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-   -   Getting burnt out on a lover (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22032)

Bless 03-05-2012 04:52 PM

Getting burnt out on a lover
 
I'm dating two wonderful men, Steve and Jack. Steve and I have been together almost 4 years, and we've been long-distance from the start. Jack and I have been together over 3 years, local all that time, and we moved in together about 2 years ago.

About 5 months ago, Steve had a big career decision to make, and with my encouragement he ultimately chose to take a lower paying job in my city rather than a higher paying job even further away than he already was. He and I were both thrilled that we'd finally be local to each other! He now lives a few minutes away from Jack and I, and we are able to hang out all the time.

Well. Turns out that I get burned out on Steve's company kind of quick. This was a shock to me, because I've never experienced getting burned out on a lover before. Jack and I spend loads of time together and it works great. And for the first 2 weeks after Steve moved here, I couldn't get enough of him. But now it seems that only a relatively small amount of time with him each week is enough for me. I can't really handle more than that. It's not caused by conflict or anything, it's just... a feeling of burn-out, of needing space from him.

I feel so guilty for encouraging him to move here, only now to find out that maybe our relationship is better suited to being long-distance. It is not that I love him less, but I do want less time with him. The worst part is that I haven't talked to him about this yet. I know I should be honest about my feelings, but I cringe at the thought of telling him, "I just get tired of you quickly, dear."

redpepper 03-05-2012 09:53 PM

Communication is hard when its something like this situation. I don't think you have to tell him you are burned out on him. I would suggest that maybe you are burned out on having two lovers who are now in the same city. I have three in the same city and my burn out level runs high. I love all of them dearly. But there is only so much "being together" I can manage if I don't remember to look after my most important relationship; the one with my self.

I think if I were in your situation I would sweetly tell him that you are so pleased he is closer to you and that you love him; that now he lives near its time to create some agreements around how much time you spend together and how long that time is. Its completely reasonable to ask for this I think. Reasonable and healthy for all of you.

For me a date once a week and an over night was good for me and Mono (we live together now). PN I lived with and we organize time together daily. With Derby we have a date a month (about) coffee dates every couple of weeks and socialize together with our friends. I had a bf that I only saw once a month and spoke to via text every couple of days. It really depends on what works for both of you. Try something out and go from there with more or less time as indicated by what works for you both.

nycindie 03-06-2012 04:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bless (Post 127682)
But now it seems that only a relatively small amount of time with him each week is enough for me. I can't really handle more than that. It's not caused by conflict or anything, it's just... a feeling of burn-out, of needing space from him.

I feel so guilty for encouraging him to move here, only now to find out that maybe our relationship is better suited to being long-distance.

I don't understand how spending time with him every week is "suited for long distance." Do you, for some reason, have the idea that all committed loving relationships means you have to see someone every day? Plenty of people have great relationships with people they see only once or twice a week, or every other week.

He may just be the sort of person whose needs require that you spend a great deal of emotional/psychological/physical energy to be with him. It's not a bad thing to recognize that you want less time with him. While I don't recommend telling him you're "burnt out" on him, it would seem perfectly fine to me to say that you want some more time to yourself every week and would rather see him a little less often. You can say you want to keep yourself from burning out and would like things to stay fresh between you, that you have other commitments in your life that need your attention, too, and you need more time to devote to them. It's really not that big a deal nor that hard a thing to ask for.

dingedheart 03-06-2012 05:57 AM

What happened to radical honesty. If she feels burnt out and that most accurately describes her feeling then why not. And if he's basing career decisions off of this relationship all the more reason he should know the truth no matter how painful that may be. Sounds like the whole point of taking the job was to spend more time and deepen the relationship. Not take a pay cut and go back to the old dating routine.

How old is he?

nycindie 03-06-2012 06:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 127755)
Sounds like the whole point of taking the job was to spend more time and deepen the relationship. Not take a pay cut and go back to the old dating routine.

It's a matter of perspective. How is seeing someone once or twice a week "the old dating routine?" That is still quite frequent, especially when you're with someone who has other partners. Adults have lives, jobs, friends. I just don't understand how a few times a week is considered insubstantial. There are only seven days in a week. Deepening a relationship, I think, would rely on quality time, not necessarily quantity of time.

And no one is saying to lie, but to be compassionate. Yeah, to say one feels burnt out by juggling multiple relationships and a full schedule is fine, but to tell him his company burns her out sounds a little harsh.

dingedheart 03-06-2012 06:47 AM

Cindie,

It's not a matter of prospective. Read the op again. She found that he's ok in very limited and small doses. Now She's burnt out.

There was clearly talk of how much time would be available if he decided to take the job.....was it 2 nights a week?? Or something greater ? If2 dates was the expectation then no problem. What was the expectation for time/ dates.?
How will that differ from this new plan?

Did she sell one thing and he now bought something different?

Id rather have the harsh truth if I might be basing my decisions on this relationship.

My meaning for " old routine" was...fall back to what she can tolerate being around him.

redpepper 03-06-2012 07:10 AM

I think it might be too early to tell if this is burnec out or just struggling to juggle time and energy. If this were a year after he moved there and they had a set schedule of visits and dates and she was saying she is burnt out, then I would suggest she tell him that, apologize and break up with him, but it isn't... its a short amount of time since he moved there... they spent tons of time together at the beginning and now she seems to need a break. That makes total sense to me.

To me it doesn't seem valid that she is burned out for the long haul because there has been no long haul, so why say something that is unclear and hurtful if it could be untrue. She could destroy a perfectly good relationship simply because she needed a break to regroup and come up with some better boundaries.

On the other hand, usually someone who is burned out is done. If that is the case then why beat around the bush. Say good bye and sorry, but it wasn't what she thought it would be.

urmila 03-06-2012 07:35 AM

I agree with Redpepper. Might be this short period after Steve moved in was something similar to a honeymoon immediately after the wedding when u stay together all the 24 hrs together. and as we know honeymoon cant last for ever and a regular schudle will be worked for coming back to normal everyday life. It doesnot mean that the couple's relationship is "burnt out" . It is correct that it involves a bit of rescheduling for the long haul

dingedheart 03-06-2012 01:25 PM

Wow ....I went off the title . BURNT out.

Not I need a little space...or a break. I assumed this wasn't her first dating experience. ......poly or otherwise so that she would know the possible difference between ....break time and burnt time.

Perfectly good relationship....what are you lookin at.

nycindie 03-06-2012 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 127791)
Wow ....I went off the title . BURNT out.

Not I need a little space...or a break.

???

The OP has been in a long-distance relationship with Steve for four years, and then:
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bless (Post 127682)
He now lives a few minutes away from Jack and I, and we are able to hang out all the time.

...for the first 2 weeks after Steve moved here, I couldn't get enough of him. But now it seems that only a relatively small amount of time with him each week is enough for me. I can't really handle more than that. It's not caused by conflict or anything, it's just... a feeling of burn-out, of needing space from him.

I don't think she wants to toss away four years and say she's burned out on the whole thing to call it quits just yet - they went from LDR to being together all the time. That is a big change to make.

OP, it would appear to me to be an adjustment period, and you two just need to ascertain how much time you want to spend together. But Dinged did ask some very good questions in one of his posts, regarding expectations. What were they?

I'm also wondering if Steve has other relationships too.


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