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confusedbigirl 02-28-2012 06:58 PM

am i poly?
 
This is something I've been thinking about and struggling with for awhile. I'm a 23 year old bi female. I've often felt like in a relationship, I'm not 100% happy, and if in a relationship with a guy, I fantasize about being with a female and vise versa. I feel like the only solution is to have both but the thought completely overwhelms me. I struggled with coming to terms with bisexuality, now this?? I can't imagine meeting two people of the opposite sex to be with who are open to this, PLUS the thought of being open about polyamory to my family/friends.
So I guess I'm just very new and confused about who I am.

Moonglow 02-29-2012 03:36 AM

Well, mainly you have to really envision relationships and not just sexual aspects of that? You have to take babysteps, and not get overwhelmed. There are a lot of great resources for you. The best thing I can say is once you come to terms with who you are, things will become more clear. If you read around the forums you will see lots of success stories. Just one step at a time. Welcome to the forum!

KyleKat 02-29-2012 04:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by confusedbigirl (Post 126978)
This is something I've been thinking about and struggling with for awhile. I'm a 23 year old bi female. I've often felt like in a relationship, I'm not 100% happy, and if in a relationship with a guy, I fantasize about being with a female and vise versa. I feel like the only solution is to have both but the thought completely overwhelms me. I struggled with coming to terms with bisexuality, now this?? I can't imagine meeting two people of the opposite sex to be with who are open to this, PLUS the thought of being open about polyamory to my family/friends.
So I guess I'm just very new and confused about who I am.

I may be more unique than I think but I have never considered same sex relationships as the same as opposite sex relationships. They each have their own pros and cons. My rule has always been, even before I considered myself poly, "one of each". That means if my wife came to me during our monogamous time and said "I want to go out with this girl tonight and have a relationship with her" I would have said "bring me back leftovers from the restaraunt" and then probably had an ear to ear grin when she came home. I just don't feel competition from the opposite sex.

You will find a way to make it work.

Polywaw 03-05-2012 06:30 PM

Hi Confused,

My wife went through this, as did several friends of ours. One has embraced the poly, another has determined due to her religious feelings she must be straight regardless of her feelings, and another decided she couldn't "handle" the stress of a multi-person relationship.

And my wife is eager for an open marriage.

4 people there, half went for poly, half didn't. Coming to grips with it can be frightening and relieving. Finding someone can be frustrating and exhilarating. When you break it down to the simple form, I'm not sure it's that different than a "straight" and "mono" relationship.

You find someone you're attracted to, are you compatible? Do you hold similar views, goals, beliefs? If any of those are different, are they compatible?

The idea of being open about polyamory to family and friends can be tricky. I've come out to my family, my dad has been entirely accepting, my mom ignores the idea. My wife feels that her family couldn't handle the idea and would be entirely upset. (However, if she came how and was lesbian with a female partner, they'd be more accepting). For many Americans (if that is indeed where you're from), have a hard time separating sluts and poly people in their mind. (Probably because there isn't a common and positive media portrayal, but that's another story).

Why does the thought overwhelm you?

polypenguin 03-05-2012 10:07 PM

hey there Ms. Confusedbigirl,

first off, let me say welcome. secondly, your story is about the same more or less to about half of the people here. So you're not alone. Lastly, there are many people who are open/becoming open to that kind of relationship, after all, that is the reason these forums exist. Even the word polyamory is what you described on one form or another.

confusedbigirl 06-25-2014 01:46 PM

Hope it's ok to resurrect this. It's wierd reading a post I made 2
1/2 years ago, I still feel the same a little bit but more comfortable with the idea of a poly relationship. I still feel like a newbie though and have a lot to learn about it I think.
I don't thin of a poly relationship as having lots of sex, I actually have a bit of a low sex drive so I guess the idea of a poly relationship appeals to me even more because I don't have to feel guilty about not wanting to have sex, that person can fulfill their needs from someone else. I also M not confused about being bi, I know I am even though I've had only a few experiences with women. I know that when I do want sex, I guess in a long term relationship with a man, I'd feel like something is missing.

kdt26417 06-25-2014 11:23 PM

Hi confusedbigirl,
Welcome back. :)

You'd be surprised how many (e.g. married) couples there are who arrive on Polyamory.com seeking a bisexual woman. You should have no shortage of takers, just make sure they treat you right!

I noticed you have a couple of other new posts; I'm curious and will check those out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

confusedbigirl 06-25-2014 11:27 PM

Thanks :) I think it's just gonna be difficult dealing with expectations. A lot of couples I know will want someone who is in love with both of them and ideally I would love that kind of relationship too, but I just feel like its not realistic. I might feel pressure to have feelings for both when I may only like one. I guess we will see what happens!

kdt26417 06-26-2014 12:03 AM

No you're right, one of the biggest downfalls of the "couple plus one" ideal is that you can't guarantee all three people will be in love with each other. Sure it happens sometimes, but it's best not to plan on these things.

Your best bet is probably searching for a man you like, then for a woman you like (but not necessarily in that order). And if you do happen to bump into a couple and wow the sparks are flying everywhere, why, that's nice too. :)

GalaGirl 06-26-2014 12:03 AM

If you are with both a man and a woman AND fantasize again about another person... then what? ;)

Early 20's has a lot of brain development going on and wapping up the body development. Not as much as teens, but the wrapping it up bits that can go out to 25 years old. Also has a lot of spiritual health stuff going on. Not always about religious beliefs -- but all your beliefs about you and the world. It's ok to question, wonder, explore.. move away from beliefs you were taught to be your child beliefs or those that used to fit but no longer do because you have grown. You start to "own" them more for yourself and edit, discard, adopt beliefs that serve the adult you. It's part of the 20's thing start doing now that you are young adult and continues the rest of your life as you continue to unfold.

Just remember that it isn't always a 2 toggle choice -- "either this or that" -- sometimes it is "both/and" or "something I never thought of before."

Learning about yourself and your own preferences is part how you become more sure of self and less confused.
Quote:

A lot of couples I know will want someone who is in love with both of them and ideally I would love that kind of relationship too, but I just feel like its not realistic.
Correct. It is not realistic. If this is what they offer you, you are free to decline and counter offer or decline entirely and walk away. There's many open models.

Quote:

I might feel pressure to have feelings for both when I may only like one.
You can be honest about who you like.

Anyone pressuring you? You can decline to participate. Not everyone you date or polydate will be a runner. That's why people date -- to find the compatible ones.

Hang in there!

Galagirl


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