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-   -   new poly from Wisconsin, thinking im gonna be ok (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22038)

balance2134 03-05-2012 10:18 PM

new poly from Wisconsin, thinking im gonna be ok
 
I'm a 29 year old straight male with a wife. We have decided to have an open marriage. I'm ok with the idea of finding satisfaction both sexually and emotionally from multiple sources but I think my wife has a different view. She suggested the idea after there was an issue with her cheating. I told her it wasn't the act of her sleeping with someone else that bothered me it was the fact of her hiding it from me. I told her the honesty has to be open and complete but she feels that there shouldn't be any questions asked as long as we are being safe. She feels all she has to do is saying she's going out and I'm supposed to accept it. So here I am to find information and meet like minded people so I find out if I'm crazy or not for wanting her to just let me know if there is someone else.

polypenguin 03-05-2012 10:51 PM

hey there

I tend to think this is a lack of communication issue, and not so much anything else. Many poly folks sit down and hammer out their feelings, and boundaries into one (or usually far more than one) sitting. Tell your wife she doesn't need to feel guilty about telling you her attractions/sex life with others.

balance2134 03-05-2012 11:32 PM

I don't think it's guilt. I think she truly feels its none of my business

dingedheart 03-06-2012 12:09 AM

Why do you think she has a different view?

did you seek some counseling after the cheating?

who idea was it to open the relationship? ...Was it thought to be a solution to the infidelity?

Are you actively seek or have a secondary partner ?

balance2134 03-06-2012 12:23 AM

I think her view is different because after recently watching a documentary on poly relationships we starting discussing the subject again and when I stated that I'm ok with the lifestyle as long as she didn't hide anything from me she stated that she just believes to even let me know she is going on a date with someone else is unnecessary. She should just be able to say she's going out and that's it. I then sad I just don't want you to lie to me and she took offense and no longer wanted to talk. We did seek counseling after her cheating and rebuilt the trust in my eyes and it was her idea initially but it was something already in my mind. I am actively seeking a partner I just haven't met anyone who can handle the complexity of the situation

dingedheart 03-06-2012 07:40 PM

In the original post you said you're alright with finding both sexual and emtional satisfaction from others ....but you didn't think your wife had that view....or did I get that wrong.

It sounds like she has no interest in communications about these other partners.

Which is a problem if that's something that would make this work for you.

How long have you been married. Is this both your 1st.

Does she have a partner yet....or gone on dates?

balance2134 03-07-2012 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 127823)
In the original post you said you're alright with finding both sexual and emtional satisfaction from others ....but you didn't think your wife had that view....or did I get that wrong.

It sounds like she has no interest in communications about these other partners.

Which is a problem if that's something that would make this work for you.

How long have you been married. Is this both your 1st.

Does she have a partner yet....or gone on dates?

Oh I stated it incorrectly. I meant her view is different on what it means to be open. We have been married just over a year and it's both of our first marriage and open relationship. I think she's actively seeking just not informing me that she is. Which you are correct in saying its a major factor to make it work for me
I need her honesty to maintain the trust in our primary relationship

dingedheart 03-07-2012 05:22 PM

How long was the dating process? How many years have you been together?

Has she read any of stories here on this site.

I see several red flags in this for you.

1) Her integrity... cheating with in the first year. Your health and safety are at risk by her decisions and habits. So trust is a really big deal.

2) Communications issue. Shutting down at this early stage.

3) secret separate lives ....they spill over on each other

balance2134 03-07-2012 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 127922)
How long was the dating process? How many years have you been together?

Has she read any of stories here on this site.

I see several red flags in this for you.

1) Her integrity... cheating with in the first year. Your health and safety are at risk by her decisions and habits. So trust is a really big deal.

2) Communications issue. Shutting down at this early stage.

3) secret separate lives ....they spill over on each other

We dated for 2 years before getting married

dingedheart 03-08-2012 04:25 PM

Have the two of you had a chance since your original post to talk and map out a plan as to how to move forward?


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