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-   -   What should I do, I feel stuck. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21887)

insanity 02-28-2012 07:12 PM

What should I do, I feel stuck.
I started a thread in the blog section, although I did get some feedback there I'd like to post it here as well since here all the talking really happen.
This is my post if anyone is interested.. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21637

But if you don't feel like reading I will sum it up in a few words:
I ave a boyfriend of five and a half years and we are going to be married in a few months. A while a go we met a girl who we invited to play with us (she is a lesbian bt, doesn't matter no but might later) but she happened to be way to amazing... i'd like her to be a part of my life, a girlfriend maybe? I cant bring it up to him because of my anxiety, but trying someho to push him into these kind of conversations... hoping to move things from there?

So since I decided (not very willingly because of my anxiety who controls me most of the time) to let things go slowly abnd not push them, it feels like I go in circles. One step forward, two backwards.

Is there anyone who were in this kind of situation?
I can't put my life on hold untill I figure out my anxiety, I don't kno what to do :(

drtalon 02-28-2012 08:41 PM

I second the suggestion made in the other thread: Write a note or keep a journal and ask him to read it.

insanity 02-28-2012 08:47 PM

I kind of have a bad experience with that kind of stuff.. besides there is always a chance that he might understand things wrong.

I know that most of the people probably have hard time staring this kind of conversation with their partner, but I feel that anxiety is adding to it :(

KyleKat 02-28-2012 09:13 PM

You are worrying way too much. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and making the situation unbearable. You need to just talk to him. Make sure he knows that his opinion is respected and if he can't deal with it, he has a right to feel that way.

Your anxiety will only continue to build until you do something. Out with it!

km34 02-28-2012 09:14 PM

I'm not trying to be mean or rude, but you seem to have an excuse for every idea that people give you.

If you're too anxious to bring it up, then right now is NOT the time to try a polyamorous relationship. Once you get into a more open situation, you're going to have to keep talking and discussing so just getting over the hump of getting your feelings out there isn't going to make everything all better.

Keep up with therapy, keep working on your anxiety, and just try to build a closer and more trusting relationship with your boyfriend/fiance. If you're too afraid to talk to him because he often gets mad/upset/misunderstands, then you're not the only one that needs to work on stuff. Does he realize that you're afraid to talk to him about things because of the way he may react?

Also, if you are pursuing a closer relationship with this woman and NOT being open with your boyfriend, then you are flirting with the boundary of cheating. Even if you aren't being openly romantic, the two of you discussing the idea of a relationship other than friendship without including your SO could easily become an issue if/when he finds out.

insanity 02-28-2012 09:33 PM

that was like a slap into reality..but I know you are right, but I can't put my life on hold really, so I was just looking for some support..

we are not having a secret relationship behind his back, not until I can do it openly anyway

drtalon 02-28-2012 09:47 PM


I can't put my life on hold
I don't understand what you mean by this. Aren't you putting your life on hold by not talking about what you want your life to be like?

km34 02-28-2012 09:53 PM


Originally Posted by insanity (Post 126994)
that was like a slap into reality..but I know you are right, but I can't put my life on hold really, so I was just looking for some support..

I totally agree you can't put your life on hold, and like I said, I really don't mean to be rude. At some point, you just have to go for it. Like kylekat said, the anxiety will just build and build the more you dwell on it.


we are not having a secret relationship behind his back, not until I can do it openly anyway
I didn't mean the relationship itself was secret, but are the feelings that are building? People sometimes don't seem to realize that an emotional attachment is often more potent than a physical one.

MorningTwilight 02-29-2012 09:51 AM

Insanity, you sound a lot like me. I'm in a similar situation--stuck and letting my anxiety paralyze me.

I was going to talk to my wife tonight, but she fell asleep before I had put the boy to bed, dammit.

insanity 02-29-2012 08:01 PM

We just had a conversation! I finally had the guts to tell him what I want.. not all of it but just generally... you know just to start the conversation.
And I didn't die (of anxiety of course) as I thought I would.

And I probably should thank you all for that..

I don't want to elaborate no since e haven't finished talking and all because he had to go to work..

MorningTilight: good luck to you, if I did it, anyone can really.. :)

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