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-   -   How to approach a third? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21965)

Minga1087 03-02-2012 06:00 AM

How to approach a third?
 
I am a 24-year-old bisexual female in a committed relationship with a man, and I am looking for a girlfriend. I also live in a VERY conservative town in Texas, though we plan on moving to Dallas soon where there is a wider community I'm sure. My partner has encouraged me to use bi/lesbian dating sites to meet someone and I have started looking. My question is, how do I approach someone I'm interested in about my situation in a way that doesn't send her running away? Do I even bring it up at first? It was hard enough coming to terms with my bisexuality and putting myself out there to find women in the first place. Now I have to find some incredible woman out there who is okay with the fact that I have a boyfriend. Help please!

sixta 03-02-2012 06:34 AM

it seems so natural... but to most people it's such a foreign concept. i'm a novice myself, but my only suggestion would to be continue to meet new people through all different avenues... and when a special girl comes along, be true to who you are from the start. people surprise you :)

Jericka 03-02-2012 07:44 AM

Put your possible deal breakers up front and mention them soon before you get too much invested. There are people out there for whom poly is a plus, not a detriment, but if they can't see that you are poly then they can't pick you for it.

I have a profile up on OKCupid, and it says in the second sentence that I am poly. I also include a link to a good information site for those that are curious. If the guy is NOT polyamorous or open to it, then I don't want to get attached in the first place. People who are interested are out there, but, it needs to be visible so that they can find you.

The deal breakers being upfront and visible thing is good for other things as well. If you adore your (pets, trombone, favorite food, lover) and won't want to deal with someone who can't handle being around your (pets, trombone, favorite food, lover) then mention it on your profile! People who have similar interests can then find you and you won't spend time getting attached to someone who can't handle that you have a Great Dane, or play the bagpipes, or are married.

Cloud 03-02-2012 12:56 PM

I was in your situation once. . . When I met someone / couple I'd let them know, in words, I was married. If they stayed I'd express my interest in various other ways. :p It worked most of the time.

Good Luck. :)

Magdlyn 03-02-2012 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Minga1087 (Post 127353)
I am a 24-year-old bisexual female in a committed relationship with a man, and I am looking for a girlfriend. I also live in a VERY conservative town in Texas, though we plan on moving to Dallas soon where there is a wider community I'm sure. My partner has encouraged me to use bi/lesbian dating sites to meet someone and I have started looking. My question is, how do I approach someone I'm interested in about my situation in a way that doesn't send her running away? Do I even bring it up at first? It was hard enough coming to terms with my bisexuality and putting myself out there to find women in the first place. Now I have to find some incredible woman out there who is okay with the fact that I have a boyfriend. Help please!

You probably won't meet a lesbian who is interested in a woman in a committed relationship with a man. Better bet is looking for a single or partnered poly bisexual woman such as yourself. I bet they are thin on the ground in Texas, big cities or small town.

To ferret them out, I second joining ok cupid. It's free, and it matches you with people who have similar desires... it's open to queers and polys. Make sure to answer their questions and take a few tests so you can have enough info out there to get a good match.

Good luck. I found a wonderful pansexual poly woman within weeks of joining there. We've been together 3 years. Presently I am also seeing 2 men, one is married and poly, the other is single, kinky and open to me being poly, tho he is new to the concept.

Anneintherain 03-03-2012 09:29 AM

To clarify, are you looking for a girlfriend, or are you looking for a third? Whenever I hear a third, it's a couple looking for an additional person to be involved with both of them, if you're just looking for a girlfriend I'd be clear and not say that you're looking for a "third", or that language could put people off who don't like the couple's looking for unicorns thing.

I say OK cupid too, I find it easier than just meeting people at events and all since I'm shy, but if there are poly group meetings, brunches, or poly groups on meetup.com in your area (hell even non poly groups that are about hobbies you like there), those are good options for meeting people.

OneWingedAngel 03-03-2012 05:33 PM

I was a single lesbian who had a profile on a GLBT site when a married woman took an interest and wrote to me and told me why my profile caught her interest. She told me up front that she was happily married, bi-curious, and had no intention of ever leaving her husband. I don't think she knew at the time whether she wanted a separate relationship with another woman or if she wanted to include the relationship to be with her husband as well. I wasn't interested, but thought that we could still become friends. We continued to write each other and explored our thoughts and feelings. Everything just kind of developed and grew from there.

With her husband's permission, we eventually met and even messed around a bit, but she was feeling guilty about not having her husband included. I eventually opened up to the idea of the 3 of us getting together and we worked on that slowly. She has an amazing husband and family and I am glad to have met them. I love them both, but in different ways. We have had our fair share of ups and downs throughout this relationship for over 6 years. We used to live an hour apart, but now they live practically across the country, so I am not sure what lies in our future for now. I don' t think any of us knew what polyamory was at the start of this relationship.

The point I wanted to make is that labels don't always tell the whole story. Especially if one is still trying to develop, explore or broaden their ideas about what they are looking for in relationships. It was easier for me to identify as a lesbian because I preferred to date women even though I have always been open to the idea of dating men as well. I just don't seem to get attached to men they way I do with women. I always grumble when it comes to labels because I always feel like there is an asterisk involved. Explanations are not always easy, so I just grabbed whatever label was easiest for me to get my point across and figure I'll do the explaining later if someone was interested in hearing me out.

I don't see anything wrong with using GLBT sites (or any other sites for that matter) to possibly meet people. If someone interests you, I think what it comes down to is just letting them know what attracted you to their profile in the first place and then letting them know who you are and be up front about your situation and what you are looking for.

RfromRMC 03-04-2012 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anneintherain (Post 127476)
To clarify, are you looking for a girlfriend, or are you looking for a third? Whenever I hear a third, it's a couple looking for an additional person to be involved with both of them, if you're just looking for a girlfriend I'd be clear and not say that you're looking for a "third", or that language could put people off who don't like the couple's looking for unicorns thing.

Yes, it's a big distinction and of the utmost importance to be clear about. There might might be a few women out there who will go for either, but you're more likely to find them strictly on one side or another of that difference.


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