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-   -   How to deal with feelings of rejection? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21888)

desire 02-28-2012 08:35 PM

How to deal with feelings of rejection?
 
I am right now going through an introduction to the poly life world, albeit a bit forced. My partner for the past 3 years has fallen in love with another person. He insists he still loves me and cannot live without me. But, he also is very sure that he values his new relationship quite deeply. I have heard about polyamory and am not quite closed to the idea of practicing it in my life. But, surprising myself, I am racked by jealousy and find myself crying uncontrollably for my lost past. I do not experience feelings of hatred either towards my partner or his lover. I just feel sorry for myself, though, I dont quite know why, since he still calls me regularly (we are in a long distance relationship right now). I have great respect towards my partner for telling me and he insists he told me because he trusts me to be open. I want to live upto that ideal but, find myself struggling against my feelings of resistance to change. I see myself talking to him very nicely one moment, the next moment suddenly transforming myself into a weeping drama queen. I am sad...and, I find his happiness irresponsible. yet, i also know that if i dont stand by him, we are lost as a couple now. He is very democratic and is just asking me to open up the relationship, not expecting me to take it lying down like a subservient wife.

KyleKat 02-28-2012 09:34 PM

Instead of defending him so much, tell us more about how you feel. This is new to you but clearly not to him. He should have brought up the desire before he fell in love with someone else. Also, a lot of people here will refer to it as NRE (new relationship energy) over being in love.

Talk to him. Tell him right now you aren't comfortable with this and you need time to talk and understand.

nancyfore 02-29-2012 08:55 AM

I agree with KyleKat. You should talk to him about all aspects of the poly life he wants to lead. You shouldn't be "forced" into anything, and he should be patient with you and your getting used to the idea. If your number one as he says then he should be slowing down until you are comfortable with the situation.

What did you mean by "finding myself crying uncontrolably for my lost past?"

desire 04-25-2012 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KyleKat (Post 126995)
Instead of defending him so much, tell us more about how you feel. This is new to you but clearly not to him. He should have brought up the desire before he fell in love with someone else. Also, a lot of people here will refer to it as NRE (new relationship energy) over being in love.

Talk to him. Tell him right now you aren't comfortable with this and you need time to talk and understand.

Dear Kylie and Katie, Thanks for replying. After I wrote this, I stopped logging into the forum and I must say, I regret it deeply. Things have gone from bad to worse in our case. I cannot anymore say, I do not experience feelings of hatred towards either him or her. I have started feeling so much of hatred that I think, I did "fuck it up." I suddenly noticed that from the day he shared, things progressed in such a pace for both of them that I have been "left out." From feeling I was primary in his life, I suddenly became "you are also important for me" phase almost immediately. I became insecure and started behaving as if my life had shattered around me, screaming wildly and demanding a divorce. He is going through trauma himself and I am sure his girlfriend is, also (i am not in touch with her anymore). I am feeling guilty that the chance that we probably had to actually have an open relationship with communication is wasted now because I could not handle jealousy. He is traumatised that he has promised things which he cannot fulfil either to me or to her. I do not know her narrative and the nature of her trauma. thanks for the support and understanding...I have no idea where to go from here.

desire 04-25-2012 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nancyfore (Post 127087)
I agree with KyleKat. You should talk to him about all aspects of the poly life he wants to lead. You shouldn't be "forced" into anything, and he should be patient with you and your getting used to the idea. If your number one as he says then he should be slowing down until you are comfortable with the situation.

What did you mean by "finding myself crying uncontrolably for my lost past?"

thanks for the response, Nancy. It is not true that he is an old player in the field and he knew about poly more than me. We both dont. He has started this relationship and we have wandered into this. I would like to explore it, since I still love him deeply and do not want to destroy my relationship with him.

nycindie 04-25-2012 06:31 PM

Desire, it sounds like you agreed to something you didn't really want and it was thrust upon you when you weren't ready. It sounds like your husband announced he had fallen in love with someone else, and just proceeded to continue the relationship without negotiating boundaries with you nor going at a pace with which you are comfortable. No wonder you went into it kicking and screaming.

You do have the right to say that poly is not something you want.

You have the right to ask that things slow down.

You have the right to expect that boundaries be respected and to follow through on the consequences if they are not.

What do YOU want?

kdt26417 04-25-2012 06:54 PM

Re:
Quote:

"You do have the right to say that poly is not something you want.
You have the right to ask that things slow down.
You have the right to expect that boundaries be respected and to follow through on the consequences if they are not."
Quoted for truth.

I am sorry you have found yourself in such a difficult situation, desire. It's quite understandable that it would be very upsetting for you. I think your partner (husband?) got caught up in the NRE thing, and just let things spin out of control. Now he has two women in his life, and he is responsible for being fair and honest toward both of them. Maybe that is not easy for him, but he kind of got himself in this mess. He needs to step up and do the right thing, by both of you.

Don't let yourself be spooked or guilt-tripped out of asking for what you need in this relationship. You shouldn't have to feel forced into something you're not ready for.

Regards and sympathies,
Kevin T.

dingedheart 04-25-2012 06:54 PM

Why are you in a LDR ?

How long have you been in the LDR ?

How often to you see your husband?

Where does his other partner live ?

desire 04-25-2012 07:44 PM

Dear Nancy, Thanks again for response. Among both of us, I was the one who was hesitantly considering opening the relationship, actually! I had a feeling that monogamy might lead towards oppressive dishonesties and I was aware that both of us, or one of us can fall out of NRE and then, other people might happen in our lives...and, I wanted it to happen with talk, with negotiation, with sensitivity. The way things have worked out, I am not sure I want this at all because I was happy with exclusivity when love was there. Yet, I am also painfully aware that there is no going back for me, now. the point of exclusivity is gone.

desire 04-25-2012 07:46 PM

What is the right and fair thing by both of us now? Is there something like that? He is clear what he wants, he wants both of us...


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