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-   -   How "out" are you? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=220)

nikkiana 05-08-2009 02:56 AM

How "out" are you?
For those of you who are currently in polyamorous relationships, how "out" are you to other people that you have more than one partner? Do you tell everybody? Only on a need to know basis? What's your criteria for sharing that sort of information?

redpepper 05-08-2009 03:10 AM

I am out to everyone except my parents and my husbands. I suspect that it is only a matter of time as it is hard to hide a third person at our house all the time, but I am trying to hold off until the fall to tell them.

All my co-workers know and friends. Our family takes care of our child and is a huge help with many aspects of our life. We also are a huge help in their lives and have a lot invested in their presence in our lives. Up until now the loves I have had have been friendships with benefits, but now I am deeply in love and I know it will be for the long haul, it is vastly important that they take this seriously and with that will be the ability to tell them it has been on going for sometime... this fall will be about 6 monthes... long enough I feel for them to know it is serious.

MonoVCPHG 05-08-2009 03:18 AM

My rule is if someone asks the right question I won't lie. I am out to my primary social circle, one family member (my sister), and one co-worker. There are few people I really feel the need to hold off on. I feel so natural in this that it doesn't seem a big deal at all. I am in love with a beautiful person who has a wonderful family. I am a positive in thier lives and they are in mine. I couldn't care less what anyone thinks. If they had any idea of the purity and intensity of love I have they wouldn't judge or question..they would be jealous :)

nikkiana 05-08-2009 05:03 AM

My rule also is if someone asks, I won't lie. I'm out online... anyone who knows how to use google and can read could probaby eventually figure out that I'm poly if they were so inclined to dig for it. The username I use here is the same that I use everywhere, even in professional contexts (I do web development, and I telecommute... and most of my business is picked up from online social networking). So, for the most part I consider myself to be out in professional circles... I might not say it outright to everyone, but it's not a big secret either... and in the community that I work within, it's not proved to be a big deal.

I'm not currently out to my parents, but they have met my boyfriend (Dino) on several occasions. I'm not entirely sure why I'm not comfortable coming out to them, but the dynamic of my relationship with them just doesn't seem to dictate the need to define things. When I introduced Dino to them, I didn't assign him any title like friend or boyfriend, etc. that might indicate how close we were, I just kept it to his name and kept it vague.... and my parents didn't have any inclination to ask any questions even after I was affectionate with both of my partners in front of them. A lot of people think it's a weird dynamic, but it's comfortable for me.

My husband is not out at all to his parents. Likely his father would be fine with it, but he's got a very conservative mother who is also retired who would likely be calling daily to tell us that we're living in sin or somesuch, so for now we've decided to stay closeted to them... BIL and SIL and some cousins might have figured it out because they're friend of mine on Facebook, and I'm not exactly closed about it there.

Dino's been out to his family from the very beginning. Part of that had to do with Facebook (his mom's friends with him on there) and the fact that it just seemed to be the right climate to do so in his family... Within a fairly short timespan, he came out as being in a poly relationship and his sister came out as bisexual.

Neither of the boys are out at work as far as I know...

The question came up in my mind because twice today instances about being out came up...

One, I was at a geek event fairly recently and a woman who works in the same industry that I do and have been fairly professionally friendly with noticed that I was affection with both my husband and boyfriend, and apparently on the second day when I wasn't there, she asked about it when PB (platonic boyfriend, my gay best friend) was helping her fix her computer. He wasn't entirely sure how to respond but he told the truth (which is what I would have done), and wanted to warn me just in case she brought it up to me so it wasn't a surprise.

The second time it came up was because my husband has been looking for a job, and Dino IMed me this afternoon to tell me that his department at his company had an opening that my husband would be a good fit for (husband is miserable at his job, and they've started laying people off, so he's concerned things aren't stable... so Dino's been on the lookout for him in general) and wanted to ask whether he should submit the copy of husband's resume... and in the process of telling me about this, we started talking about "What ifs..." and suddenly Dino, who in general is a very out person about labeling what Husband and I are to him, realized that if Husband got the job it might be awkward to explain to his coworkers that they know each other because they're both involved with the same woman. :lol:

redpepper 05-08-2009 02:09 PM

wow, your life sounds like mine!
such a breath of fresh air from all the other more pressing issues that sem to come up on here.
I kinda manage things the same way and just tell it like it is if someone asks or if I know that someone will notice that I have a man on a motorbike visiting me at work and then go out for lunch with another man and kiss him.

CDarklock 05-08-2009 07:00 PM

I'm completely shameless. If you hang around me, you'll see what I'm doing; if you ask about it, I'll tell you. Most people don't ask. Most ignorance is willful.

cosand 05-09-2009 11:47 AM

I tell those I trust can understand and accept it. With certain members of my family, it is a dont ask dont tell situation.

vampiresscammy 05-09-2009 05:02 PM

out to all my friends, out to any family who've asked, i don't work out of the home so thats not an issue for me, hubby is out to his friends, tho i don't beleive any co workers know, but he doesnt have any other loves at the moment so its not really an issue either

basically for us, if anyone asks we dont lie, and we only tell friends or perspective new interests, seems to work so far

Lemondrop 05-09-2009 08:20 PM

Well, I haven't had the opportunity to tell anyone yet. :rolleyes: Some of my friends apparently guessed before I did. We will probably tell close friends and let anyone else guess, but I'm not telling my conservative mom or family. We're a quad, though, so we can just be "close couple friends" if we need to. We're in a fairly conservative area, and we all have kids, so I think we're going to be very cautious.

MonoVCPHG 05-09-2009 11:30 PM

Just came out to my parents! My mother's day gift to her...Finally when they ask what I am doing I talk about Redpepper and her family!! Whew..as a sidenote my parents live 4000 miles away so it's easier for me..they won't be knocking on my door HAHA! I love you Redpepper...I can't wait to see what the future holds for all of us :)...unless it's bad...yuk!...just kidding Sunshine.

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