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-   -   Jealousy article (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22015)

redpepper 03-04-2012 11:13 PM

Jealousy article
Here is a pretty good article on jealousy for those of you struggling with it. Hope its helpful and interesting.

polypenguin 03-05-2012 03:41 PM

good article, it is almost a systems approach to jealousy. Remove the underlying causes, you remove the problem.

redpepper 03-05-2012 04:09 PM

http://polyskeptic.com/2012/03/04/je...and-polyamory/ here is another one.

Letitbe 03-07-2012 04:57 AM

Wow, thank you for sharing the article! Looks like I have been trying to overcome the wrong thing. What I thought was jealousy was actually envy. That's really going to change how I approach things. It's kind of mind blowing because I always thought I struggled with jealousy, but envy fits so much better into what I've been feeling.

redpepper 03-07-2012 05:10 AM

Glad it helped. I'm hoping to add more.

InfinitePossibility 03-07-2012 07:57 AM

I really really like the first article.

And parts of the second - but I do wonder about the notion that things like children playing with toys on their own doesn't deal with jealousy?

I'd kind of say - yes and no. Depends on how them playing together is dealt with. My sis has 3 kids and sometimes outbursts of jealousy over books or toys are dealt with by the thing being taken from the jealous kid. So far as I can see, this doesn't help with the feeling of jealousy.

The kid is still upset that their thing has been taken from them and given to one of the others but they can't do anything about it. Next time, they are careful to keep away from the others with their thing or to physically fight them off if the adults aren't watching. Probably when they grow up, there will be a similar attitude toward partners!

If it was me, I'd make sure I had more versions of toys and books than there are kids if I wasn't actively supervising. And when I was, I'd make sure that the sharers were rewarded with something good for letting their siblings have stuff. I reckon that eliminating jealous is probably going to be more effective if sharing is a rewarding experience rather than if possession is a horrible one. It's kind of what I do with the dogs!

Other friends of mine have a single child. She mostly plays on her own and has full access to all of her toys at home. But when her friends come round to play, she shares quite happily. She doesn't repeatedly go through the pain of having valued possessions taken from her and given to others.

Of course, things are easier for her parents because she is on her own. They don't have a constant refereeing job to do. And when other kids are round, they are able to watch and give their child lots of praise and attention (which she loves) when she does share nicely.

Interestingly, her parents have had poly relationships in the past although they are mono now. My sis is totally a serial monogamist - she doesn't share!

It'll be interesting to see how the kids all are when they grow up.


nycindie 03-07-2012 02:58 PM

Hey, RP, are you wanting to have a bunch of links to jealousy articles in this thread? I ask because you had started another thread last year where you posted a link to an article about jealousy, and I added a few links to it. I think someone else did too. It was starting to become a cool discussion. Here it is:

jealousy article

Maybe you can combine these so the earlier thread doesn't get forgotten. I like combined threads, have you noticed? ;)

redpepper 03-07-2012 07:38 PM

I could I guess. I just haven't had time... I didn't want to forget to post. Maybe some day.

Yes, links to jealousy articles might be helpful here or on any "like" threads. As long as they are all tagged with similar tags... anyone can find them.

Lexithegeek 03-07-2012 11:18 PM

These articles are great. I really love the first one and how it explains that envy is not the same as jeliousy, and that there are different ways to approching each. In the second one the line "The love you have for someone is because of who they are, a and should not be dependent on whom else loves them or who they love" really struck me. That line does a fantastic job showing how irrational jeliousy is.

Thanks for sharing.

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