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-   -   sparing feelings.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22058)

polypenguin 03-06-2012 01:58 PM

sparing feelings....
 
so the girlfreind and I decided we were going to try poly a while ago, we played around once, and it upset her to no end. She wants to take things slow to help her not break heeself. I on the other hand feel like i'm ready and wanting more.

I guess what I need help with is how do I feel fulfilled in this relationship while not being able to do anything with anyone else? What is a good middle ground? Is it too much to ask for just the abillity to sleep with one or two (previously discussed) people? I need my freedom, I need to push boundaries. How do I push mine and not hers?

KyleKat 03-06-2012 02:19 PM

The common rule is that you go at the pace of the slowest person. It's a good rule for swinging, poly, mono, golf, new board games, you see where I'm going with this?

If there is one specific person you like and would want to be with then talk to her about that one person. Be prepared to be told no. Getting frustrated will only slow things down. There's no rush here. Just take it a day at a time.

polypenguin 03-06-2012 03:48 PM

I know I have to slow down to spare her feelings, but how do I do it while sparing mine as well.

nycindie 03-06-2012 05:03 PM

Invest more fully in the relationship you already have. No person ever stays the same and every relationship evolves and changes. She isn't the same person you met years ago; get to know her all over again.

Talk more, hone your communication skills, see where needs aren't being met, romance her, ask yourself where your feelings can deepen, examine your impatience and see where that's coming from, figure out what kinds of boundaries and agreements you'd want in a poly relationship and discuss them. These things take time -- just because you want it now doesn't mean it's best for you to have it now. Make an agreement to revisit the poly discussion down the road a bit. And keep in mind that Genebean might not ever feel comfortable with poly, and she doesn't have to agree to it, which means then that you both have some important choices in front of you.

redpepper 03-06-2012 11:38 PM

When I first said "go at the pace of the slowest" it stuck and I wish it hadn't simply because I don't think people are slow. They are struggling, but not slow. Slowing down to accommodate their pace is "going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most." Emotions, fears, threats and conditioning take time to experience and work through.

Its not a matter of just saying "no" to the question "Is it too much to ask for just the ability to sleep with one or two (previously discussed) people?" Its a matter of learning how to balance ones needs and desires with integrity, honest and open communication and consideration (empathy). Your freedom is important, sure, but, in my opinion, it isn't freedom if its at the expense of another. True freedom lies in committing to the stability and health of all those in your life by acting and thinking in ways that accommodate them and still move you closer to your goals. Its a journey of treating others as you would like others to treat you (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Rule).

feelyunicorn 03-07-2012 02:29 AM

Do you live in separate households? Do you see each other everyday?

How about suggesting a middle-of-the-road approach between "tell-all" and "don't-ask-don`t-tell."

In other words, if you have an isolated instance of casual sex during "me time", you can keep it to yourself. If you develop feelings for someone, you "tell", and first ask your partner's permission before physical contact.

I also see nothing wrong with asking her for a ballpark estimation of when she thinks she might be ready, how both of you can work toward it, and if there`s anything you can do to help. I think that is a balanced compromise between your feelings and hers.

Depending on what can be agreed upon, at least tentatively, both of you can gauge how compatible you are moving forward.


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