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-   -   Are tears a sign of love? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22018)

Truebrooke 03-05-2012 01:20 AM

Are tears a sign of love?
I've had many experiences with Adam (see below for explanation) where I well up with tears....It seems magnetic almost, like when I'm in close proximity to him tears get pulled out of me. Sometimes they seem beautiful and sourced from our shared past, sometimes they feel out of fear or anger and confusion, sometimes mourning, sometimes celebration, mostly all of those mixed together. I get frustrated though that I end up crying, and not saying what's on my mind. Is this a defense mechanism of sorts? Why does Adam "make me cry"? Are overwhelming tears a reliable indicator of _______?

I read bit of the book "True Love" by thich nhat han the other day, and though I can't remember it exactly, the gist of the quote was that "if love always makes you cry it's not love, perhaps it's even the opposite".

I'm wondering if other people have experienced magnetic/overwhelming tears with certain partners. I'm feeling confused as to whether it's a sign of deep love and longing for Adam (fear of losing him, etc.) or a sign that I should be more distanced from him.

I have yet to cry around Alexander (my latest boyfriend). In contrast I feel healthy and strong around him. I don't feel the almost choking weakness of tears like with Adam.
Adam tells me that he loves me deeply, and I literally get chocked up, and can hardly breathe. Is this because I have deep wounds that make it hard for me to accept/believe his love? Or is it because I am still angry he hasn't shown love at times in the way I needed it?

Thoughts? Experiences? Questions I could be asking myself?

Jade 03-05-2012 01:51 AM

My husband told me yesterday, as we discussed what appears to be the end stage of long-term relationship with another couple, "We should have ended it six months in, when I saw how much you cried."

If yours tears consist primarily of frustration, sadness, and anger, I would suggest that the relationship isn't healthy. When someone's presence in your life constantly weighs you down emotionally... there's something wrong.

drtalon 03-05-2012 02:09 AM

I think it can mean bad or good things.

When we experience overwhelming emotions, whether good or bad, we can react in ways we don't expect or understand. I was extremely happy and blissed out with first-time triad energy over xmas a few years back, and for no reason at all turned into a angry, screaming, crying lunatic. I was so happy, I literally didn't know how to handle it all. My emotional "muscles" got exhausted and I crashed. That's why I think crying may not always be a bad thing, even if you don't understand it.

Whatever emotions are bottled up from the past can matter, too. It's possible to be crying about past stuff once you're in a happy emotional place because you have emotional "space" to process things. It could be a sign of your self-protective barriers coming down. That you really trust the person you're with.

Of course, I had another partner who was severely depressed and frequently cried without a specific reason. She just felt comfortable enough around me to let it out, but it wasn't something that she could work out herself.

Introspect. Give yourself time to examine your thoughts and emotions. It's the only way I know to figure yourself out. If you get tired of that, that's when you should probably seek out professional help.

redpepper 03-05-2012 05:11 AM

I dunno, it doesn't seem odd to me. I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry at the beauty of rain drops on the plum blossoms. I cry at the hugeness of my love for many things and many sad things too.... I say just cry and let it be. I don't see any reason for concern.

nycindie 03-05-2012 05:21 AM

Sometimes tears are just how we were taught to respond to certain situations, like expressing something we find difficult to say. I know that I was taught (by example) to cry at times of stress or whenever I had to face a conflict. Like, you know you're not supposed to cry in the office when your boss gives you a bad review but start blubbering anyway, because ya really don't want to hear it. I have stopped myself while crying and realized that the tears were connected with a thought process rather than my actual emotions. I think it's a big part of how women are taught to handle confrontation or difficult situations even when those situations are pleasant. There is a palpable difference to the quality of tears when they really are genuinely connected to feelings one experiences in the moment and not out of some thoughts of insecurity, fear of something, ideas we have of romance, and so on.

Truebrooke 03-07-2012 07:50 PM

Thank you to everyone who's responded so far.....more to think about. I really appreciate knowing there are other people navigating these wonderful and weird relationship....
On one had I identify wth Jade's comment and think that perhaps my relationship with Adam is too emotionally draining...at least at times, to be healthy.
But I also feel elements of what drtalon was saying about feeling safe enough or things to get space.
This week has been full of lovely simple times with Alexander, which are un-tearful and seem to ground be back in a stable place. It's a blessing to me right now to have these two men in my life (they know about the other, and have met briefly).....

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