Helpless, Hopeless, and Alone
Warning: This posting is highly emotional; these are the current feelings of the author. Please do not be offended or judgmental.
I don't really know where else to post this. I don't really have friends I can talk to--well, that's not true; I do, I just feel like I'm bothering them.
I come into things late. I never knew what masturbation was until I was 21...and it was after my boyfriend at that time had gotten me off a few times and I said I would recreate that feeling by mimicking what he did to me (Yeah, I'm pretty dumb, I guess). After nearly 6 years of marriage, I'm finding that there is a word for me...and it's not "slut" like I've been taught all my life... it's "Polyamorous."
...but is it really?
What if the word for me really is just "slut"? My husband is mono....wholly and unequivocally mono. I've had two partners since we've been married--one I forced on him (his words); the other he chose (his words). In the first case, the guy was way wrong. Yes, I was at fault for that... The husband and I talked about it before I'd gone to visit and established boundaries, but I broke them in the heat of the moment.
However, with this new relationship, I'm having conversat--no, fights--with the husband that have phrases such as, "I was going to give you X, but I've changed my mind..." (i.e., I was going to let [the secondary] spend the night with just you, but I've changed my mind). He'll pull that out in the midst of a fight--and it's not something he's mentioned previously to me as even a possibility. I've also been hearing phrases like, "You have 30 seconds to decide if we're still married." I've not broken any of the rules or violated any trusts or anything... and yet, I'm being told that we're done...well, threatened.
The husband knows I can't live on my own, currently. I work part time and have 3 cats. I can't afford an apartment on my own. I don't have my own, working, car. I go to school part time. My only option would be to have the secondary fly me to Edmonton where he lives (and I really don't want to live in Canada...at least not Edmonton).
Here's where it gets tricky. I feel so completely worthless that I feel like I'd be a drain on the secondary--much like I seem to be on the husband. I feel like I'm the most miserable person in the world--because nothing I want ever happens, or, if it does, there so much negativity surrounding it that it becomes a point of regret and sadness. I'm a strong person, but I can feel myself breaking.
My husband is a sex fiend. I am not; neither is my secondary. I do my best to keep my husband happy, but I simply cannot have sex 5 days a week, 2 or 3 times a day. I feel defeated. I feel helpless. I even e-mailed my secondary to tell him I was giving him the opportunity to walk away from me and find someone worth loving. Because I'm not it. He believes differently.
I'm just so lost right now. I love both men. I feel complete with two lovers; I feel loved, protected, cared for... except, ya know, when the husband starts into one of his rants.
But, maybe he's right. Maybe I really am that bad of a person. I don't do the dishes every day--or even every week; I am perpetually messy. I'm not a sex maven; I don't contribute to the household in any real way... I do the laundry once a week or so...I do pay the bills when I get paid...I try to produce songs in the hopes someone, somewhere will hear it and actually give me a chance...
Sorry for the long, rambling, depressing post. I just needed to get everything out...and I think I did. Mostly.
Second: No, you're NOT a slut. Or worthless.
Third: I'm so, SO sorry you find yourself in this situation. He sounds emotionally abusive, "punishing" you and threatening you like that. You are under no obligation to have ANY sex with him, let alone only when he wants to or on his time table.
It's not my place to say whether or not he loves you, but I can say that from what you've posted he does not seem to be acting in a loving manner towards you. A loving person wouldn't be trying to make you feel like a bad person. I'm perpetually messy too, and sometimes it annoys my husband, especially as I'm home with the kids while he works, but he ASKS me to work on changes. Being messy in no way makes you a bad person. It just makes you, well, messy.
Also, in regards to living on your own, plenty of students with part-time jobs find roommates to make rent. It IS possible, even if you have no other friends or family locally that you can crash with. No offense to your other guy, but I wouldn't want to live in Edmonton either!
I definitely think therapy, both individual and couples, is needed for you both. If he doesn't want to, then you at least need to go for yourself to get you out of the mental space you're currently in. Helpless and hopeless are horrid feelings, but they don't have to last forever. And you are most definitely NOT alone!
Oh sweetie, you are not alone. From what you have said it sounds like your husband has some major control issues that manifest whenever the situation doesn't go as he would like. Saying those things to you is not loving. It is transparent manipulation on several levels. He wants to control your feelings, but also your actions. He cannot control the first, and he can only control the second if you let him.
To be fair, his lashing out sounds like a lot of fear and insecurity - and he is most definitely deflecting those feelings towards you. If he wants to have a lasting relationship with you then he needs to find another way to express his worries. Threatening you all of the time leads to an almost certain outcome - eventually it just isn't a threat anymore because the constant state of "will he leave me" is going to drive you mad. Being left is probably what HE fears most, but he cannot face that.
There is a lot going on here - you need to spend some time with people who remind you that you are worthy and lovable. Your feelings are valid and not subject to anyone's approval! If you are craving contact with this other man (and no wonder) it is probably because he makes you feel cherished. There is nothing wrong with that! We all deserve it.
When you are ready (and I hesitate to give this advice, but keep it in mind) you need to diffuse these threats your husband is making. Next time he says, "decide in 30 seconds if we are still married" you need to point it back at him and remind him that you are being honest about your feelings throughout this process. He needs to accept you as you are - so HE NEEDS TO DECIDE, not you. You have already decided to be with him, why is he still looking for validation of that unless he fears that you will do the leaving? Remind him that you are with him by CHOICE, not because you can't make it on your own. And of COURSE you can make it on your own. It would not be easy, but don't (PLEASE PLEASE) give him that kind of power over you. That is crossing into a very unhealthy area for you both.
I hope things get better for you. We are here for you any time!
This is the e-mail exchange between myself and the secondary...It sucks because I don't want him to leave, but I really think it'd be best for him. But, I also shouldn't be dictating that to him. He's a big boy (37 this year; husband is 47; and I'm 34). And, here again, I'm feeling badly about posting all this because, really, you guys and gals don't know me from a brick in the road...why would you even care? *sigh* Sorry.
I am having difficulty believing you love me as much as you say. I know it's stupid and silly, but... it's a big deal to me. I'm the same person with you that I am with [the Husband] ... but... you...I just don't understand how you can *not* react to me in the same way he does...how you can *not* be upset with me...how you can *not* yell at me... I've got to be the most miserable person in the world and I know one of my biggest fears is hurting you...but, another is totally ruining your life by being in it. I really don't know what to do. I'm not saying I'm severing ties with you; I'm not saying I'm breaking up with you; I'm not even saying I'm not going to spend as much time with you... I'm just saying I think I'm the biggest mistake you'll ever make in your life and I'm giving you the opportunity to walk away. No questions asked. No hurt feelings. I want you happy.
My love...the only explanation I can give you as to why I react differently then [the Husband] is simply that I am not him. I know you think horrible things about yourself but I just don't see them. I see a beautiful person that I love spending time with. Whether that is in person or through a computer screen, I cherish every moment.
I don't know what's got you so down on yourself today but know that I love you. We can talk about this more after work if you want. And if Ivan do or say anything to help you, please know you only have to ask.
Please, let's talk about this. I don't want you to hurt...
How can I *not* be? Self-realization, I suppose... I'm more work than I'm worth. I've heard that phrase enough in my life....finally starting to think it's true.
Nothing that I think will make me happy ever happens....and, if it does, there's usually so much negativity surrounding it, I become resentful. I'm terrified that it'll happen with you. I want you in my life *so much*....but, I'm scared at the price I'll likely have to pay to have you....which means no matter how wonderful things become....there will always be a sadness around it.... and that hurts me like you wouldn't believe. You leaving hurts to think about, but you staying also carries some degree of anxiety and mental overhead... I *want* to be wrapped in your arms, but I'm afraid to be. I need both you and [the Husband] and I know it's hard to understand .... probably even difficult to deal with.
....which is why I said, I'm giving you the opportunity to walk away....into a better life...into a woman who's worthy of you. I'll cry, I'll say goodbye....and I will continue to love you, but you'd have to promise me you'd be happy. I just simply don't deserve someone as amazing as you. Not with as screwed up as I am. It doesn't stop me from wanting you, though...
Wow. Apologies for the meltdown. I have no idea what's going on with me. I'm not normally that depressed or... whatever. Obnoxiously self-centered.
Thank you for the responses that actually gave hope. I seriously wish I could hug you all. I could go into theories on that meltdown, but it would go into metaphysical stuff and this isn't really the forum for that.
Anyway, for those that could have potentially been worried to a small degree that I would do something incredibly stupid, fear not. I live still and my annoying presence shall try your patience for much longer! :D
...just when you thought you were rid of me...
Honestly? I've been insanely busy. I'm working on finishing a Master's degree, starting a Doctorate, plus maintaining a blog about the Blood Type Diet.
..and I may have been drinking a bit...
Tonight I, as the manager for an internet radio station The Cape Radio, did a tribute show for the members of G4S Cash Solutions who died last week, and also their manager (my bf). He hasn't really spent a lot of time with me over the past few months and my Hubby says, basically, that he deserves more than what I give because he didn't *choose* a poly lifestyle.....
...then there's me who's feeling sorta...tapped out. As an empath, wife, and girlfriend, I'm feeling alone, honestly. I'm feeling like *no one* is meeting my needs because my bf "always" has to work and my dh "always" feels like he's not getting what he wants from me.
...and heaven forbid I start my cycle.....
Please help? I know I have't posted in awhile. I think about you all often! There's been a lot of change/upheaval in my life and I'm looking for a place to deal with it to absolutely no avail .... :-(
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