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-   -   Married, confused, and very distraught (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21899)

steamhippie 02-29-2012 02:32 AM

Married, confused, and very distraught
Hello to all,

I'm going to apologize in advance for introducing myself by whining about my problems...:rolleyes:, but I'm desperate for advice and help.

I am a 30 yr old married female. We have a 4 yr old and have been married 5 years. My problem begins with my lack of love/romance/attraction in my marriage, and my attraction to other men. I have had 3 incidents where I met someone else and felt extreme chemistry. I flirted relentlessly, never acted on the urge to take it any further, and ended up on this emotional roller coaster of extreme guilt and extreme highs from the flirting. The closest I can describe this feeling is an addiction to the thrill of someone new. The day or week after my flirting, I always feel lower and more depressed than ever, because that high I got on someone different was gone and I'm left with the same boring monotone to life.

Now my problem is, how do I deal with these fallout emotions? I can't function and I avoid my husband at all costs.

If anyone here can help me figure out how to cope, I need it badly.


dingedheart 02-29-2012 02:41 AM

What's your goal in this.....for the marriage, and any outside relationships?

steamhippie 02-29-2012 02:44 AM

My marriage goals are to stay with my husband, both for my child and because we have a good partnership, and I guess I would like to pursue the objects of my attraction? My husband is not on board with the idea. I've brought it up before but he just shut down on the discussion.

AnotherConfused 02-29-2012 03:08 AM

Sounds to me like you have unmet needs, and either your husband isn't interested in meeting them (maybe because he isn't feeling the love from you either?) or he doesn't know how. I've just gone through a few months of something similar, and what changed everything for us was reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Now we both understand how to make each other happy, and we have the flirtatious kind of love for each other that we did in the beginning, and then some. (And also, he's secure enough in my love now that my other relationships are ok with him.) Try treating him like you did when he was the new man in your life!

dingedheart 02-29-2012 03:23 PM

I'm assuming your husband has noticed your all cost avoidance of him. What's his reaction? Do you know the reasons behind the avoidance? Guilt, punishment, resentment from some specific fight or his role in general for the downward slide as you see it.

How would your husband characterize the relationship or marriage before you started avoiding him? Would he have thought there was a problem....or a difference.

Are you going to be OK sharing your husband? Most in this stage say sure fine because a) there feeling have shifted for spouse b) spouse has declared mono status and is resistant to it so they can't fathom that relly happening ...but it can and does and c) the thrill and chemicals over ride rational thought sometimes. OR d) all of the above. So I'd take some time and really think about how this might work out ....How this would effect you if roles were reversed. Go way back and read all the different stories ...the good and the bad and get an idea of what you and the spouse face . This is one thing that's really hard to stop once started. You wouldn't be the first spouse that pushed for this and then could handle the shoe being on the other foot. So be very careful things can and do spin out of control real quick.

Good luck D

freyamarie 02-29-2012 06:03 PM

I'd venture to add that finding a therapist would be an excellent idea...for yourself first to find out what is going on inside, then for the marriage.
Living side by side with someone you try to avoid is a major red flag that there are some issues to be addressed.
I hope you don't take offense. It is meant in a kind and caring way, not a hostile one.

polypenguin 02-29-2012 07:46 PM

this is one of my biggest reasons for being poly. Before I came to understand/love the idea of polyamory, I accidentally kissed another girl while in a relationship. I felt inredibly guilty, and the gf flipped. It took her like 6 months to get over, even though the woman kissed me, and after realizing what was happening, I stopped it there.

now, after a while I started to wonder WHY I felt guilty about it. After all, it wasn't to hurt anyone, it was merely a mistake. More importantly, as a baisic human need is interaction, why would I want to deny that?

it took me a while, but I came to understand LOVE IS NOT A ZERO SUM GAME. In other words, love is unlimited. Ask a parent of multiple children which child they love, and watch them squirm.

you would be lying to yourself to say you never are/will be attracted to another person. What makes you or your hubby think that a gold ring is an off switch for attraction for other people?

look, i'm not trying to say you or your hubbie's feeling's are not valid, i'm just trying to put across that poly accepts the idea of multiple attractions, not denies them. We in society for the most part DO NOT really love eachother, if we did, we would not get pissed off and call our partners a "goddamned two-timing harlett" when they admit they have feelings for someone else.

tell your hubby WHY you feel this way, not just that you do.

nycindie 03-01-2012 03:37 AM


Originally Posted by polypenguin (Post 127126)
What makes you or your hubby think that a gold ring is an off switch for attraction for other people?

look, i'm not trying to say you or your hubbie's feeling's are not valid, i'm just trying to put across that poly accepts the idea of multiple attractions, not denies them.

Steamhippie, I'd also like to point out that people can still be happily monogamous and not deny their attractions to others. Feeling attracted to someone other than your spouse doesn't mean you have to act on it or embrace polyamory. My hubs and I were monogamous for almost 12 years and never once did we try to stifle each other for having attractions to other people. It's all about allowing space for your feelings, dealing with any possessiveness, and issues of trust.

So, I don't think the problem here is really attractions to other people. I think you are letting these attractions be distractions from what actually needs to be addressed. You say your relationship with your husband lacks love, romance, and attraction. You call it monotonous and you avoid your husband. What is going on? How did you get to such a place? Why aren't you two talking, loving each other, in therapy?

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