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-   -   It's not the destination, but the journey that is important (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2187)

katharinerose 02-22-2010 07:22 AM

It's not the destination, but the journey that is important
I'd like to have somewhere to chronicle/process this new and rather scary journey, and this seems a good place. Insight from those who've been there are welcome.

One of the things I've loved about my and C's relationship from the beginning is that we have been comfortable and open discussing crushes There was never any of that, seemingly common, sense that we weren't allowed to look at other people. And we've been involved in a mostly platonic, unintentionally poly relationship in the past. I'd been thinking about asking C if we could intentionally explore polyamory (for a variety of reason which will be their own post) for, oh, a long time, and had finally reached the point where I felt comfortable in my reasoning to have the conversation a little over a week ago. (I do nothing less than fully prepared.)

It was, like so many things, frightening and emotional but ultimately very worth it. She said that intellectually, she had no problems with it, but was worried about some of the logistics. And in truth, I thought she would be good about it, but I'm never sure, since she can be somewhat mercurial.

So I left that conversation very happy, but I still had some lingering questions. I wasn't sure what exactly she was comfortable with, or that she knew what I wanted and why. Because I'm really bad at getting all my points across in conversation, I wrote her a letter and just kind of laid my heart bare. OK. It was an e-mail. Which probably makes me a horrible person, but it felt the safest way at the time.

She came down to find me, and basically said "I told you to go for it, I thought we were on the same page..." We talked some more, until I was sure she was really OK with things, that we had some "ground guidelines" (the biggest of which is that my parents not find out while we're living with them, because my mom is meddlesome). I just don't want to hurt her by doing something I didn't know she wasn't OK with.

I've set up a profile on OKCupid, and have started chatting with a couple people, which has been fun. I'm not sure how quickly I should jump into actually meeting/dating/whatever. On one hand, I'm still wrapping my head around just the possibility. On the other, why wait? I'm not making any life-long commitments at this point, just meeting interesting people and seeing where things go.

There is more on my mind, but it's late and I must sleep.

GroundedSpirit 02-22-2010 03:59 PM

Hey Katherine,

Sounds like a reasonable start to me. Just don't rush it. Encourage both to study & keep talking openly.
"C" has good instincts on giving 'logistics' some weight. That is often something that can cause problems. Just call them for what they are - not something else (personal). Put your heads (and various other body parts) together and figure out what can work best.

Good luck.


katharinerose 03-03-2010 08:17 AM

So I've gone for just jumping in. I have a coffee/possibly dinner date on Thursday. C has been good-naturedly teasing me about this, and even chatting with him online. :D The guy seems really nice and is in a poly relationship which feels a little more comfortable for me at the moment. We'll see how it goes, but I am excited.

katharinerose 03-08-2010 03:56 AM

I keep thinking of poly as being new for me, and new for C & my relationship, but in some ways it isn't.

Back before we were married and for the year or so after, we had a good friend, T. We first met him when he was a overly-smart 16 y.o. kid attending college with another of our friends. Eventually he and C became good friends and were in several classes together, and even lived with us for a while (and was the best housemate we've had).

Well, C & T became somewhat more than friends. Their relationship wasn't sexual, exactly, or romantic in the sense of wooing or dating, but it was very erotically charged and very emotionally intense. I remember feeling neglected as C shared more emotional and sexual energy with him than with me (all while I was trying to plan our wedding and find a job), but never really jealous. I didn't want to take away what they had, because it made the girl I loved happy. I just wanted them to admit what was going on go I would have some framework to make my needs known! I also wanted to be a part of it, as I was becoming more and more attracted and attached to T myself. C finally talked to me about her feelings/desires for T because she felt guilty about it, and as much as I told her that a) I already knew and b) it was really OK, I think she still felt guilty.

We wound up spending quite a bit of time together as a group, with lots of late nights talking about nothing and cuddling under blankets, and it was really lovely, and something I still really miss. We did finally all have sex one night (something C & I had fantasied about, and she'd mentioned to him), which was fun if a bit awkward, as neither C nor I really knew what to do with "boy bits" and T wasn't all that much better with "girl bits" and it was all rather spur of the moment. But shortly after that, they both graduated and we all moved to different parts of the country.

He's still family to us, and we both still have a lot of love for him. It's pretty much impossible, but if he were ever to ask, he'd be warmly welcomed into our life and bed. And I wish there was a way to tell him that without seeming creepy. :D

It's nice, after doing some reading, to be able to look back at that relationship and have some words for what I felt, and to know that I'm not the only person who has had those feelings or those desires. It's also nice to have realize I have "proof of concept", so to speak, in poly love, even if it was very confused at the time.

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