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-   -   ugh. Tough stuff. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21953)

genebean 03-01-2012 07:30 PM

ugh. Tough stuff.
 
I am 21 and have just recently gotten into poly and quite honestly it scares me. My boyfriend and I have been in a closed relationship for 4 years and I lost my virginity to him in the beginning. So as far as it was he's been my experience..I have had sex with one other guy since deciding to go the poly route but It lacked the true connection that I desire. I love the idea of connecting intimately with different people but the practice is difficult. Even more difficult is the idea of my boyfriend doing the same.. I feel like (in theory) if I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I held a special place for him I could be okay with him being with whomever he desires but I feel shaky in that aspect. I feel a little replaceable. I have told him this and he tells me that I am irreplaceable to him and tries to be supportive but I know he's getting impatient. It has only been about 2 or 3 months since we made this decision and I feel rushed. I have a hard time with my self esteem and I realize that this is a big part of it and I'm not sure how to push my boundaries without sacrificing myself. I am not sure if I should tell him to go do what he wants and I'll deal with it but I refuse to be the martyr in the situation. It would hurt me. I am currently talking to a girl and we have met once and traded some pictures and what not..i have been seriously encouraged to pursue this relationship by my boyfriend even though I feel I'm being unfair to him. I just generally feel lost and confused honestly..any advice would be amazing!:confused::confused:

polypenguin 03-02-2012 01:17 AM

I love you baby, and you are irreplacable.

NovemberRain 03-04-2012 06:51 PM

It might be helpful to think of specific behaviours he could do that would make you feel more irreplaceable and loved and cherished. Our feelings are important and they get us all worked up and sometimes it can be hard to get specific. But if all you can name is 'I feel ______about this,' that can be hard him to DO anything about.

But if you said, 'maybe sometimes you could bring me flowers, or surprise me with home-cooked meal' (or whatever makes you happy) then he would have actions to take and you would have 'evidence' (for lack of a better word) of his feelings.

Folks around here recommend the five love languages a lot. I went and took the online test, (even though I thought I knew all that stuff about myself already) and I found it helpful. It really explained why I have the two boyfriends I do. I had a super high score on two of the languages and very low on the other three. One bf is big on one, the other on the other language.

Also, to give you a sense of time perspective. I've known both of my boyfriends for EIGHT YEARS. Eight years before we even considered poly. I'm not saying that everyone should take that long; but I am saying that 2-3 months is not very much at all.

So, maybe you could also do some behaviours that will increase your self-esteem (because you're the only one who can do something about that).

wishing you both the best!

NovemberRain 03-04-2012 07:03 PM

Sorry, I didn't catch that this was a blog. Didn't mean to step on it. I'll refrain in future....

polypenguin 03-05-2012 01:24 AM

no, it's ok, that is the reason she posted, she wants to hear from everyone.

genebean 03-05-2012 01:49 AM

oh, i didn't realize this wasn't an open forum type of thing. I was wondering why i wasn't getting any replies!

genebean 03-05-2012 02:20 AM

Thank you very much for your reply by the way, and I did take the love language quiz. It did shed some light on the matter..thank you for the suggestion! I guess I feel like..I don't know how long it will take me to fix or at very least, better to a point of comfort, my self esteem and is it fair of me to ask him to wait until that happens?

drtalon 03-05-2012 02:26 AM

It's a myth that being monogamous protects you from being replaced. It's the same myth as happily-ever-after.

Once you realize the power of those myths, it's empowering to realize that your partner is free to be with whomever they choose, and they choose to be with you.

nycindie 03-05-2012 05:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NovemberRain (Post 127584)
Sorry, I didn't catch that this was a blog. Didn't mean to step on it. I'll refrain in future....

Quote:

Originally Posted by genebean (Post 127617)
oh, i didn't realize this wasn't an open forum type of thing. I was wondering why i wasn't getting any replies!

Giving feedback is fine in the Blogs section of this forum. It's just not meant to be a place for debate and criticism. From the User Guidelines (always a good place to check out before posting):
Quote:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 16422)
•Respect the Blogs

The "Life Stories & Blogs" board exists for members to chronicle their journeys. It's a place for personal narratives about relationships. While discussion of what's posted is expected, those threads are not a place for open debate--they are personal chronicles. If you read something there that you just have to debate, start a discussion about that topic on the General board. If you try to argue on somebody's personal story thread, the post can be removed at the request of the member who started the thread.

That being said, if you are looking more for advice rather than using this as a sort of journal, that would probably be better suited to the "Poly Relationships Corner" section. You can ask a Moderator to move the thread for you.

nycindie 03-05-2012 05:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by genebean (Post 127297)
I am 21 and have just recently gotten into poly and quite honestly it scares me... I love the idea of connecting intimately with different people but the practice is difficult. Even more difficult is the idea of my boyfriend doing the same... I feel a little replaceable... It has only been about 2 or 3 months since we made this decision and I feel rushed. I have a hard time with my self esteem and I realize that this is a big part of it and I'm not sure how to push my boundaries without sacrificing myself. I am not sure if I should tell him to go do what he wants and I'll deal with it but I refuse to be the martyr in the situation. It would hurt me.

Don't agree to poly if you don't want to! You should never feel coerced or rushed into something that makes you uncomfortable or erodes at your self-esteem. Some couples take a year or two discussing how to live polyamorously before they actually embark on it. It may never be something for you, and that's okay. You don't have to feel obligated to just go along with it.

DON'T force yourself into being with other people sexually when you know you don't really want to (by the way, is your bf only okay with you being with women or will he accept you being with men, too?).

Don't think that, if you do say "okay" to polyamory, that means you both have to jump right in bed with someone else. Poly is about relationships, not sex. You can also remain monogamous and accept that he is poly. There are lots of people who succeed in poly/mono arrangements.

Keep talking about it and set boundaries for yourself before proceeding. Figure out what boundaries are important to you. Each of you should do that, and from there you negotiate and see what compromises you are willing to accept. Setting personal boundaries are not about delivering ultimatums or making rules. It's about saying what's comfortable for you and knowing that if your bf doesn't respect those boundaries, you then have a choice to make about whether to stay in the relationship or not. The choice is always there to walk away if he insists on something you can't live with.


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