry is that she's getting on a plane. I know she'll be safe with him and I know that she'll come back and that she loves me. I trust her wholly. So why am I not feeling more?

I'm guessing that right now I'm just overwhelmed and that tonight when I crawl in bed it'll be a whole different thing but if I stop overthinking things and take this at face value that means that all of my "fears" were for nothing and I truly am good with this lifestyle. Which, she's told me several times that she is afraid I'm just letting her go because she wants to do it. If I can prove to myself (and to her) that this isn't the case, I think this choice of ours will work out quite nicely.

I'll keep this thread updated with any developments, but any takes on the situation? It's hard looking in when you're already inside the bubble. :)

ThatGirlInGray 03-07-2012 02:21 AM

Ummm...sounds about perfect to me. You've apparently dealt with any negative emotions as they've come up, either by waiting them out or digging to find the causes (you don't say which). Don't feel like you're required to feel a bunch of positive emotions either, though. You don't HAVE to be thrilled for her or excited/turned on by the thought of her having sex with someone else.

I tend to think of it as similar to my husband or partner going to hang out with a friend- yes, I miss them while they're gone and sometimes I'm jealous (especially with my LDR partner) that someone else gets to spend time with them and I don't, but mostly I'm just hanging out, doing my own thing, not really thinking about it. I know where they are and who they're with and unless they come back with fun/funny stories to share that's about all I'll ever know. I'm not usually super-stoked for them to be hanging out with someone else but if they tell me they had a good time when they get back I'll be happy for them.

Take everything in the above paragraph and replace "hanging out with a friend" with "on a date" or "having sex with someone else" and it sounds like where you're at. At this point worrying about her traveling makes TOTAL sense to me, so I hope her trip goes smoothly and you continue feeling (or "not feeling") like you do now!

Jericka 03-07-2012 04:02 AM

You feel what you feel. If you aren't feeling jealous, then, don't worry about it. Not all of us react the same way. I have on occasion called myself "jealousy deficient" because I was not reacting at all to things that other people felt should be setting me off.

You seem to be handling things. I'd worry more about the travel, too.:)

redpepper 03-07-2012 04:39 AM

You seem set so far, but ya, by all means, keep us in the know as things might change throughout the week.

KyleKat 03-07-2012 09:45 AM

I ended up going to the casino with a friend of mine. We had planned on going tomorrow but I wanted to go tonight because I was nervous about the trip, bored, and didn't want to dwell on things and end up getting upset or something. It's now 3:30 AM and I have to wake up at 7 AM for work. Whoops! The only reason this is important is because when I get tired I get super doomy-gloomy and overreact a lot. I had a brief (~1 min) moment where I got super jealous because I realized she was going to do something with him that she doesn't like doing with me. Then I kinda spaced out because I am exhausted and when I thought about it again I was like, "why does that matter? I don't really like doing that either, and it's more out of necessity than desire." Thought about how far away she was and that made me a little sad, but that's normal I realize.

GirlInGray: I tend to over think a lot of things. One of my biggest flaws is that I read into everything. It takes me a lot of time to overcome things and every second until I do is anguish. So it's a mixture. I had to wait it out, but I also thought about it constantly until I finally came to a conclusion. I'm glad it happened before she went or this would probably have been disastrous. :) I was already driving her insane wanting to talk out every detail all the time.

In the past five years neither of us have really "done our thing". Her getting away for a week was definitely needed for both of us to remain happy and not want to kill each other. Also, I'm the nosiest damn person in the world. I constantly ask her what she's doing or what they're talking about. I don't really care about what it is, I just want to be in on it. I've been trying to find people I can text randomly throughout the day so I don't do that to her, but meh. Right now I'm really trying to figure out how I can resist the urge to ask her a million questions when she comes back. I don't want her to think I'm jealous. I don't know. I need to sleep.

Thanks for everyone's response. I was hoping I wasn't going insane. :)

IsobelR 03-07-2012 01:13 PM

It sounds like you're doing really well :D Congratulations on getting this far! Something to consider, if you've not already discussed it, is how much sharing you each feel comfortable doing about your respective dates. You say you're nosey and want to know what's going on - me too! I like knowing what my other two have been up to when I'm not around. Luckily for me, they also like telling me. You may run into problems if your wife isn't quite so ready to talk, or maybe doesn't want to tell you details to try and spare your feelings or something similar. Maybe have a conversation when she gets back along the lines of 'I really missed you this week and would love to hear aout what you got up to! Hiow much do you feel like sharing with me?' That's harder to construe as you being jealous than asking 101 questions about specific things.

Either way, I hope the rest of the week goes smoothly for you.

(and in answer to your thread title - calmness is fine. Preferable to many other emotions at least!)

KyleKat 03-07-2012 03:38 PM

Woke up this morning exhausted. Staying out that late was dumb. Haha. I kept waking up because I was terrified I'd miss my alarm. A little cranky today but I'm attributing it to the exhaustion instead of the situation. Funny how your fears are magnified when you're dead tired though. Stuff I don't give a crap about ate at me this morning until I told myself just to put it out of my head until I have had some sleep. Still doing good overall. I think I might let her read this thread when she gets back so she can see how I dealt with it.

KyleKat 03-07-2012 06:19 PM

Had a minor panic attack. Hadn't heard from her since the plane landed and I wanted to make sure she had made it to his apt safely. I was sure she was fine but I had sent her a few texts asking her to call and I called and no response or answer. Sent him a text asking him to have her call and she texted saying they were out and she would call later. That made me feel a lot better. I hope she doesn't think I'm being overbearing. Neither if us have been to LA before. Just want her to be safe. Sigh. I need sleep.

redpepper 03-07-2012 07:35 PM

I would suggest being careful about not getting overly tired or spending too much time loaded... I have found that keeping a clear head is the best way to get through tough situations where ones compersion is in jeopardy. Being tired can make everything over dramatized and make me lose my mind over stuff that I wouldn't normally worry about.

KyleKat 03-07-2012 08:38 PM

Yeah, that's where the panic attack came from. It's been off and on all day but I'm keeping myself busy so I don't think about it. This is her vacation. If I pester her the entire time she's gone it's just going to frustrate her so it's best to just let it be.

Thanks! :)

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