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-   -   Hoping I find something to hope for again...Super huge vent! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2193)

Ilove2men 02-23-2010 02:55 AM

Hoping I find something to hope for again...Super huge vent!
 
Okay, brace yourselves because I am mainly a lurker and this has building for months so it will be a long one.


It all started probably around the time of my icky can of worms. My fiance (C) and I had that initial one connection and then things took a terrible turn. He started becoming very vulgar with me. Every waking moment talk was of sex in a very demeaning way. It was a sensitive subject at the time and I needed his love and I needed to be treated tenderly. I got neither. I was made to feel guilty for not putting out as a result. When things with my boyfriend (K) became strained and I was scared that he would leave me I sought comfort from C and he proceeded to be uncompassionate and talk about how much he "wanted" me. This is where our breakdown began and it spread though every single aspect of our relationship. My feelings where of little importance and he started "faking" improving our relationship. His words lacked integrity. He made so many promises of the improvements he was making, when all he was doing was closing himself off to me. Keeping things a secret.

I would list all of the problems, but that would take even longer and it's really not about the problems, It's about the fact that I can't trust him. It's about looking back on our almost 8 years together and seeing a huge pattern that I apparently had turned a blind eye to. He breaks my trust and then he says all of these beautiful words and then does the exact same thing again. His apologies... I can recite them word for word. And his lying is making him a very angry person. He has even stooped to mimicking me in the shower when I'm laying in bed on the other side of the wall.

And things with my boyfriend.... are amazing. I have never felt this level of intimacy, and trust. He is my best friend and I can tell him anything and know that it will not be used against me. He will not manipulate the love I have or the trust I have in him and he most definitely won't keep it in his back pocket to throw in my face when he does something sneaky. Its an odd thing to be going through the best of times and the worst of times... at the same time.

The thing is everything came to a head with C a few weeks ago. My boyfriend and I made a united front that there will be no more shady business. No more lying and definitely no more "faking it." We all got on the same page. Everything came out, everything was discussed. It left us all an emotional wreck and completely drained, but it had to be done. Everyone needed a voice in this. Once we got everything out the next step is improvement, right? Everyday I was told, tomorrow will be different. And it took quite some time to get to that different day. Last Tuesday to be exact. It's been a very slow process. I'm so very leery of trusting him. I relate it to the abused dog and the abusive owner with a doggy treat. But I've been working on myself and taking each day as it comes.

I went out of town this weekend to see my boyfriend. We grew even closer than I ever thought is possible. Just a perfect weekend. While I was gone I left my fiance with some emergency money (one of my issues is that I am no longer able to trust him with our funds.) To be used ONLY for an emergency. This was a big leap in trust for me. It was a symbol of my restored faith in him. I get back yesterday from my date and my fiance and i have a very nice day together and it was effortless. It was truly a great day. Tonight I ask for the money back and he apparently dipped into it which made me fly off the handle. There was no emergency, but if he would have just called or sent me a text (we texted quite often the day I was gone) saying what and why it wouldn't have been a big deal. So he proceeds to tell me tonight that h figured I wouldn't care since I got a ticket (first one in my life.) I pointed out the fact that I called him and told him the moment it happened and I didn't have an agreement on no traffic violations so 1) the two have no connection and 2) two wrongs don't make a right. And then I had to point out the fact that it's not about money.

What it is about is I feel I cannot depend on him. I feel I cannot trust him. I was on the verge of leaving from all that he has done and it's fucking hard for me to take a step back and stay. Love is so not enough and I am trying to keep my dignity and self worth and not kick myself in the ass for continuing to hope. So tonight he is saying never again... again. He's a two steps forward one step back kind of guy. Always has been always will be. WHY CAN'T HE JUST BE HONEST ABOUT IT??? I'm tired of empty promises. I have no more blind faith. When the hell is enough going to finally be enough for me? Because here I am again. And I'm about to go and find him and listen to what I've already heard... I need ACTION. I need this dishonesty to stop. (Which I have said and yet it continues) I feel like I'm hanging on by three threads, I love him, my daughter loves him, and I feel like I HAVE to take care of him like he is my second child. I feel our relationship is doomed if he can't figure out how to gain some integrity. I have this other amazing relationship with a man that his doing his damnedest to help in anyway possible to help salvage my other relationship and my fiance is letting us both down. and I'm more heartbroken than ever because it comes so effortlessly with my boyfriend (the trust and openness) and I feel like I'm grasping at air trying to find one single thing to hold hope in achieving such a thing with my fiance once again.

Also, it has nothing to do with poly or his ability to handle it. He is actually very encouraging of my other relationship and knows that he is a very good man for me. This is strictly in his relationship with me. Sigh, I feel so selfish posting all of this.

MonoVCPHG 02-23-2010 03:21 AM

I am just going to throw this possibility out there. Please don't take offense. It is merely an idea based on my own actions in the past. When I had lost my connection with my ex wife I encouraged her to achieve everything she could in her career. It took our time away...I valued the relationship she had with her career more than the one we had. It's not because she was growing distant, it was because I was and I wanted her to have something to replace me, to take care of her needs. I thought her needs were professional more than the one she had for "us". I basically was setting her up for my departure, for me to give myself a way out because I wasn't brave enough to tell her I had lost something for her.

Is it possible that your fiancÚ is encouraging your relationships so that you have something to take his place? Is it possible that he doesn't feel this relationship is for him but wants you looked after in some way because he does care about your well being?

My actions became more and more harmful as I couldn't get the result I wanted in my relationship with my ex-wife. Finally I pushed hard enough which hurt a lot of people. Is his own behavior increasing? Is he telling you something he is not strong enough to admit?

Ilove2men 02-23-2010 03:37 AM

If that's what he wants he can just go. There's no reason for the theatrics or to lie and say that he wants to save our relationship more than anything in the world. I could ask him if that's what it is, but would he tell me the truth? Would i believe it if it was?

MonoVCPHG 02-23-2010 03:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilove2men (Post 22776)
If that's what he wants he can just go. There's no reason for the theatrics or to lie and say that he wants to save our relationship more than anything in the world. I could ask him if that's what it is, but would he tell me the truth? Would i believe it if it was?

This is just a thought, remember. I am not in his head but I am in mine. I brought this up to be explored so please don't stop considering other options. This type of passive termination of relationships is something I am very cautious about because of my history. I still watch out for this in my relationship with Redpepper but it is just a thought.

Will he tell the truth? I probably would not have in my marriage but I may have expressed my concerns and the relationship may have been given another chance before I destroyed my family.

Ilove2men 02-23-2010 03:54 AM

I will share this post with him and see where the convo leads.

MonoVCPHG 02-23-2010 04:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilove2men (Post 22778)
I will share this post with him and see where the convo leads.

I can almost feel the virtual punch in my nose...luckily that's not a completely foreign sensation :o

Ilove2men 02-23-2010 04:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 22779)
I can almost feel the virtual punch in my nose...luckily that's not a completely foreign sensation :o

Lol, not at all mono. The short answer is because that first post took everything out of me for the night. Any and all outside perspectives are welcome. All the idea can lead to is a conversation and in my eyes any conversation is a good conversation even if the answer isn't something you want to hear.

MonoVCPHG 02-23-2010 04:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilove2men (Post 22780)
Lol, not at all mono. Any and all outside perspectives are welcome. All the idea can lead to is a conversation and in my eyes any conversation is a good conversation even if the answer isn't something you want to hear.

Fair enough. Stay healthy and stay true to yourself...all of you :) Hope it goes well my friend.

Ilove2men 02-23-2010 04:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 22781)
Fair enough. Stay healthy and stay true to yourself...all of you :) Hope it goes well my friend.

Bumping to let you know I did a last minute edit. I appreciate having a someone there when I just needed to scream out my frustrations. I feel better now. I'm just going to take tonight to gather my thoughts and speak of it tmrw.

Ilove2men 02-23-2010 06:08 AM

sigh... I realize after some reflecting and discussion that I had what we call "a moment " tonight. What happened tonight is small and my boyfriend pointed out that I should dig deep to find out why I had such a big reaction to it. I've some to realize that I am adding indiscretions to my fiance's pile. I've been harboring a lot of things and tonight was the straw that broke this camel's emotional back.

I think it has to do with ego as well. "Normally" when things get bad and there seems to be no improvement people leave the relationship and I feel like... I don't love myself enough to leave or I'm just a weak person and that's where the whole losing my dignity thing came from.

I also think that I have not given myself a chance to just take a deep breath and have a break from the unveiling of all lies and the emotions that came because of those lies. I've been holding my breath waiting for a reason not to trust him and he handed it to me tonight and ran with it.

I also realize that I put a lot of symbolism on "the little things" and im not communicating this as I should be.

In short, my boyfriend says he understands that what happened today in regards to how it was dealt with was a big deal, but that what actually happened was a slap on the wrist offence in light of how well things have been going. And I agree. The words that were exchanged tonight is what caused damage not what the words were about. I also spoke with my fiance and he had valid not sugar coated points. It was wrong. He should have told me he was going to spend money that was reserved for an emergency beforehand and he shouldn't have tried to make excuses about it tonight.

I also voiced a lot of needs and vunerabilities I feel at the moment with our relationship. I also spoke of where want this relationship to go. And I recognize that I need a break so I can see problems that arise individually. It has taken months for us to become this broken. I cannot expect a sudden perfect relationship. What I can do though is say I need a break. I need a bubble of time to calm down a find some footing so I can actually voice my issues within our relationship without it sending me over the edge like tonight did. So that's where we are after tonight. Everyone sees how drained I am and I need some time to recharge my batteries so I can actually be in this relationship instead of waiting for him to screw up. And once I am more level we will proceed with working on issues. And for the time being (hopefully) my fiance will continue to work on things he already knows need fixing and not add anymore to the list... hopefully.


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