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-   -   Head over Heels and a lil scared (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21832)

MimiPhryxus 02-26-2012 11:28 PM

Head over Heels and a lil scared
hello everyone,

I'm a lil new here but wanted to ask a question that involves a new relationship my hubs and I are in.

We have started courting (for lack of a better term) a friend of ours that both of us recently confessed to each other that we've had crushes on her for 4-5 years now.
This girl, I'll just call her Miss F, has had a rollercoaster of difficulties with past relationships including divorce, breaking it off with her fiance, and her last boyfriend pretty much was a jerk and she had to break it off after what I would consider emotional abuse got to be too much.
She understandably has some commitment issues now and isn't a huge fan of things like saying 'I love you' or being pinned down to say she will be with us and no one else.

We've respected her boundries and tried to be understanding since she was still seeing her last boyfriend when the three of us started sleeping together. When she would talk to us about him, we would try and be there and give a little advice but always were careful to say that we don't want to come across as jealous lovers demonizing her partner.

Now its just the three of us and we're discussing moving across the country and living together and what not. BUT...I'm still afraid at time to tell her I'm in love with her or even broaching subjects about commitment because I don't want to make her uncomfortable or scare her off...

Any advice on this? Should I continue like I'm doing now and just showing my love for her with affection and little messages that I'm thinking of her here and there? Should We all three sit down and ask her when would be a good time to start saying things like i love you? Am I over thinking this?

redpepper 02-27-2012 04:42 AM

If you are at the stage where you are discussing moving across country to be with each other, wouldn't it be the time to say "I love you?" I think so. I know I would be expressing something as important as love by that point.

I think if I were in your situation I would be really casual about it and just say, "hey, I know we haven't said this before but I just wanted you to know that I really love you and here is why... thanks for being there and being your awesome self. What every happens I just wanted you to know what you mean to me." That's it.

I don't know, I think people get too hung up on the "I love you" thing. I love tons of people and tell them that when I feel it. I think that really we say "I love you" in many ways that are just as valid anyway, so occasionally popping that in there is no biggy to me.

Ya, over thinking as far as I am concerned ;)

nycindie 02-27-2012 08:24 AM

I kind of see the flip side: if you don't feel comfortable expressing your love to her, what makes you think you can all live together, be involved emotionally and sexually, and have it all work out? Since the sexual and romantic aspect of your relationship is a recent development, as you say, why are you thinking of moving in together so soon? Especially since you're having problems saying what you feel? How long has it been?

MimiPhryxus 02-27-2012 02:44 PM

Since you both asked i supposed I should clarify a little

We've three been very close friends for years and would probably move in together even if we weren't having sex or involved romantically because we all want to make this move from TN to Alaska.
We've been friends with benefits for about 4 years now and romantically involved about 4 months now.

I'm not what I would say uncomfortable telling her I love you I'm more worried about her reaction after a conversation we've had about how she gets nervous about it and it makes her uncomfortable. We have no problems being affectionate outside of sex and will tell each other we miss each other when we're apart, and she's sent some notes to me that describe how she feels about me emotionally but never i love you.

Perhaps Redpepper is right and I'm just over thinking it. It wouldn't be the first time >.<

Cloud 02-28-2012 04:46 PM


Originally Posted by MimiPhryxus (Post 126777)
I'm not what I would say uncomfortable telling her I love you I'm more worried about her reaction after a conversation we've had about how she gets nervous about it and it makes her uncomfortable.

Take your time and do it later when she is comfortable.

Vios 02-29-2012 08:02 PM

At a friend's funeral I understood this for myself: The only "right" time to do something is now. If you wait until the moment is "right" it'll never happen, because you'll spend forever waiting for that time to come. The only right time to say "I love you" is now. If you wait until tomorrow your friend might not be here anymore, or things may have already completely changed.

My friend died out of the blue this New Years. No chance for goodbyes, no chance to say I cared.

It's not easy because saying "I love you" is about vulnerability. I think Brene Brown explains it best.

redpepper 03-01-2012 07:06 AM

LOVE Brene Brown. :)

redpepper 03-01-2012 07:09 AM

Have you looked at "the Five Love Languages?" Maybe you could open up a discussion on the book sometime and see how to non-verbally say I love you. I am a "words of affirmation" type and tend to need to say it and hear it to feel it. Others are different and it really helps to know what partners are... have a look at a search on line on the book. Sorry. I can't remember the author off the top of my head. Could help though.

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