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-   -   Dealing With Suspicion (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21993)

Nerdpower13 03-03-2012 04:41 PM

Dealing With Suspicion
Okay so my wife and I have been together for 2 years. During that time she has cheated on me twice before we opened our relationship, both times with close friends of mine. So I have a very hard time trusting her. It doesn't help that she has also tried to hide a guy she was seeing from me even after we opened our relationship. So recently she has been acting suspicious again. The only way I can ever get her to confess anything is to have proof. So I did something wrong. I logged onto her Facebook and went into her messages. But I once again found my suspicions to be correct. She was talking about sleeping with another of my friends behind my back. I confronted her and she said she hasn't done anything and she was just talking about it. But I don't know if I can trust her. She has given me every reason to distrust her in the past. Plus there are two condoms missing from our drawer. I was basically told that I have this week to decide if I can trust her or not and if I can't trust her then we can't be together. I want to trust her. I love her and want to be with her. But I can't trust her when she keeps lying over and over again.

feelyunicorn 03-03-2012 05:11 PM

I`m sorry about your situation. My limit is...3-strikes, you`re out (Mets fan :D). I wish you luck.


Edit: Just so it doesn`t sound arbitrary or douchey...the reason for my limit is this --- the first time around, I will communicate to whomever it is that I feel what they did is wrong and why. The second time around, I will tell them that the next time that happens it will put an end to our relationship. And, the third time, I will break off contact.

But, when it comes to cheating...the house would probably come crashing down the first time around. And, the reason for that is because I have put a tremendous amount of work into not being a cheater. I think a lot of the behavior from people around me encourage cheating (women are typically interested in me most when I have a partner, partners who will "test" me by being bitchy, people who are non-monogamous in practice yet will never agree to consensual non-monogamy, etc.), yet I made the conscious decision not to. I have been lonely, I have let people I had strong feelings for go, because I did not want to be a cheater.

So...everyone who`s in a relationship with me will know how much of a deal-breaker it is from the bat. To use another baseball jargon. ;)

JaneQSmythe 03-03-2012 05:15 PM


Originally Posted by Nerdpower13 (Post 127502)
... I can't trust her when she keeps lying over and over again.

No, you can't (or, at least, I don't think I could)

It's not that people can't change - we probably all change a little every day - but an intention to change is not the same as having accomplished that change. If you have seen a pattern of behavior in the past and no indication, other than her words, that her behavior has changed, then I would at least be skeptical. Trust, once broken, takes time and establishing a new pattern of actual changed behavior to heal, IMHO.

ThatGirlInGray 03-03-2012 09:32 PM

So in the 2 years you've been together she's cheated on you TWICE, AND tried to hide a guy she was seeing once your relationship was open? To me, not only does she struggle with the concept of honesty, but there's NO way she's put in enough time to rebuild trust after breaking it that many times in that short a period and is in no position to dictate how long YOU have to decide if you can trust her again. Actions have consequences, and if she can't deal with the consequences of her actions in these cases that's her problem, not yours. It's up to HER to give you ample evidence that she can be trustworthy, and if she hasn't at this point that's on her, not you. If she had cheated, say, 5 years ago but everything had been fine since then and you were still mistrustful, I could sympathize with her giving you that ultimatum, but at this point I don't feel she has a leg to stand on. It may be that she actually wants out of the relationship but is manipulating the situation to make it seem like it's your decision to break-up and put the guilt of that on you while being able to play the "victim". But that's my own experience and bias talking and hopefully doesn't apply to your situation at all.

AnnabelMore 03-03-2012 09:49 PM

So, you have proof that she was taking the first steps in cheating on you yet again and rather than be apologetic or remorseful she gives YOU an ultimatum? No. It sucks to think about tossing out two years together, but that is ridiculous.

drtalon 03-03-2012 10:45 PM


I love her and want to be with her.
One of the things I've learned about life is that loving someone doesn't mean they're good for you or good to be in a relationship with.

dingedheart 03-03-2012 10:56 PM

Why did she give you a week? is it 5 days or 7?

Is this her typical response or tactic when caught or embarrassed to become aggressive?

Why does she have to keep doing this with your friends? What kind of friends do you have that would trade that for romp in the rack. Are any of these guys married and in open relationships?

I think you need a new (different ) wife/ partner and a better class of friends. It looks from the outside that you're being played as the chump...and she clearly doesn't understand that everything she's done and CONTINUES to do makes trust difficult. Its earned ....NOT given.

Nerdpower13 03-03-2012 11:47 PM

The first time she cheated on me was right after we got together and she then talked me into being in a V with the guy she slept with. But then he broke up with her and ditched us both for some married chick. The second time we were doing a trial separation because she was at the end of her rope because I had no job or anything and the only reason my friend did it was because she was crying and sobbing and begging him to do it and he felt bad. I'm still friends with him.

bookbug 03-04-2012 06:26 AM


Originally Posted by Nerdpower13 (Post 127529)
The second time we were doing a trial separation because she was at the end of her rope because I had no job or anything

So she wants to separate when you don't have a job. Seems to me that she's not only untrustworthy, but that she also finds it easy to bale when things get tough.

Anneintherain 03-04-2012 06:52 AM

No, you can't trust her. You know this though.
2 years is nothing to walk away from compared to if you put up with this for another decade or so before you start respecting yourself enough to leave.

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