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-   -   Confused thoughts from a flip flopper (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21962)

Letitbe 03-02-2012 01:55 AM

Confused thoughts from a flip flopper
I am mono and my husband is poly. He has been in both mono and non-mono relationships and said he is happy in either. Before meeting him I was completely mono and didn't think much about poly because it never came up. When I met him and he told me he was poly I had so many emotions going on. I didn't know what to think. I admit I was upset at first and had some jealousy going on. Perhaps because of the way he approached the poly subject. He has this really good female friend, and he told me he was in love with her and wanted to be with her sexually. And that's all he said. Didn't really explain much...and to a mono who knew nothing about poly at the time I started crying and was really upset and confused. Looking back I should have asked him more about it, but I think I was in shock. But, we have had many many conversations about poly since then and I took it upon myself to listen to his take on poly and also educate myself more about it like exploring polyamory.com. Upon learning more about it I realized I am poly too, or at least have the capacity anyway. I could definitely love more than one person equally. I'm still tentative to label myself poly though. Just because I do have the capacity to be poly doesn't mean that it's right for me. I seem to flip flop like every other day. Sometimes I think it would be nice and I could totally do it, but then some days the jealousy monster peeks out and the thought of him being with someone else drives me crazy. The friend he is in love with is married and mono so nothing will happen there. Part of me feels relieved. But part of me feels sad for him that it can't happen. Like I said I flip flop. I have read a lot on jealousy on polyamory.com and morethantwo as well. I know my jealousy is irrational. Logically I know this. But sometimes my emotions outweigh logic. I have been confused as to what my jealousy was for a long time. I wasn't afraid he would leave me. I didn't think he loved her more than me. I didn't think she was better than me. I think I'm simply jealous because he has someone else who loves him romantically and I don't. And I think what's holding me back from trying a poly relationship is fear of rejection, not from my husband, but other possible love interests. I'm afraid he will find all these women interested in him, and nobody will be interested in me. And I know a lot of that has to do with self esteem. I was teased a lot growing up because I look different. I always kind of felt like I wasn't good enough and there were a lot of jerks out there who wouldn't give me a chance. It took me a long time to find a good person like my husband, so I guess thinking about going out in the dating world again is exhausting. But, I think poly would help our marriage in some ways. Our sex drives are very different. Mine is high and his is low. He is never in the mood and I feel like I have to beg for sex. I've tried to be patient, I really really have, but I fear down the line I might start having feelings of anger and resentment at him, and I would hate myself for that. It's not his fault he doesn't have a high drive. I've tried asking him what I could do to get him in the mood and he always says he doesn't know. He has said the thought of me being with someone else turns him on, so maybe poly would improve our sex life. But then there's the issue of finding someone else to be with who is ok with the poly thing. I've poked around sites such as okcupid, plentyoffish, and craigslist, and put on my profile that my husband and I are contemplating a polyamorous relationship (and explained what polyamory was), and there are definitely not many people who would be looking for the type of relationship I would be looking for. If I wanted casual sex I would have no problem. But, I would want to develop a friendship and get to know someone before getting intimate, and the fact that I'm married must be a huge turn off or something because I haven't gotten any replies. So, how would I even find people who would be interested if I would want to have a poly relationship? And is a poly relationship really what I want?

genebean 03-02-2012 04:03 AM

I feel much in the same boat darlin, its an uneasy feeling when the one you love is open to loving someone else. You just have to decide that loving him and accepting him means loving and accepting all of him, including his desires. (speaking to myself here too..) You can obviously decide that this isn't the path for you, but you can't expect your husband to follow and vice versa. Its a difficult decision for sure. Also, a thought that really helps me when i start to struggle is that no matter what situation arises or what you are currently having difficulty with it doesnt by any means take away from your complete awesomeness. You are amazing, incredible, sexy and desirable and anyone would be lucky to spend time with you. It does no good to think the opposite and its very true. I have been making it a point to remind myself of this daily. I sincerely hope things go well for you and if you ever need an ear to bend let me know.:)

Precious1 03-02-2012 05:26 AM

You've got a lot to offer!
I'll only touch on a couple of your points.

"But part of me feels sad for him that it can't happen.
Ah, compersion. Most mono's can't even comprehend that. You're ahead of the game there!

"I'm afraid he will find all these women interested in him, and nobody will be interested in me."
We've met, and no offense to him, even if I wasn't able to appreciate the feminine form, I would still be immensely more interested in spending time with you than him. In all honesty, I know do know some swingers who quit swinging because one partner got more attention, so it is always a risk. But sweetie, you have a lot to offer a potential partner: honesty, intelligence, curiosity, great figure, and I'm sure a heck of a lot more I don't even begin to know about.
As long as your relationship with your DH satisfies you both in enough ways for y'all to stay together, everything doesn't need to be "equal", especially not in number of partners. Sometimes quality of the relationship(s) one may have more than offsets any quantity issues.


Letitbe 03-02-2012 04:51 PM

@genebean: Before we got married we had a serious talk. I asked him if I decided poly wasn't right for me if he still would want to be with me. I would never want him to feel like he was missing out or that I was depriving him of something. If he would have rather been with somebody who was poly, even though it would have hurt like hell, I would have stepped aside because I loved him so much and wanted him to be happy. He insisted, although he is poly, he would be happy in a mono relationship. So, I basically gave him an out, and yet he still wanted to be with me.

@Precious1: Yeah, I do have a rockin bod. ;) Ha.

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