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-   -   Poly D/s Lifestyle Etiquette (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21835)

MimiPhryxus 02-27-2012 02:18 AM

Poly D/s Lifestyle Etiquette

Those of you who are into BDSM and have a poly D/s relationship how do you work out the etiquette if there are 2 Dom/mes involved?

I have a husband who is a Dom and a girlfriend who is a Domme. I am a Switch.
We haven't yet had issues on the whole "Who is giving orders" but we also won't be living together until late-summer early-fall. We're trying to work things out now before that happens and none of us want an Alpha Male fighting with an Alpha female at all when they're in Dom-space.

Any advice? Any issues in your D/s lifestyle in relations to poly-living? I'm sort of new to all of this and am intrigued by it all.

KyleKat 02-27-2012 03:10 AM

Admittedly I'm not much into this style but I have watched videos involving it. It seems to me that most doms take turns or there is a "leader" for the night. In all of the videos I saw they would both issue commands but were careful not to have conflicting orders and then the "backup" dom would make sure that the original rules that the "leader" had set weren't broken so that the "leader" could focus on the situation at hand.

Again, most of my experience comes from videos, so I'm probably not the best one to give advice but I would say they should rotate or trade off who is the alpha for the day/night/however you think would work best for you.

AnnabelMore 02-27-2012 03:10 AM

I haven't been in that situation, but my gf and I are beginning to explore D/s and it's something I've wondered.

I would encourage you to wait until you all have had a chance to explore these dynamics and find your places of comfort before considering moving in together, if at all possible. Sharing the same living space seems to really amplify any tensions, so if you don't even know yet what those tensions might be... could really be trouble.

Beyond that, it seems like it's something for the two doms to work out. Just like two parents have to decide how they're going to raise their kid, y'know? I would assume that they should try not to end up in a situation where they're contradicting each other, since that could put you in an emotionally difficult position, and that the only way to avoid that is for them to talk and collaborate.

Good luck!!

Anneintherain 02-27-2012 06:07 AM

I'd suggest posting this quetion in the "poly and kinky" group on fetlife.com if you haven't, I've seen similar posts there a few times and you'll probably get a lot of good advice there too, as there are a lot more people there who do have a similar set up.

MimiPhryxus 02-27-2012 06:23 AM

@Anneintherain I would but our ex is in that group and I don't want to post something blatantly about our current relationship and stir that crazy kettle...

@AnnabelMore ironically thats sort of goes with the fact that we age play a lot...they're pretty much doing just that, working it out between them

I guess I'm just asking about this situation in general and if there are other multi-dom households that have issues because of that.

Anneintherain 02-27-2012 06:43 AM

I always figured that's why people make sockpuppet accounts there.
I can say that a lot of people suggest you let your two partners work that out between themselves (with your input of course if that is how you roll and all). That is if you don't want your husband to be #1 in decision making, or your other partner for that matter.

Might want to sit down with "Opening up" with both of them at some point and go through the stuff about how you want to practice other relationships including the bit about BDSM. (or do some group emails if that's more comfortable). I am sure it will bring up some interesting conversation, and you can really find where there might be problems, or that they both are on the same page with things and there won't be any overlap that is an issue.

nycindie 02-27-2012 06:56 AM


Originally Posted by Anneintherain (Post 126732)
I'd suggest posting this quetion in the "poly and kinky" group on fetlife.com if you haven't...

There is also a kink forum over at Polyamorous Percolations.

redpepper 02-27-2012 06:58 AM

There's a really long thread here on D/s... you might find something there if you have a look. I found it by doing a tag search on "BDsm" Here it is. :) There was a thread on this somewhere... maybe a further search will bring it up.

Tonberry 02-29-2012 08:19 AM

I would think it would be "easier" with one dom and two subs than the other way around (although the dom might have trouble taking proper care of both subs at once) but I've heard of it before so some people seem to make it work. I wish I could give you advice on that note but I don't have any. Keep us informed, though, I find it a very interesting topic.

Magdlyn 02-29-2012 11:03 AM

So your partners are Doms and you're a switch? There isn't an actual Master/Mistress--slave power exchange 24/7 thing going on?

This is just for kink/sex play time and not a full on lifestyle commitment with your daily chores,expectations and routines set for you?

If so, I don't see a problem. You could have kinky sex with him, or with her, separately, and there'd be no need for them to cooperate. If they do want to Top you together, it would be up to them to plan ahead, or coordinate on the fly. They'd need to have very good communication skills as metamours to do that.

Since you're a switch, do you also have lovers who allow you to be on Top? I'm a switch too... I'd get frustrated living with 2 Doms 24/7.

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